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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this harrasment or what term to use?

23 replies

fedupwiththeguy · 05/02/2021 16:29

I met a guy online and we dated for 3-4 months. We met once a week, took two months or so for the first kiss... nothing serious.

I never invited him to my house, but accepted him dropping me off at the door, so he knows where I live.

I left him when he showed up at my place of work with flowers "because it was 1 month from our first kiss" We were meeting at a cafe nearby and I had asked him to let me know when he arrived (he was late), so I could make time at the office while waiting for him,

For me, this was an ambush, he could have given me the flowers at the cafe, but he decided to make a scene from a romcom. The receptionist was laughing, everyone looking at us and giggling. I felt violated and being someone I had been dating for a couple of months I felt it was very inappropriate and territory marking. Of course, he was very offended that after such a lovely gesture I was put off rather than jumping him [rolling my eyes]

Fast forward a month, I had left him, no contact, everything normal. It is my birthday and I get a message from him saying he left something in my porch. I check my security camera and sure, it is him in my porch and blowing a kiss to my camera. He left a passive-aggressive letter, a keychain with my and my children initials and a tshirt printed with a photo of my children

I did not like that he even used their names when he had not even met them. After that I removed him as a facebook friend, blocked in whatsapp, etc Covid starts and he is stuck abroad, months go without contact until recently I receive a call from a number that I don't know and it is him telling me he is back in the country and wants to be friends, etc. I asked him if he knew that he was blocked from whatsapp, that I had removed him from facebook, etc and also explain that we don't have many things in common and he doesn't bring anything to my life, so I do not wish to invest in a friendship with him. The call ends with "well, you have my new number if you change your mind".

All good, but a week later or so, he sends me a message through instagram, a screenshot of my profile in a dating app, that says "you can meet her around Glasgow" (where he lives, I live in a different city). My bad, but I replied "no, you won't see me in Glasgow". A few days later I get another message telling me about the travel restrictions. I answer that I am not thinking of travelling in the middle of a pandemic and that just shows how he has no idea of who I am, and how we don't have many things to talk about, so he should stop messaging. He then tells me how he was going to leave flowers at my house this week, but he decided to call me first and because I did not answer, he turned around. That pissed me off. I live alone and sometimes with my children (split custody), and I am very very angry that he thinks showing up at people's houses like that is ok.

I don't think I can get police involved since I don't fear for my safety or threatened, it is more about boundaries and respect. At the same time, I don't want him to be anywhere near my house if my children are at home. I can't explain why, I just feel all my alarms going off and in mommy bear mode.

I am going to block him in instagram too, but before I do I want to send another message warning him about coming to my house.

"Wandering around my property uninvited is trespassing and I will not hesitate to contact authorities and providing with the video evidence from my security camera."

I do not know if I should talk about how I have blocked and ask not to contact and he keeps doing it and is it harrassment?

OP posts:

HRHPP · 05/02/2021 16:36

Send a message saying ‘I do not want any more contact with you . Please do not contact me . If you continue contact me in any way I will report you for harassment ‘

Be very clear . Block him . If he continues to contact you report to the police . I had to do this and the police took it very seriously .your only contact must be to say you do not want any contact .

Dontknownow86 · 05/02/2021 16:38

Ugh I hate men like this. Utter weirdos. I would tell him if he messages you again you will report it to the police as it is becoming harassment.

Original poster

fedupwiththeguy · 05/02/2021 16:42

I also want to warn him about coming to my house. He did this for my birthday a year ago, he was planning to do it again last week.

My birthday is coming in a few days and I am concerned he will think it is a great idea to come to my house with a gift.

I am more worried about the physical presence in my property than I am about a message in my phone. So I think I need to put an emphasis on this too, not only the contact, right?

OP posts:

Ardvark111 · 05/02/2021 16:44

Jesus Christ this guy is unhinged, I apologise on behalf of mankind,!! At very least log all this on police non emergency line,!! Unblock him temporarily msg him saying you do not wish to receive any form of contact from him and if he does you will take it further,!! Save that msg...
Then block him.. if he msgs or if he calls let it go to voicemail then contact cops,, that's freaky / worrying re tshirt with your kids tbh

HRHPP · 05/02/2021 16:50

Yes emphasise any form of contact . Keep it brief. Keep evidence.

I ended up being cross examined by my abuser in court.

He was found guilty

JorisBonson · 05/02/2021 16:56

@HRHPP

Send a message saying ‘I do not want any more contact with you . Please do not contact me . If you continue contact me in any way I will report you for harassment ‘

Spot on.

If he contacts you after this, this is harassment.

Although I think he's bordering on stalking by coming to your home etc.

What an absolute looney!

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2021 17:02

I actually think you should be very concerned about your safety. This man is an absolute freak. Do as pp advise above. Tell him to never contact you again, never come to your work or home again, and if he does you're going straight to the police. I have no doubt there are other women in his past who have fallen victim to this lunatic.

Haffiana · 05/02/2021 17:19

Love bomber meets woman with actual boundaries. He must be so confused

Well done for not being charmed by that creepy shit. I would utterly not engage at all, not to warn him, not anything. It all feeds into his needy delusions. You need to go grey rock.

If he leaves a present on your doorstep just leave it there until someone steals it. You are in charge of your own reactions and you do not have to respond to any of it at all.

Santaiscovidfree · 05/02/2021 17:23

Get yourself to a charity shop. Buy the biggest pair of men's boots they have and leave them in your porch...

Duckberg · 05/02/2021 17:24

@Santaiscovidfree

Get yourself to a charity shop. Buy the biggest pair of men's boots they have and leave them in your porch...

That's a good idea.

Santaiscovidfree · 05/02/2021 17:25

If he gets to the door he will feel a fucking idiot. As he well should...

category12 · 05/02/2021 17:28

You need to stop explaining and say something short and to the point - "Do not contact me again, I have no interest in further interaction with you. I will get the police involved if you continue to bother me". Block everywhere and then if he does turn up on your door, call the police. Don't assume he's not dangerous because he could well be.

OldEvilOwl · 05/02/2021 17:35

Agree send him one last message telling you not to contact you then stop replying

PlinkPlink · 05/02/2021 17:38

I've been where you are, except I didn't have kids before.

PP are right. Send that message. If he continues, ring 101 and log it.

He really won't get the message until you contact the police.

Original poster

fedupwiththeguy · 05/02/2021 18:17

Thank you all for your replies. Can I log with the police the event that happened a year ago, so if he shows up again there is a history and will be taken more seriously? And how do I describe the event to police, do I need to label it as trespassing/stalking/harassment? I am assuming they can only intervene when there is a threat or something illegal going on.

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 05/02/2021 18:20

@fedupwiththeguy

Definitely. Call 101 and they can advise.

Original poster

fedupwiththeguy · 05/02/2021 18:28

"If he leaves a present on your doorstep just leave it there until someone steals it."

Well, the gift is not the problematic part, I can put it straight in the bin without looking.

The problem is having an unwelcome presence in my property. It feels hugely invasive and inappropriate. Even though I have curtains, you can see and hear, not to mention that we may open the door to go out unaware that he is in the porch. It has started to cause anxiety and me checking before opening the door. He lives about 30 miles away, so it is not the same as if he lived down the street and we were "coincidentally bumping into each other".

I may be too sensitive to having people in my porch, as the same happens if sales people knocks on the door repeatedly. Sometimes they knock and my children look through the window, so they know there is people home, and they keep knocking louder and louder. Dude, you know we know you are there, if I did not open, get the hint and move on.

OP posts:

slashlover · 05/02/2021 18:56

As an aside, get one of those stickers for your door saying "No cold callers". I got one for a few pounds from Amazon.

Original poster

fedupwiththeguy · 05/02/2021 19:25

@slashlover thank you, I didn't know these existed! I have a "no junk mail" and still receive plenty of flyers and things not addressed. Not sure people respect the signs, but will buy one :)

OP posts:

LouHotel · 05/02/2021 19:30

You are massively under reacting to this. Log with the police and dont downplay.

Your still responding to him you need to stop this as a negative reaction is still a reaction for stalkers. Send the do not contact message and block him on everything, if he shows up at your house phone the police. He may just stop OP or he could spiral that's why you need the police.

higgledypiggledyhen · 05/02/2021 19:32

Notify the police. Just log it. You never know. He may be harassing others too

Guiltypleasures001 · 06/02/2021 15:30

Hi op

How did he get a pic of your kids for the t shirt ? Ide consider that a threat, that's over stepping every mark in the book.

Original poster

fedupwiththeguy · 07/02/2021 20:26

@Guiltypleasures001 we were facebook friends and I have a few "memorable" photos such as first day of school, birthdays, etc that I shared with friends. Since that happened, I changed the settings to family only (all my family is abroad, so I still use Facebook to share with them).

At the end, I sent him a message telling him how inappropriate and lacking boundaries his "ideas" were. That I did not want any kind of contact from him, and to never show at my house of place of work or I will involve authorities.
I don't know if it was correct or not, but I added that we dated for 3 months over a year ago, and he should get over it already.

OP posts:

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