Am I just sensitive

[Whattodo21]

Hi all,
I'm just wanting an outside perspective on this incident with my dh.
So I have a best friend from school. We were around the same weight for a long time post children. She then went on to lose a significant amount of weight and looks fab. I'm not jealous, we're still really close, I don't think about her weight, just that she is my friend.
Anyway, do has made a few comments in the past re her weight loss, fitness levels and generally comparing me to her. He has only met her on a handful of occasions, they do not have any friendship.
I have raised this with him before. I am unhappy with my weight and have struggled for a long time to try and lose any. I also told him it wasn't nice to compare me to MY friend. This isn't something I would ever do to him.
This morning we were having a conversation about something and I brought up my friend by name. He then went on to query me on which 'name' I was talking about. She is the only friend I have by that name so he knew exactly who I was talking about. I replied, 'my name, from school' to which he replied 'oh, skinny name.
Am I ridiculous to be upset about this?
I feel like alot of what he says/does are to get a reaction from me. It leaves me abiy on edge as I know if I now riase it with him, he will tell me I'm making an issue out of nothing, or that I'm crazy.
I don't know, maybe I am. What do you think?
Bravo if you made it this far. I'm aware I'm rambling 😂

No you’re not being overly sensitive by the sounds of it. If he’d briefly mentioned her once and you’d gone off it - that’d be sensitive. But it sounds like he’s repeatedly bringing her into conversation and making comparisons and generally digging you out about your weight and appearance.

What sounds worrying is when you’ve talked to him about this he is gaslighting you to make you feel crazy and tell you it’s all in your head, that is abusive and unacceptable.

It depends what you want to do but I would make it clear in no uncertain terms that my appearance and weight is not to be talked about, no little digs, no passive aggressive comments, no snarky comparisons - that it is off the table as a conversation.
I would then think long and hard about what this man is really giving me in my life.
He is the one person who should hype you up, encourage you to love yourself, be your best friend etc - is this who he is? It doesn’t sound like it.

Sounds like he is actively trying to make you feel shit and insecure.

Thanks for your response.
I think you're right.
I thought I'd be brace so just politely said, in future, if we are talking about name, and you're unsure which one, please say name from school.
He then paced around for abit and asked why I have such a problem with it, told me that it's my issue and I should seek help.
I asked why, if he barely mentions her as he claims, would it be such an issue to simply carry out my request, if it is something that bothers me. This was met with more huffing and justifications and now he has stomped off.
I know it's wrong, I just seem to spend alot of time convincing myself that it's not wrong enough to end a long marriage.

I would go as far as to say he doesn't make me feel good about myself very much though.
Again, thanks for your comments.

It’s one thing making indirect comments about your body, which is unacceptable, but a whole other thing to suggest you’re somehow mentally unwell and need therapy. What a total dick.

There is no objective bar of unhappiness you need to reach to decide to leave him. You can end your relationship for any reason you like. And realising your partner is a nasty gaslighting critical arsehole is plenty in my book.

So familiar with this situation.

He pretends he doesn't know who you're on about. He knows exactly who you're on about.

I see it from a different angle though. No woman seriously wants to be called 'skinny' right? He pretending he doesn't remember her and he's calling her skinny because he wants to convey to you that he doesn't find her attractive, when he does find her attractive.

The issue of him not supporting you regarding your body image is an entirely separate issue and I agree with the posters above.

He would argue that his comments aren't about me, and that I am wrong for making them about me.
As you have probably already guessed, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

It's just frustrating as I have been trying so hard to make things better and a little comment like this just sets me back.

Honestly? It IS your issue though confront that and ask for his help or understanding? It seems you told him not to compare you, making him maybe feel any discussion surrounding her was off limits - but then you were taking about her which is why he did the “who?” Nonsense. But it does sound like you’re making him jump through hoops to avoid the issue that you’re unhappy with your weight and appearance. And that’s not really fair to him.
It’s a difficult issue- and I really do sympathise as I’m overweight and it’s a real issue for me even when I try for it not to be. But I don’t think it’s your husbands fault.

I haven't asked him not to talk about her. She often comes up in conversation as she is a good friend. I have asked him to call her by her name, not weight and not to generally use her, to put me down.

He has friends who are slimmer, fitter and more attractive than he. I would never reference that to him, or suggest he try and emulate them.
It just seems unkind, but you're right. It probably is my issue.

You sound very sensitive about this OP. IMHO it's a pretty shallow way to relate to each other in a marriage.

If he's using her weight loss to make you feel crap then pretend it doesn't bother you....

while you plan your exit strategy to leave this relationship. I wouldn't stay with someone who I thought was deliberately trying to belittle me.

No you are not. He's being a pig. We've all been there. One of my ex's would basically drop his jaw to the floor over blondes. I was a brunette and boy did he let me know if he thought someone was attractive.

It just made him more and more unattractive to me. We didn't last either.

There is so so so much more to love and relationships than looks and weight. Being able to talk and share. Laugh. Be comfortable and not be stressed or on egg shells. Being in love means you have a solid connection.

There are so many men and I guess women like this. They think sexually about people and are shallow and focus on irrelevant nonsense. They are too shallow to see that those perfect lookers have flaws. She might look skinny. But she might have an unnatractive personality. She might have hairy toes and pick her nose whilst watching Tele if you get me lol.

The man I am so in love in with now is older. He's mid 40s. Going grey. Lines and wrinkles. He looks kinda haggard some days. But I still think he's gorgeous and he's the only man my heart beats for. I would pick him anyday over a perfect body and hunk of stuff. I really would. I could look at any man and answer the question of yes they are attractive. No they are not attractive to me. But that would be as far as my thoughts go. They would not become thoughts of I wish my boyfriend looked like that. Because I love him for what he makes me feel.

I'm so sorry he's making you feel like this. I do advise having a serious think whether this is someone you want to invest in. Just don't go settling for some rubbish future based on a pig headed man. His job is to make you feel loved and adored. You are his women. His focus should be on you always. X

Urgh! Life is too short for this. Why mention her? This is who he is and I think it’s got to the point where your using his insensitivity as a stick to beat yourself with.

If there are other issues and this is just another straw then maybe it’s time to really ask yourself if the relationship is worth it.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts.

Guess I have some thinking to do. I just wish he would be kinder but I think he has a deep seated resentment of me, which is why he seemingly goes out of his way to knock my confidence.
It would be helpful if I could have an honest conversation with him about things, without him immediately making it my fault, or making me look unreasonable!

This is probably his way of trying to approach the issue of how we expect our partners to look, within reason.

I don't think his behaviour is unreasonable and I think it's an issue that needs to be discussed rather than not spoken about at all as he's trying to express his minimum standard.

What I mean by this is for example, I would take issue with my other half if he began appearing in public unshaven, unclean, overweight, and generally dishevelled as it would show that he'd stopped caring about himself, and how I felt about him. He also has a minimum standard he expects of me, which is much the same in that he expects me to be mindful of my appearance.

This is just your husband's way of letting you know he would find you more attractive if you lost a bit of weight. This isn't telling you he wants someone else.

These are very difficult conversations to have so prepare to hear things you maybe don't want to hear but these kinds of things need to be said if you're in it for the long haul. Don't just ignore it. Both of you need to discuss what you expect from the other one.

As a PP said, there is no objective bar of 'unhappiness' regarding leaving a marriage.

Also, and most importantly for your view of yourself, there is no objective bar of 'sensitivity', either, so if you're sensitive about a thing and he's making you feel like you're at fault for that, who does he think he is? Does he think he gets to make the rules about how sensitive or how x or how y you are allowed to be? Why does he think he gets to make the rules about that? That's your emotions. That's who you are.

So, when you say' 'Oh, maybe it's just me being sensitive...', well, you're right, it absolutely is. But don't view that as a negative thing. Anybody who loves you will be gentle around you with regard to your sensitivities, whether they seem to make any sense or not.

Take the example of a couple, where one is afraid of harmless spiders, and the other is not. There is no objective basis for the fear, right? The spiders cannot do anybody any harm, so, objectively, it's just a bit silly to have this sensitivity. What would a sensitive partner do? Shove spiders right under the nose of their phobic partner? Or try to keep them from ever having to see a spider?

Your partner is shoving the spider of this friend's name down your throat, and trying to make you feel faulty for getting upset about it. Don't allow this to carry on. With this 'spider' or any others that you have.

Choose people who respect your emotions, rather than trying to have emotions that line up with other people's expectations. The only thing wrong with you is that you are in the wrong relationship.

I just wish he would be kinder but I think he has a deep seated resentment of me, which is why he seemingly goes out of his way to knock my confidence

This may be true, but it doesn't matter. Really, sentences like these need to stop at the first clause. 'I just wish he would be kinder to me. But he isn't.' Managing what's going on is his responsibility, not yours, and if you spend time thinking about how and why his mindset is the way it is, you lose time when you could be thinking about why your mindset is the way it is.

'Managing what's going on in his head is his responsibility',

Sorry.

@Grotbog

This is probably his way of trying to approach the issue of how we expect our partners to look, within reason

You would approach a similar issue with your partner by critically comparing him to a friend you know he is insecure about, when you know it will upset him and he's specifically asked you not to do that?

Really?

You wouldn't sit down and have a gentle conversation to find out if he's ok, because he seems to have dropped his concerns about looking nice, and that's a worrying change in him? You'd say 'God, you don't even compare to Bob Muscles from down the pub, he's much more fanciable than you since you got fat and stopped shaving!'

He refers to someone as skinny Laura and you take that as a personal insult??
You sound overly sensitive about your own weight tbf and you do sound jealous of your friend, have you addressed your weight if it’s such an issue?

You say you're trying really hard to make things better - what's he doing?