Family estrangement & child

[Sid077]

Hi
I am estranged from 3 of my 4 sisters for valid reasons, this began 3 years ago. I have recently separated from my husband and have one child. DC is in early teens so has an awareness & has felt the impact of the estrangement missing parties & general connectedness of a previously outwardly close family - all of this is a veil of closeness not real family relationships but to the untrained eye of a child a close family.

I thought about trying to build bridges especially with my relationship breakdown but decided against it after much thought & a counsellor confirming inviting them back into my life during such a vulnerable time would not help me or my DC. It is not something I’m ready for in terms of a possible reconciliation - I have forgiven but don’t want them back in my life.

My DC has tonight said ‘they don’t like me there is no other explanation for them not keeping in touch’ with her, this obviously breaks my heart. I have explained it’s not about you it’s about me - DC does not understand or accept this & honestly I can understand why DC feels like this. Who cuts all contact with a blood relative child they would have regularly seen & have their contact # to the point where they don’t msg happy birthday where they have been explicitly told that they would not be stopped maintaining contact in fact this would be facilitated. Am I the only one who thinks these ppl are f** monsters.

Does anyone else have experience of this & how did you deal with it. Family estrangement is such a taboo subject it’s hard to speak to ppl irl.

Thanks for reading.

So complicated when family are toxic. I am estranged from my eldest sister. I still send present and card to her children and have some WhatsApp contact with them. Honestly I think your dd is right and they dont care. But maybe help them see that this is a reflection on them not her. For you it sounds like you're feeling tempted to get back in touch. No one can say I'd this is wrong or right but if you did do you think things would be different than they were before?

Thanks for your reply. The only reason I contemplated a reconciliation was because of my dc to allow dc have more support through the divorce but I know this would not happen really which is why I decided against it, to protect myself & dc from their influence & crap behaviour at such a vulnerable time.
I know it reflects them more than my DC of course but dc doesn’t see their bullying & toxic behaviour just remembers the nice times she had with them so it’s very hard for dc to understand why she’s just been dropped. I wish I was an only child most days.

If they were messaging DC you mightn't like it so l think it's best your DC has no contact. She will understand as she gets older and if she wants later she can take up contact with her cousins outside of you and siblings. . I sometimes see here where people are encouraged not to receive gifts for their children in this situation. So l wouldn't fuel extra bitterness in your DC about relatives not being in touch. There is a breakdown and this is an obvious result.