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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So hard to know what to do

14 replies

AzureHawker · 05/02/2021 18:39

I posted here recently about asking my OH to leave, it’s been 1 week and after being so sure for at least 1 year continuously that I wanted to separate I’m finding it really hard to actually deal with the practicalities of everything. I’m really not sure I can cope on my own. I have a long history of depression and anxiety and this has become significantly worse over the last year, with the lack of normality and probably too much time stuck in the house.
I’m finding everything overwhelming, I tried to buy a car and ended up getting sucked into a used car sale that I’m not sure is a good one and have had very little time to think it through as I desperately need one, think that salesman sensed my desperation and the fact that I haven’t a clue what I’m doing, I’ve never bought a car of my own before always just driven my soon to be ex partners. I ended up having to phone him to ask for advice as I was so overwhelmed by it all.
I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing about the car but I’ve committed to it which is probably going to end up being a complete, unaffordable disaster. I feel like I am a complete mess on my own, I can’t make decisions, I make terrible mistakes every time I try to do anything for myself. Having to phone him for help with a week of telling him I wanted to leave him has really knocked my confidence in my ability to do this alone.

OP posts:

autumnalrain · 05/02/2021 19:17

Hi OP. Sorry you are finding this hard. I'm going to give some tough love and a hard shake, so brace yourself1

You are a grown adult! You don't need a carer or a man. You will be able to cope. It will be hard for the first couple of weeks, heck maybe even months, but you will eventually find your feet again. Think of it like this.. what would happen if you never met him? How did you survive before him? How do other single people manage to buy cars? They are no better than you. They make mistakes just like you. But they carry on and get by until being independent becomes second nature.

You've shown so much strength just by leaving him. I know that must have been hard. Don't throw that hard work and progress away over one blip in the road. Good luck OP

ConkerBonkers · 05/02/2021 19:20

I think you can do this. Do you know anyone else who has bought a car who could help you? Why not call the citizens rights bureau and find out what your rights are regarding pulling out of the car purchase, or try to get more info about the car by getting the AA to go and check the car out first before you buy it. The car might not be as bad as you think. You really don't need anyone else to take over to sort things out for you. You just need to work out who to ask for help about specific things. You will be fine, I'm sure, and please don't settle for the wrong person, noone deserves that.

ConkerBonkers · 05/02/2021 19:21

Citizens advice bureau!

Original poster

AzureHawker · 05/02/2021 19:27

@autumnalrain

Hi OP. Sorry you are finding this hard. I'm going to give some tough love and a hard shake, so brace yourself1

You've shown so much strength just by leaving him. I know that must have been hard. Don't throw that hard work and progress away over one blip in the road. Good luck OP

You’re right, I am being completely pathetic. I’m so scared of making mistakes. I’ve never made decisions as an adult, Ive been with him since I was 20 and now 35 so I’ve never had control over my own life. Thank you for the shake

OP posts:

Divebar2021 · 05/02/2021 19:31

What about family and friends? Isn’t there anyone else around to offer help? I didn’t buy my first car until I was about 33 as I was living in London and a colleague who used to be a mechanic helped me ( through his contacts).

Original poster

AzureHawker · 05/02/2021 19:33

@Missdotty I don’t really have many friends that I could ask and I really don’t want to get my family involved in this until things are settled. If I asked my DM and her OH they could give me advice but they would probably end up worrying and trying to buy me a car even though they couldn’t afford and I still wouldn’t be doing things for myself.

OP posts:

Divebar2021 · 05/02/2021 19:38

What happens if you make a mistake? People make mistakes all the time but they don’t let them define them. I got horribly lost going somewhere recently and it was stressful at the time but afterwards I was able to recount my adventures to a friend and we laughed about it. I might not make a great decision about a car on my own but I’d probably look up the reviews and check the list price ( is that called Parker’s??? ) and probably get the AA to check it over. Buy it from a reputable garage so if it goes wrong I know where to go and complain. People work this stuff out from doing it.... and then the next time you buy one you avoid whatever mistake you made the first time around.

TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 05/02/2021 19:46

Buying a used car is notoriously stressful for those of us who aren't car people. For reference, my DH was a car salesman and we have still ended up with some shite cars over the years. This is not a marker of capability - it's just bad luck. So if the car turns out to be the bane of your life (and I hope it isn't), don't use that as evidence that you are somehow deficient. It's just one of those things.

Calling him for advice after leaving him is not a sign of weakness. It shows that you are two adults with a shared history and you weren't too proud to ask for his opinion. This is a sign of maturity, and doesn't mean that you need to be a couple.

You are using some really unkind words describing yourself. Depression can create negative self-talk, but it's a maintaining feature that really serves the condition and hurts you. Try speaking to yourself and about yourself the way that you would another person and give yourself some grace. Recognize that after 15 years together, you've done something really difficult and there will be gaps in your knowledge and experience because you were part of a team as a younger adult. That's ok. You'll gather all of this experience as you go. I can't imagine how difficult it's been to go through this in the isolation we've all experienced in the last months, but it will get easier.

category12 · 05/02/2021 19:46

You should still be able to pull out of the car-buy if you think you've made a mistake - depending where you're buying from, you usually have a cooling off period, legally.

The AA will do a car check for you (probably other similar companies would too).

It is scary, and I think buying a car is one of the big challenges as newly single. Asking your parents to advise you is not getting them to do it for you, few people make these decisions completely on their own - even blokes .

It's really early days, and some things can be quite overwhelming, but you will get to grips with them and find a competence and confidence you didn't know you had.

Original poster

AzureHawker · 05/02/2021 20:28

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. It really helped me put things in perspective about the car, I know i can pull out of the sale still as the car is getting delivered, I’ve not seen it in real life yet so can return it if I’m not happy with it. However I probably wouldn’t recognise any problems with it even by driving it as I’m just not that experienced with these things! It is coming from a main dealer though so there is a warranty which would hopefully cover anything untoward coming up in the first couple of months.
Even though ex ohs controlling behaviour is one of the reasons I wanted to separate from him, it’s hard to suddenly find myself with the opposite problem of having to make all these decisions for myself! I guess going straight out and buying a car was throwing myself in at the deep end

OP posts:

Jumpers268 · 05/02/2021 20:45

The fact that you say "salesman" makes me think you're buying it from a dealer. If so, you can change your mind. I bought a second hand car from a dealer, drove it for a week (it was a piece of shit) and got my money back. It was a headache so if you're not sure pull out now. You can request a refund within 30 days for purchase, for no reason at all, under the "short term right to reject" (Consumer Rights Act 2015). You have way more rights buying from a dealer than a private seller.

category12 · 05/02/2021 20:52

Pay for the AA to look at it, or take it in to an independent garage and have someone look it over for you (if there's a garage you trust or your parents/friends/ex trust, go to them).

It is a big thing, big purchase, you're bound to have some misgivings. But with any luck, you can get a plan in place in your head for if it turns out not to be right, and start to get excited for it as well.

FlowersOfAldershot · 06/02/2021 00:49

@autumnalrain I think your tough love response at the start of this thread was ill advised. I assume you have not had to live with anxiety and depression and understand how fucked up it makes the simplest (to others) tasks seem insurmountable? How exhausting just existing is? OP needs a friend or family member to support her in this role.

Sargass0 · 06/02/2021 08:20

[quote FlowersOfAldershot]@autumnalrain I think your tough love response at the start of this thread was ill advised. I assume you have not had to live with anxiety and depression and understand how fucked up it makes the simplest (to others) tasks seem insurmountable? How exhausting just existing is? OP needs a friend or family member to support her in this role.[/quote]
How about flipping this? If OP does something for herself it could empower her to grow and have confidence in her own abilities without relying on others, who might not always be around

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