Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Please help me get my head around this

20 replies

Heartofstrings · 06/02/2021 08:33

DH is not such a DH. I love him and tolerate him but am angry and resentful and tired.

He's grumpy. Tired. Lazy. Short tempered. He spends time with the children (both preschoolers) but does little with them. He cooks dinner but doesnt do ANY tidying up. He occasionally does the dishwasher. Zero interest in sex and each evening wants to watch telly with me - literally nothing else. Stays in bed and still wakes up complaining he's tired. Disappears for naps.

We used to walk, play board games, play with the kids, clean the house, drink wine together in front of the fire, make special meals to share.

It's been just awful lately.

Add one more bombshell.

He's actually acted on this and approached the doctor for some blood tests. They've actually flagged some issues. This has really confused me because symptoms of the issues are low sex drive, low motivation, tiredness, depression, grumpiness. It can be 'cured' through weekly injections.

So this lazy, useless husband who I'm just angry with may not be so lazy and useless after all. I'm just so confused. I like him as a person but my god he makes my life difficult. He's not abusive, he's interesting, he's ambitious. He's my person but he's a bloody shit husband.

If he can fix this then the thought he will be back is just amazing. I just don't know what to think or do. My house is a mess, my preschoolers are feral, I'm exhausted from working full time. I can't manage this for much longer.

Confused. resentful. Angry. Hopeful. I just don't know what to think or feel

OP posts:

StarsonaString · 06/02/2021 10:11

How long has this been going on and how long is the cure for the issues likely to take? Hopefully he will get back to his normal self and if he doesn't then you have time to get organised and decide your future.

In terms of how to rationalise the shit time you've had in order to 'forgive' him, perhaps think on your vows of in sickness and in health. If it had been a more visible illness that had taken him out of action and made him grumpy, would that be easier?

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 06/02/2021 15:35

I think it's just a gradual improvement and he might have the injections forever. I don't know a huge amount about it yet.

I guess I just really hope to get my true husband back. He's been like it a long time but worse this last two years. I think it's been more obvious since we had our second child who is now 3 as there are now a lot more demands on our time

OP posts:

AliceMcK · 06/02/2021 15:39

What exactly is wrong with him? How is he not your husband anymore? Did you not agree to in sickness and in health?p when you married him? You sound like your complaining about something that is completely out of his control. Have you thought your attitude to his health may be making him worse?

gannett · 06/02/2021 15:47

I'd have thought this explained things, not confused them. He's been acting out of character, it turns out there's a medical reason for that, and hopefully it's on the way to being fixed. That's a best-case scenario. In your position I'd be relieved that he wasn't acting like that because he was just a dickhead, and that he took the initiative to go to the GP, and that they could diagnose him quickly.

Hope he responds well and is back to his old self soon.

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 06/02/2021 16:41

I'm not being harsh to him. It's just been so hard going. I've basically been single handedly raising my kids, doing the housework and earning money all without childcare and help for the last 3 years.

I went back to work when my youngest was 4 weeks old. He came with me to work each evening.

I'm 100% behind him. But I've gone from thinking he's a rubbish husband to it actually being a health issue. It's confused me a lot.

It's hormone issues. I hope he's improved soon. hopefully will start the injections very soon. My brain just can't compute the fact that there really has been an issue and that I've been struggling with having 2 babies.

OP posts:

Lillygolightly · 06/02/2021 17:06

Sounds like they are going to give him testosterone injections. It will take a little while (weeks) to see much difference. Hopefully these injections work for him as low testosterone can really affect some much worse than others. That being said what’s low for one, may be normal to someone else. The range of what’s considered normal is quiet large, and I think what’s known as a therapeutic dose or TRT testosterone replacement therapy (like what your DH will be getting) is a relatively cautious dose. This is so that you don’t get a huge dose of levels that then drop dramatically before you next dose as this can lead to mood swings, l up and down behaviour etc. Not only that but when there is an excess amount of testosterone hormone in a mans body, that extra testosterone gets turned into oestrogen which can have a whole other set of issues. The doctors should hopefully be monitoring this.

The testosterone issue aside though, he’s clearly gotten into some bad habits during this period and they may be hard to break even if the injections do work in making him feel better. He’s going to have to put in some effort and be proactive in making some changes along side receiving these injections. So whilst these injections may make him much better and much more productive, I think your going to need to both work on your relationship to improve things. Hopefully he will do this and be better able to share the load with you properly as he should.

SummerBlondey · 06/02/2021 17:17

There's always one

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 06/02/2021 17:20

Thanks. You've understood it correctly, I believe. He's currently upstairs "tidying."

I'm interpreting this as him sorting all the crap he's dumped everywhere while I have to have the kids.all afternoon and cook dinner. This is after I tidied all the stuff he didn't bother doing yesterday while he had the kids...I managed all this with the kids underfoot whereas he didn't.

Gah frustrating. It's hard to contain my frustration with him when I have two preschoolers complaining at me husband is now cross with me because I've been giving him attitude today

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 06/02/2021 17:24

Do you mean he has low testosterone? It happens. Just like when women go through the menopause and our hormones are everywhere and we can be all those things you have mentioned!
If he was different before...how can you not want it to give it a chance for him to be himself again?

RandomMess · 06/02/2021 17:24

My DH was unwell with low Vit D and undiagnosed psoriatic arthritis. He was exhausted, was in pain and slept a lot.

He still made an effort to help and engage with the DC.

It sounds like you H is ill but been completely selfish with it. As in he could have done more to help but he put himself 100% first.

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 06/02/2021 20:12

Yes low testosterone. I'm desperately trying to be patient. I'm pleased he wasn't just a rubbish husband. But my thoughts are now all.muddled. maybe he wasn't to blame for being crap. He's genuinely been exhausted

OP posts:

Colourmeclear · 07/02/2021 12:16

This must be incredibly frustrating and confusing. I think I would hold a little resentment. What took him so long to see a GP? Couldn't this have been found sooner? At the same time you might feel empathy for him because he was suffering but then you suffered too. It will be difficult but I think you should give the treatment a chance and also communicate your feelings with him. Does he generally listen to your concerns?

Itstimetoquit · 07/02/2021 17:45

How's things opx

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 07/02/2021 22:17

Frustrating and confusing is exactly it.

Everything is ok thanks. We've taken this evening apart to have a breather. I'm processing a lot of emotions and so have been quite frustrated with him this weekend.

I've had the kids alone for most of the weekend. He's spent the whole weekend "sorting." Granted it's been needed but if he had been pulling his weight on previous weeks it wouldn't have gotten this bad.

I'm really hoping this is an upward trend. He has his appointment on Tuesday and then hopefully will start treatment soon. Injections makes it all feel quite serious. Then blood tests every few months initially.

He's really been putting an effort this weekend to sort the chaos and has worked really hard but I'm struggling to appreciate it through the cloud of exhaustion and resentment.

Our eldest boy is suspected asd so looking after two preschoolers alone all weekend hasn't been the funnest.

OP posts:

Honeybobbin · 07/02/2021 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 08/02/2021 21:25

This is it. You know the MN mantra about useless husbands? Mine is pretty much that. A drain on my energy and just messes up the house. But then to realise it's a health thing. It's a bit baffling. I do still enjoy his company. I like him. I think I love him

OP posts:

billy1966 · 08/02/2021 21:57

OP,

I hope the injections help.

However you have had a really really shit couple of years doing EVERYTHING.

I can't imagine how hard that everything is, 2 children, house, childcare AND FT job.

Unbelievable.

This has gone on years and he has allowed it to, not going to the GP earlier.

Do NOT feel bad for being fed up and pissed.

Sounds to me that you have had the patience of a saint.

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 13/02/2021 07:45

DH spent yesterday trying to tidy up our dump of a house with the preschoolers while I worked. The place is still a dump but he's made a massive dent.

He's a grumpy arse though. I can tell it feels like massive effort for him.

He's having his lie in this morning and I'll wake him up at 9.30. (I have my couple of hours then which I'm happy with). But I know he will wake up exhausted and grumpy

OP posts:

billy1966 · 13/02/2021 11:24

Being grumpy is as much a choice as behaving normally.

Protect yourself and your future from this misery.

MrsWindass · 13/02/2021 11:31

@Heartofstrings

Thanks. You've understood it correctly, I believe. He's currently upstairs "tidying."

Gah frustrating. It's hard to contain my frustration with him when I have two preschoolers complaining at me husband is now cross with me because I've been giving him attitude today

Can you imagine a husband coming on here complaining about his wife having PND and moaning about her ? Get a grip !

Flip