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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating partner

18 replies

Mumtoajw · 06/02/2021 10:46

Long story short. A good friend told me that my partner is cheating on me. She found out through a family member of hers. We have been together for 10 years and have a child together. I confronted him but had no evidence so obviously he denies it. He said that he was leaving and I begged him to stay. We are living with my parents at the moment while we self build. I’m thinking of pretending everything is ok until the house is done should be may time and then end it. Or should I just pack his things and forget about the house and start a fresh on my own. I really love him. Don’t know what’s worse the cheating or the lying. Does anyone have any advice. I’m
Really struggling to deal with how to go about it the right way

OP posts:

CaramelPops · 06/02/2021 10:48

How reliable is the source who told your family member?

CaramelPops · 06/02/2021 10:49

Also wanted to say: so sorry what is happening to you

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 06/02/2021 10:51

You have no proof apart from the fact your friend told you?

OP that's madness!

Mumtoaboy123 · 06/02/2021 12:58

She is very reliable. And I seen a text on his phone saying ring me back a few weeks before I found out. I have a strong gut feeling this is going on. I’m thinking of just giving him an ultimatum of admit he’s cheating and end it and We can get on with it. Or if he’s going to lie just leave

Mumtoaboy123 · 06/02/2021 12:59

He also got pulled for no insurance in my car and when I spoke to the officer as they had impounded the vehicle they said the passenger was a girl

PheasantPlucker1 · 06/02/2021 13:08

You have to leave him, OP, unless you want to accept this long term?

How are financially, who is paying for and owns the house build?

DerbyshireMama · 06/02/2021 13:14

Cheaters often leave when confronted. It's easier for them to shut you down and turn it round on you than it is for them to admit it or go through the effort of lying.

I recently left my partner of many, many years after finding out he'd cheated again - already done it many times - months after our baby was born. I thought it would kill me but I feel better so quickly because I dont have that constant worry over what he's upto and then being told I'm crazy. You can do it. There's a life out there after these pricks.

Mumtoaboy123 · 06/02/2021 13:14

Him. We have a few properties rented so I can make sure I’m ok with at least one of them. I’m just so gutted because I still love him

category12 · 06/02/2021 13:25

He doesn't sound a particularly good prospect for a life partner tho.

He's driving around without insurance, getting caught by the cops and getting into trouble.
He's cheating on you.

So you have here a man who does whatever he wants without a care for the consequences. That's not someone to share a life with or who will provide a secure future for your child.

Love is irrelevant really - it's just an emotion you get over - it isn't a good enough reason to overlook being treated badly and looking at future of reckless behaviour from him.

CaramelPops · 06/02/2021 13:31

Wow - just no.

You may love him but he is certainly not reciprocating it.

He sounds feckless - driving without insurance!
And on top of that is a cheater.

Entangle yourself - you can do so much better.
Stabilise yourself and your little one and you’ll have an amazing life without him treating you badly.

moanieleminx · 06/02/2021 13:31

How does your friend know? Did you ask him who was in the car?

Mumtoaboy123 · 06/02/2021 13:40

My friend knows because it’s one of her friends sisters. Yes I asked him and he said it wasn’t a girl. It was his friend who is a boy. I’ve seen him in passing and had a subtle convo regarding it and he said he was there. So basically he’s covering for him

Maze76 · 06/02/2021 14:12

Ask the girl or her sister what’s going on.

Mumtoaboy123 · 06/02/2021 14:20

I have asked the girl who it’s meant to be and she has denied it

Lottieeshborn · 06/02/2021 14:55

I would definitely advise having proof before confronting him because as you've seen, they can just deny.
Problem is, is he telling the truth and your friend is mistaken, or is he lying to your face.......
Obviously its too late now as you've already confronted him.
His reaction seems a little extreme though and I would feel that his behaviour would be the proof I needed.
If he wasn't at all, he would either laugh about it with you and reassure you etc, not fly off the handles and leave!! Thats not that actions of an innocent person!

You could either wait, buy your time, gather proof, get yourself sorted financially for you and your child/children and then leave. Or, you could cut your losses now and start over. The choice on that one is yours. Its whether you could keep quiet and keep being all coupley (kissing cuddling, etc) with him until the time you choose.
Can you get more info off your friend? Do some digging yourself?
I'm sorry this is happening to you Op, trust me when I say I completely understand and know how it feels!
Also, is it the qst time anything like this has happened in the whole 10 years? If so, why now, whats changed. And if it was the only time, would you want to forgive him and try and move forward?
You don't say in your post too, are you married? Because that may change how you want to handle the situation.

Sending love, hugs and support. Xx

Mumtoaboy123 · 06/02/2021 15:01

He is a very fly of the handle type. Doesn’t deal well with emotions at all. Any kind.
It is the first time and I don’t know why. Nothing I can think of has changed.
He is at work now. I’m thinking of saying to him that he either tells me that he has been cheating and admit to it so we can deal with it or leave because I can’t be with a lier. No we are not married.

category12 · 06/02/2021 15:12

I don't really understand why you seem unbothered by the fact he was caught driving with no insurance.

Plus, you believe he's unfaithful.
And he characteristically responds to conflict by "flying off the handle".
He doesn't deal with emotions well, whatever that means.

He sounds like a complete loser.

What are you doing with him?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/02/2021 15:14

@category12

I don't really understand why you seem unbothered by the fact he was caught driving with no insurance.

Plus, you believe he's unfaithful.
And he characteristically responds to conflict by "flying off the handle".
He doesn't deal with emotions well, whatever that means.

He sounds like a complete loser.

What are you doing with him?

All of this OP!

He's rubbish, basically. Regardless of this latest thing.

Driving uninsured, flies of the handle, can't talk about emotions or empathise...

He's a rubbish partner and a rubbish role model.

This isn't what a remotely happy healthy relationship looks like.

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