*trigger warning* abuse

[how2getoverit]

Child sex abuse - pls don't read if it could be triggering

Name changed for obvious reasons....I've been anxious about posting but am taking the plunge.

I was diagnosed with depression over a year ago and have been seeing a therapist since then. Am feeling a bit better but still not better and wondering if you ever get over child sexual abuse?

I was abused by my father for about 3 years (when I was under 10) and am finding it hard to deal with and process. Every time I think back I find it upsetting. I've been having EMDR but I'm trying to understand whether I will ever come to terms with it?

Do you ever get over childhood trauma and if so how? I'm hoping someone can give me hope that I will be able to deal with it better in the future.

Thanks for reading.

Hi there how2, I am sorry to hear of your experiences.

I wanted to respond to let you know that I was in a similar position to you around five years ago.

I initially sought therapy for depression but delving into the past brought back a lot of long pushed away trauma in relation to being sexually abused by a family member.

This time four years ago I was experiencing fairly severe cptsd and the main thing that helped for me was therapy, I went twice a week at my lowest points and did a lot of writing about everything.

It was unbearable at first, but I also found the strength to challenge my family about the abuse and neglect I experienced. I am no longer in touch with them and have spent the last few years rebuilding my life.

I will not deny that it was very, very hard at times. The first year after leaving therapy and going it alone was very difficult.

However, over the last 12 months things have really improved for me (ironically 2020 was a good year for me!)

I finally feel mentally recovered. I accept that there will always be parts of my experience that will leave a mark on me, for e.g I still struggle with executive functioning at times which I link with developmental trauma. However, I am kind to myself and treat those issues as though they were a condition like adhd or dyslexia - they are a part of me that I have strategies to manage.

I also had a complete career change and went back to Uni. Now I work with troubled children and that has been the most rewarding part of the whole experience. There is a concept called post traumatic growth and I definitely see my life experiences through that lens.

There was a time I used to dwell an awful lot on who I would have been without the abuse. Now I focus on who I am now.

That horrible, shameful feeling of being the odd one out has gone. Perhaps partly because of my job but I think mostly because I have processed all of what happens need to me and now I know I am just me, I am not what happened to me.

CSE is devastating, CSE from the people who are supposed to love and protect us is harder still.

I have every faith that you can recover, however, and it sounds as though you have already located good support to do this.

Thank you SO much for your long reply youcanleave - I really appreciate it. It's reassuring to hear you're feeling better.

I'm not clear in my mind what I need to do to process things on a practical level and I think there's lots of repressed feelings which I can't seem to reach....

I can't reconcile what he did with how he was at other times - caring and loving and like a father should be. He's said sorry and wishes he hadn't done it but I'm left trying to deal with it all....I keep asking why would you do that to your own child? What makes it worse is that he was abused for the whole of his childhood so should know what it feels like.

I feel ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated. I feel like it was my fault at some level even though practically I know it wasn't.

Hopefully things will slowly improve over time.

I honestly wanted to say how amazing it is that you are looking to get help and deal with what happened to you... it’s truly horrific and I am so sorry you were subjected to that. The only advise I wanted to give you was checking with your employer for some sort of assistance program that you should be able to use free of charge. Counselling is usually included in some form, which you may wish to explore?

I’m sorry it isn’t much more helpful by way of personal experience but I wish you a happy future and hope you find a way of putting this all behind you.

Thx Amirite for your lovely message. I am lucky I have a supportive boss etc and they're giving me time off for therapy every week.

I just want to get better quickly and I know it will take time but I don't know what is going to help me get better. When you break a bone etc you have a rough idea about healing etc but with mental health it's different and you don't even know if you'll ever get better....fingers crossed