AIBU? Partner & his work colleague?

[butterflyxo]

Hi Everyone!

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here and could do with some advice so I'll try and make this quick!

My partner of 1.5 years met this girl at work. I've met her once when he first joined and she made a snide comment towards me so I never really got a good impression of her.

There's been multiple FaceTimes from her to him which he kept secret and they text quite a bit (a few times a week) and she puts things like 'I miss you' when she's away on holiday? This has been happening over 6-10 months now.

They leave the office to get lunch together some days (KFC, maccies) but whenever they do, they go alone. My partner has some really good friends at work so I find that odd that he goes with her and not them? He also makes a point of not telling me so I have to fish for the information which doesn't help.

I've spoken to my partner and told him the texts & facetiming makes me feel uncomfortable as well as the lunches on their own but he insists they're just friends. I really do trust my partner but I can't seem to shake this bad gut instinct!!

AIBU? What would you think?

Going to lunch with a friend isn’t a problem. All the secrecy is. How does he explain this?

I would go through his e-mails, texts, whatsapps, messenger etc. Many will disagree, but this is how I found out that my best friend was shagging my first H. No way was I going to get to the truth by asking them.

Important question - does he allow you access to his phone? Or is it always in his pocket or locked?

Regards the "I miss you" comments, you have proof of that at least. I'd be tempted to post "Why are you telling my boyfriend that you miss him?"

Has she got a partner? If so, I'd be asking him what he makes of all this!

@disappear Yes exactly! If he'd have been honest from the start I may have felt differently but it still doesn't explain the I miss you messages

@SummerBlondey So sorry to hear that, I've tried to stay away from his phone so far but I'm not sure how else I'll know!

I do trust that he hasn't cheated but I'm worried she's flirting, making advances & he probably likes the attention so goes along with it? Maybe I'm being naive?

If I push him he'll let me use his phone but he gets defensive & really doesn't like me using it.

I'm not sure if she has a partner, I know she broke up with her ex not so long ago but unsure if there's anyone new.

Sounds not dissimilar to my situation. My OH has finally admitted to going along with her attention/flirting and eventually basically encouraging it. He feels really bad about it all now and did feel guilty at the time when he realised what situation he'd got himself into, but he got a bit swept up in it all (complicated by the fact he had just moved workplace and was desperate to fit in and was following her lead). He wasn't sure where boundaries were supposed to be, went too far before he'd realised it then didn't know how to backpeddle so started to keep it secret from me and ended up denying things. We are working through it.

Cue 3 months of relationship counselling. My OH said yes to therapy straight away, which gave me confidence, and since then we have been looking at how we communicate, where different boundaries are etc and actually growing a bit closer. So there is hope, but only if he is willing. I'd recommend you both talk this through with a counsellor. Check out the BACP catalogue, its very easy to get Zoom sessions now. Regardless of this other woman's intentions or your OH's complicity in something at odds with respecting you, you're not happy with his approach to the relationship, and he is brushing off your concerns. That's reason enough to seek professional support.

I can't say for sure, but my instinct says that it does sound like he is enjoying being fancied/encouraging it more than he ought to be if he is in relationship with you. You're meant to (kindly) bat that sort of attention away/friendzone when you are committed to someone else. As PP said its not the friendship or lunches that's the problem, its the secrecy and the potential that he is enjoying romantic rather than platonic interactions. Secrecy around flirting is dodgy territory, ripe for an EA.