How to stop the negative self talk?

[Newlife83]

So I’ve been separated for a few years and recently divorced.

I’ve met a new man who I’ve been with for half a year. He is lovely and kind and nothing I say has made him run away.

My only problem is I keep thinking if only he met the old me. Before the divorce and the stress and the grey hairs and wrinkles and before all the years of abuse I have to carry in myself. I feel old and a bit urgh really.

But then I think he met me now with how I look now and the person I am which is stronger then the old me even if I look older and more tired. He doesn’t know the old me and perhaps wouldn’t have liked her.

I don’t really no why I’m wasting my energy on this.

In what way are you stronger? Why do you think he might prefer the new you?

Every time you have negative thought, stop and challenge it (ask "is this this true?" "Does this matter?" Etc) and then replace it with 3 positive ones. Ideally you should write them down or say them aloud.

Everyone changes. No one stays the same.

Think of it as "the present" you. Not old or future.

He's lucky to meet someone whose previous relationship hasn't completely broken her spirit.

Enjoy as much as you can. If it doesn't work out, well you know you can survive that should already give you more strength than you had.

Have a nice weekend, cook up a storm, watch uplifting TV. And forget about old you, she doesn't exist anymore.

You are you. You’re not the colour of your hair or the condition of your skin. You are made up of the actions and the choices and the words and the soul... your laughter, your views and your values and these have attracted this nice man to YOU. That’s who he loves. You need to love you too- by letting go of the belief that looks are anything by but a shell that can be made to appear different depending on many things. But you are you.

If he's a similar age to you, then he may well have a few grey hairs and wrinkles - or maybe even no hair. So, same applies to him, we all age and change by experience, it's not worth thinking about, so put it to bed and get on with other important stuff in life.

I'm in a similar position and my new years resolution was to stop negative self talk and so far it's a daily battle but it is getting easier. You have to flip as many negative thoughts as you can and then they do start coming less to you as you are sort of reprogramming yourself to stop putting yourself down which for me was a life time habit!!
At first it feels like you are lying to yourself but keep at it and keep complimenting yourself in your head and after a few weeks you will feel so much better about yourself because the only real person that can validate you is you and I've only just learned that after years of trying to get low life men to validate me!!

Mindful self compassion has helped me, as has (it sounds corny but)... just repeating to myself every so often, “I am kind to myself” and making that my biggest intention in life.

If you google mindful self compassion there are lots of resources. Kristin Neff is one. Tara Brach’s work, especially her free podcasts, are also good (RAIN and bringing compassion to difficulty).

www.tarabrach.com/talks-audio-video/

You can literally stop yourself in the middle of having a thought. You can't stop the thought coming, but if you start shoving your mind elsewhere every time the thought comes up, you'll start to retrain your brain, and the way you view yourself. Every time you catch yourself in that train of thought, get stern. Replace it with something positive. You know how, when you don't want to hear what someone has to say (in a lighthearted situation), you stick your fingers in your ears and go 'LALALALALA!!!!'? You have to do that to the thoughts.

We never know why someone finds us attractive. Personally I find older people more attractive. Do you honestly think you'd be happy if, at his age, he preferred 18 year olds? Youth is attractive, and so is maturity. Don't you want to be with a man who finds maturity and experience attractive, rather than wanting to be with a young, inexperienced partner?

Is he 20? And if not, what do you think about his maturity? Do you ever catch yourself thinking his crows feet are cute when he laughs, or find him attractive for choosing the wise option in a tricky situation?