Residency

[iamtheoneandonlyyy]

I will try and keep this brief.
Split with children's father in June and fled to a refuge. Domestic abuse but left before physical violence fully kicked in, Three kids under six.
Have returned to the area and have informal access arrangement with their dad.
He regularly lets them down or tries to.
He's gaslit me to the point of insanity but obviously hard to prove.
Today he said he had concerns about my mental state and that if he felt that way he would keep the kids.
This was while he had them for two hours. Upon hearing this I went to collect them as I was worried and he refused to hand them over. He was filming me on his doorstep,
He didn't try to keep them in the end (two hours is hard for him).
I just don't know what to do next.
There is a report filed with police from June and my family want me to call and have this added, the officer that came said to keep them informed.
I have looked at a residency order but it's very overwhelming.
I want to keep things civil for the kids as they love him and as calm as possible but I feel if I pursue things more it will cause the problem to escalate.
Some of my family say I'm doing nothing but fleeing with the kids and coming home to a bee life was huge for me.
I can't see what's the right thing to do

I’m not a lawyer, but my understanding is that whilst there’s no formal arrangement in place then he “could” hang on to the kids until a court intervened (by you applying for a CAO).

Is he likely to do that? Probably not, judging from what you’ve said - it’s about making you fearful.

I’m not sure whether the Police could do something for you here. He’s not breaking the law or a court ordered arrangement so what grounds would they intervene under?

He's highly unlikely to do it because he struggles with them but it's the one last way he's got to get at me. I don't doubt he will continue to threaten it.
The police officer that came in June said to remain in contact and anything reported helps to build a picture should things escalate over time.
I'll be truly honest, a lot of people are getting very much to the end of their patience with him and I'm trying to maintain peace because nobody should be in trouble over him.
So does it make sense to look at applying for legal residency?

A CAO would give you some certainty but would pin you down on the days you give him access. He could ask for 50:50 but he’d probably have to show he’s available to have the kids that often. It’s still more likely that he’d be given a weeknight and EOW. And of course his record with you will be taken into account (although perhaps not as much as you’d want it to).

Do the kids want to spend time with him? They’re too young for their wishes to be taken into account, but CAFCAS would interview them as part of the process.

He currently sees them twice a week and a sleepover once a fortnight. He regularly tries to cancel at the last minute.
I don't want to say too much but he doesn't have a standard address or ability to get them to school etc when it's open.

Now I'm more confused. I wish I'd never met him but then obviously I wouldn't have my kids so in a way I'm glad but the thought of all this for the next 18 years is so hard.
Lockdown not helping either I'm too tired to think straight

You could get a McKenzie friend to help you with the application process for a C100 Child Arrangements Order. They aren’t lawyers but can support a litigant in person while going through the process. I highly recommend that route. A fraction of the price of a lawyer. Do your research online and ask for recommendations for a good one.

I had to google mckenzie friend, that's interesting thank you.
I've been thinking all night and I know if I speak to him a certain way it will calm him down and diffuse the situation but I spent years doing that and why should I have to now.
I'm going to call my children's school, they are fully aware of the situation and their family support worker might have some advice.
I don't want to fan the flames and have the children affected if I go back to the police etc, I need to get this right for them.

School will tell you that as he has parental responsibility they are obliged to hand the kids over. I wish you the best of luck. Seek support and fight for the kids’ sake. Go to the legal section and post there for more practical help hun.

They're not currently at school anyway and he wouldn't try to pick them up. Too much effort.
I've spoke to them, they were really helpful and understanding.
Softly softly approach in an aim to keep the peace