Will this ever go away

[Anonymouseky]

So a few weeks ago, me and my husband had a row. The police were involved as he pushed me. He’s never actually hit me but the push has been enough for me to walk away from the marriage. We have two young children and I won’t have them around anything like that. As the police were involved, children’s services were informed as this is standard procedure. The police said it was low level and they were not concerned after visiting our house. Children’s services rang and given the low level nature of the incident they won’t be doing an assessment, but they would if anything occurred in the future. I thought that was the end of it. We’ll be going our separate ways as soon as we’ve both found other accommodation so I thought we could put it behind us and focus on making plans for when he would see the children etc. Things have been very amicable since. Then a week ago our health visitor called. She had become aware of the incident (not sure if she got a letter or something flagged up on her computer screen or what). Now she wants to come round to the house. One of my children is due a 2 year review with her anyway but I imagine she’s chosen to do this in person because of what’s happened. She knows we are separating. I guess I just feel sad and worried because I feel like this is never ever going to go away now. It will always pop up on computer screens/ in files and we will always be watched more closely than other families with no previous incidents. Every time I have to take one of my children to the doctor I’m going to be worried. If they have an accident or get a bruise for any reason I’ll be worried someone at school may notice and think they’re being hurt. I’m pretty sure schools are informed whenever there’s been a domestic incident like this no matter how low level. I feel like professionals may start to look for things that aren’t really there or become extra suspicious of things that they wouldn’t even notice with other families. Am I being paranoid? I totally understand why information has to be shared for the protection of children who may be at risk, but I can’t help but think that doctors, medical professionals and teachers will possibly be over zealous over minor issues now. Waiting for the call from children’s services was honestly one of the worst times of my life and now I’ve got the HV visit to worry about too. Me and the children will be moving soon and will have a new school and doctors surgery and no doubt it will all get flagged up and noticed again and I’ll have to answer a gazillion questions all over again ☹️

You’re being paranoid. This only happened a few weeks ago. Plenty of women split with their partner after violence, only to get back with them soon after . They’re keeping an eye on things now, but once more time has passed and it’s clear your plan to continue prioritising your kids, then they’ll leave you alone.

They are just doing their job and doing it well it seems. Well done for your boundaries and keeping to them. Don't be worried as the last poster said, once you split permanently, nothing else happens then they will leave you alone. You have to remember that a lot of women in abusive relationships return again and again so this needs to be flagged up. I am not saying you will return but thats the process they need to follow.

I know you're worried but you really overthinking this.
The Hv is doing here job but tbh if there were real child protection concerns carrying on, you would know about it. It would be a lot more that this.
You write as if you're carrying shame rather than relief?
Social workers caseloads are massive. This won't be a constant flag that you think it is. Who do you think is watching you? It doesn't really work like that.

Also when you move, the doctor is not going to ask you a million questions about it. If anything, they will see you have moved from any domestic abuse so that will be a good thing. Not the othe way around that the children are being harmed.

I have a friend who went through a very similar experience to you, prior to the incident she'd never had any involvement with the police or any services and she was as terrified. In her case social services have been really good. They came to visit and saw that her girls were well cared for happy children, and have never had a negative attitude. They were helpful and supportive when she divorced her abusive ex. Don't worry, it will be ok.

Youre being paranoid. I'm saying that in the nicest possible way. I have have where you are myself and realistically, this is a positive thing that the HV is coming out.

I had so much support and help from the very services I was extremely paranoid and scared about.

You have done everything right, and left far far sooner than a lot of women, myself included. That is seen as a really really positive thing to those services. So please try not to let this worry you. They are just letting you know that you are not alone, really.

It's been a few weeks. Weeks.

Yes, you are being paranoid, but it's probably in part a reaction to what's happened.

I would be disappointed if professionals weren't sharing information and making sure you all had the support you need. It's not about "checking up" on you.

Your HV is being really sensible and doing her job. Mine rang for a phone appointment because my then 2 year old had been in hospital overnight with a high fever. It’s their job to check up on the children they provide care to, nothing more.

Thanks all, you’ve made me feel a lot better. I guess in a way there is a sense of shame as I never ever thought my little family would ever come to the attention of children’s services. I don’t mean to sound like a snob or anything when I say that, I just never expected it. But I am also feeling a great sense of relief. Relief that the decision has been made and we are just weeks away from a fresh start now. I guess I was worried that as my eldest child’s school has probably been informed, when he moves schools the child protection file will be sent on to the new school and they might be suspicious of every little thing, like if he’s late one day or ever gets a bruise or cut or anything. You hear so many stories of schools ringing children’s services over little things that could have been caused by a million things. Maybe I’m reading too many horror stories, but it does make me wonder if everyone we come into contact with will be hyper vigilant now

It takes a fair bit to reach child protection level. Your case didn't even reach child in need or an assessment, so I honestly wouldn't worry about it. People are not going to be hyper vigilant and keeping a closer eye on you.
Chances of the new school, and the current school even being informed is unlikely.

@Anonymouseky I went through the same with my ex, August 2019 he lost his mind and threatened to kill me. The officer, his family etc put it down to stress and MH issues. Said it was because of the court case for access.

Sw was lovely. And very understanding. Not sure if they spoke to the school ( my boys are teens and weren't there) when she spoke to them she didn't feel there was any real issues.
Following Xmas I separated from him.
His MH became a reason for his behaviour getting worse and I had enough.
He stalked me for the next month until Jan when I called the police again.
I was so worried because The social worker had to come again. But again she was amazing and said she had a feeling that he didn't mean the things he said but she was very sure I put the dc first.
It's a year no contact the dc are very happy and healthy and I've not needed to she or deal with anything else.

So don't be worried, just be honest. Work out why he got like that, what will help to prevent it or separation x

If you knew how stretched social workers were you wouldn't believe the horror stories of schools ringng them over the slightest thing. Honestly, you'll be ok once you get some space to breathe and calm. It's all a shock and stress right now.

Thanks all, I’m looking forward to when we’ve moved out and can start rebuilding our lives. It’s this limbo at the moment and all the worries floating round in my head. I feel heartbroken that his school knows, but I understand why they share information like this

@Redflaggs that sounds like an awful experience but I’m very glad you got away and you and your children are thriving now. It must have been an incredibly difficult and stressful time

Hi, OP. The SW and any schools/nurseries will have been informed as part of safeguarding. They do a 'safe and well' check but that really only involves them being asked if they have ever had any concerns about X child. At this level, they won't be told what the nature of the initial concern was.

Schools/nurseries won't do anything other than respond to the request. They will record any 'concerns' for your children as they would do for any other child and would only contact social services if there are actual immediate or several ongoing concerns. But they would also have engaged you long before it got to that. Their first port of call would be talking to you about it if they had concerns - as with any family. Your HV will be checking you don't need any further help/support. Nothing more.

You have done the right thing.

I say this both as a teacher and as someone whose children had an initial assessment done because of the actions of another member of the family. It was 8 years ago now. I told them that there would be no further contact with the person involved and we haven't heard from anyone since.

It really is nothing to be worried about.

And I shared your feeling of 'shame' around people knowing. Esp as, prior to teaching, I had worked within child services and my (now ex) husband worked in adult services and we knew many of the SWs professionally - they had to restrict our children's files on the database so that only the SW who conducted the assessment and her TM would ever be able to see them - other wise they'd have shown up in search results for the name/road.

But seriously, it's nothing to worry about.

I know exactly how you feel, that sinking sick realisation of children’s services being involved in your lives when you believe it would never happen to you. But as OP have said, social workers are overloaded and it won’t be an issue once you get on with your lives.

My STBXH balled his fist, glared at me dead in my eyes with such hatred then pushed me to the ground in anger, completely unprovoked by me. He did it in front of my young teen. He went mental, breaking things and shouting, swearing, everything completely out of ‘character. My darling daughter was petrified, continually screaming and begging him not to kill me and to leave me alone. Writing this down brings tears to my eyes, she should never have been subjected to that. Once police took a statement, child services were notified. I felt sick. But it was indeed the right thing to do. I missed one phone call from them, I called them back the following day and their voicemail was full. I tried every day for a week (was petrified they would think I was avoiding them) then after a week, I gave up. That was 18 months ago and I haven’t heard a peep!

Time will be a great healer for you all 💐

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. It has really helped to read about people who have gone through something similar and come through the other side. I think I’ve been in a bit of shock that it’s all happened. I keep telling myself that in a few weeks time we will be somewhere new and it’s the fresh start me and the children need. It’s horrible when you’re in the middle of it, but hearing all of your stories gives me so much hope ❤️