I hate what hes doing to our 14 year old daughter

[inthedarkx]

My ex (who was abusive in our marriage) had his contact day today with our children. No overnight tonight just for the afternoon. It went badly, and has impacted on me and the children tonight. I don't have contact with him unless its via message and child related, he picks them up at the car park near me and drops them off there and doesnt come to my door as ive told him he must not so no face to face contact. hes moved on with a new woman that he left me for yet still wants info on my life.

In the past my children (apart from the 14 year old) have expressed that daddy sometimes asks them questions about me and my personal life and that they feel like they are in the middle and dont know what to say to him, so ive told them to respond with 'sorry we dont know anything daddy'
Ive also confronted him and asked him not to question the children unless it relates to them.

Tonight my 10 year old told me he took our 14 year old into the kitchen, closed the door and was whispering to our 14 year old in the kitchen, all my 10 year old heard was him saying 'hows mummy and her...' and thats all she heard as they started whispering. Now i confronted him and he said he was just questioning her on whether my shower had been fixed yet (shower broke before lockdown and due to virus landlord coudnt fix, kids told him about the broken shower previously even though we have baths instead)

He treats our 14 year old daughter like the golden child, asks her everything he needs to know and she obliges, makes our 13 year old daughter wash pots and vacuum but lets our 14 year old daughter relax. He bought her a phone and pays for it too, didnt do that with the others.

Our 14 year old comes home all smug saying daddy only asked about the shower and if i dont believe her and daddy then tough, saying she understands adult things now and i should stop treating her like a baby. Then said i wont tell you what he said because you will go back to your usual ways (this is a textbook sentence my ex used to say to me when he was emotionally abusing me) Hes still abusing me through our daughter because ive gone no contact with him.
She said our 10 year old is a 'cause troubler' and my ex even text me the same thing that out 10 year old is a cause troubler.

I dont know what to do, hes alienating her against me, and using her. I dont ask the children any questions about him. Hes given her an adult role. She calls me names now and everything. I went through her phone when she got back and shes deleted all messages from her to him and then when i look in her photo album shes screen shotted several conversations between me and her so i think shes done that and sent them to him. She will not tell me the truth on what hes been questioning her on or what shes been saying to him. Shes enjoying seeing me tormented! Shes 14!

Hes obviously loving the fact im being mentally tortured at the fact i dont know what hes asked her.

Hi OP, I have been in a similar position for a few years now, although my children are a bit younger than yours. The way I have dealt with it is to make sure that my house is the DCs safe place, I try to be consistent, loving, and always reasonable & kind towards their dad if they mention him (it takes all my strength to do this sometimes!) My theory is that they will see the truth of the situation for themselves, even if it takes a while. I just try to get on with my life, raise DC the best I can & ignore any unreasonable behaviour from their dad. The worst thing is having your child acting as a spy & trying to gather ‘evidence’ against you - I still struggle with the thought of that but we are 3 years into it now & I think we may have turned a corner. I am receiving support from a domestic abuse charity which has been invaluable, could this be an option for you? They also provide support for children. Good luck with it all, you have my sympathy, it’s awful.

A pp described this as grooming and that's just what it sounds like. I would be concerned there's some chance of abuse here. Secret conversations away from the other kids and she's his special girl that gets princess treatment? Ugh. You hear this backstory from a lot of people who were abused as kids.

my ex treats his youngest of three girls as the golden child. over time it caused issues between all his children and now they rarely get along with each other anymore. it's pretty sad.

@Wellthatwassilly
If your 14 year wants to act like an adult then she needs to stop calling her dad 'daddy' for starters
If you wanted to act like an adult you wouldn't be suggesting children need to stop calling their dad 'Daddy'!

@Alexandernevermind where did I say I wanted to 'act like an adult' ?

@Cokie3

Tell her if she wants to be treated like an adult, then she can act like one! Starting from today, she cooks her own dinner and does all the dishwashing/clearing away. She will see you cooking dinner for yourself and your 13 year old, and soon drop the act.

Great idea , she'll feel emotionally abandoned by her mother, fuck her up mentally and possibly drive her to live with the abuser. The point is , you think you're clever and know everything at 14 but you don't.

Isn't making one child do housework while not the other (especially given that in this case the younger child is being told to do it, not older) essentially abuse/bullying?

He's making a difference between them a d making one do work around his home bit not the other.

Could this be, along with other things, the basis of a case through social services?

Arguably his access should not continue as is if he chooses not to treat his children equally, as well as manipulating them to illicit private information about their mother.

Perhaps women's aid can advise.

Is like to see the wind taken out of this fucker's sails.

You could say he's treating the child he makes do housework unfairly, is alienating the children from each other with unequal treatment & communication, and gifts .... And pressuring then to illicit info about their other parent.

Keep a note of everything and speak to WA/SS.

Stop having conversations with her by text - just keep to the most neutral things that it wouldn't matter if they were projected onto the sides of the Houses of Parliament.

You can't control what he asks her about, so there is nothing you can do to stop that. What you can do is control the flow of information in terms of not giving any information that could be used against you; so the shower was broken 'Yes, it was fixed'. Rather than 'You can't have x because y and z/I haven't received any maintenance/you behaved appallingly/etc', 'I'll see what I can do x'. When he sends you nasty messages, either ignore, 'Acknowledged' or 'k'.

If you have a boyfriend, which is what I suspect this is about, even the nicest person is going to be interested in something that might affect their child. If you can make sure that no 'relationship' type of thing (arguments, etc) bleeds over into home, there's no mileage to be gained from him asking her questions, as she doesn't have anything to give him.

It won't stop him being a dick (or her, for that matter, 14 year olds can be awful), but you can take away the buzz of power both get from seeing you go crazy and start confrontations.

Hi op I’ve gone through exactly the same except he done it with my two daughters and kept my son from me for about 2.5years. At first I did exactly the same as you I realised after a while it didn’t work so I changed my strategy.
I sat my girls down and explained to them I had absolutely no secrets and whatever they felt they wanted to share with their dad was ok with me. I told them I knew he asked questions but it was ok to tell him whatever the wanted to. I also explained if they didn’t want to that was fine to. I never questioned them, I asked if they had a nice time and supported them as much as I could.
I kept my private life private, I went on dates but didn’t share it with them until I met my partner I was open and told them they could tell their dad if they wanted but didn’t have to.
2 years later, my kids understand what their dad was doing, he got bored due to them freely telling him everything they wanted. My youngest told him we don’t have secrets. My son is now back in my life and he has control over nothing because I took his power away. Good luck he sounds like an absolute twat. But every dog has their day x