I’m absolutely broken ... partner and escorts

[Lora88]

I just really needed to come back on here and post about my situation because I’m so broken hearted and destroyed
You may remember I posted last July , my baby girl was just 2 weeks old when I discovered my partner of 11 years and 3 children together had been taking coke when drinking then going on to call escorts up ...
I was so shocked because I just didn’t feel he could do this to me he wasn’t perfect but he’d always been loyal or so I thought
Over the course of 6 months I let him work on me whilst living apart (made him leave straight away) he convinced me he never met them and this was all some fantasy thrill seeking Behavior that he would never act on , despite everyone telling me that’s rubbish he told me over and over again he’d never gone through with it , swore to me , on the kids life’s, we did 6 sessions of therapy even !
I let him come back in December even though I couldn’t shake the gut feeling there was more and last night I discovered just that , i got into his email and pretended to be him , where it quickly unravelled he’d been paying for sex and even carried on paying for it after I’d found out back In July!! I’m so angry , hurt and feel physically sick , it’s not only that it’s the major gaslighting , he’s had me thinking I’m crazy , paranoid , even accuses me of not being able to let things go that I can’t stop digging because I want to end it and if that’s case I should just say. He was working when I found out and I simply told him not to come back that I was done and I had evidence of the betrayals, he’s not even replied since I provided the Evidence just swanned off to his mums and not even messaged today it’s like he’s sulking he’s been caught ? Like he genuinely thinks it’s my fault ?!
I obviously will never take this man back I’m appalled , disgusted , so many things.
But it’s horrible that I still love him and he used to be my best friend , now he’s just some fraud I’m
Questioning the full 11 years , and what the hell happpened to Him.
How do I start getting over this ?
I also want to tell any women out there that if your partner is calling local escorts and has accounts linked to escorts online do not ever let him tell you he hasn’t gone through with it because he has , please take my advice , my partner you’d never think this or , and the way he lied , he’s even say things to me such as like I’d pay for sex etc
Run a mile x

I'm so sorry he's done this to you.
You will get over this, because you sound like an incredibly strong woman. You have such insight into your feelings about this. Please don't be too harsh on yourself for trying to make it work - you did what you needed to at the time. But honestly, you're life is going to get so much better without him. x

Bless you. I really feel for you. As much as this hurts like hell right now it won't always. Your instincts were there protecting you and you now know that you weren't crazy or imagining it. I've been on the receiving end of being horrifically gaslighted. It's the most cruel thing anyone can do. You sound lovely, you know you deserve better. He's a dick to have lost you xxx

Disgusting the way these guys just keep lying. I dont blame you for trying to make it work, especially with a new baby. Well , he had a chance and he ruined it .
Wonder what his mother thinks of him using hookers ? Scumbag

I am so sorry OP yes I remember your thread very well. You gave him a chance so really did all you could even though he does not deserve you.
It happened to me too 6 years ago and like you I got very good advice on MN. But like you I was not ready to leave at the time, I can see now this made me like you very vulnerable. We were easy to gaslight it not your fault that your love for him was abused.
The gaslighting is the worst. I actually had a very serious breakdown and ended up in a mental health respite place as I could not function. The detective work I was obsessed with as I just did not understand what was real anymore. But I did leave and get healed. But first you have to accept this man was not your best friend. You only love a false version of him as you never really knew him. Men who lie and deceive like that do not love either. My ex was only pissed off he got caught. Not once did he show remorse for what he had put me through.
I agree about the local escort statement in your post. Far away phone calls equals fantasy, local phone calls a done deal. My exh had to go up north to get a passport (same day required a long wait for processing) I found phone call to sex workers in the same area bar 2 miles. He also rung local brothels on a regular basis and pulled out cash sums 10 minutes later. Denied it all! Many wise MNetters at the time said he was definitely seeing escorts. But I did not want to believe. He said it was a fantasy too but sex workers are out to make money not listen to the same perv wanting to chat they would be blocked for time wasting!
I fantasise about certain designer shoes but I dont call the shop every week asking about colour size and shape!
I was a respectable cover is all but I got out and I am very happily remarried now. My only regret I waited 4 years and gave 4 chances.
Get some therapy to talk about what you have been through and do not go back. They dont want to change. One day they will be a sad old perv. You deserve much better.

I'm so sorry it turned out this way.

I agree that you should get some counselling or therapy. You deserve every chance to be happy again and not let this rule the rest of your life.

Take care of yourself. X

How are you op x

Hi thanks so much for the supportive comments.
I’ve been doing much better than I expected , I thought he’d broken me but every day feels a little less painful I think It’s the shock of what he did blaming myself for not seeing him for what he really was and the anger of how he could do this to me with clearly no remorse for his family.
I’m just so thankful I found out and have the chance to find happiness again , I’m 32 so hopefully not too late to move on although I’m angry I waisted my 20’s with a fraud,
It’s such an awful thing to happen and the shock of it I don’t know if will Eve leave me ?
I start therapy online on the 23rd Feb and I’m hoping talking through all my emotions will help me find peace with myself xx

It's good your feeling a little stronger! It takes time to heal,his he trying to win you back( my ex was but I've blocked him now).I found out my ex was addicted to coke so I kicked him out,the first few days were just awful,but I feel a little stronger as the days pass xx

Thats a lovely update OP. It will do you good to talk through things to find some peace of mind once more.
It does get easier I promise. None of what has happened is a reflection on you. It was bad luck that you had a partner that was like this. Going forward just look out for red flags and trust your intuition to ensure you are not vulnerable x

It happened to me too 6 years ago and like you I got very good advice on MN. But like you I was not ready to leave at the time, I can see now this made me like you very vulnerable. We were easy to gaslight it not your fault that your love for him was abused.

Exactly the same thing happened to me. Everyone on MN told me to LTB but I just couldn't. I forgave him and made excuses for him (due to his alcohol problems and family issues).
Then it happened again and I forgave him again.
I had to muster up every last bit of strength (and there was fuck all left after 5 years of non-stop drama with him) to keep him away from me and not let him back ever again.

You can do this. Do not take him back EVER.
It will be really really hard but don't give in.

I think that the majority of men, once they've used sex workers, will do so again at some point.

It's really easy to tell people to just leave behind a screen. Hope you're ok as can be op