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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guilt of leaving

13 replies

ScaryMary85 · 04/02/2021 12:07

I’m asking for some practical advice for a friend.

He is not happy in his marriage and spent time trying to fix things but he is still not happy and decided that he wanted to leave.

He has tried to leave on multiple occasions however, his wife (and son 19yo) make him feel so guilty for wanting to leave that he becomes physically unwell.

He arranged himself a flat to move into in the hope that it would make it easier to be able to physically get out. Every time he tries to leave his wife makes him talk/argue about it and this can go on for 8 or more hours at a time until he is so worn down by it that he just gives up and agrees to stay.

From what he has said I believe her behaviour is verging on emotional abuse, if it were a female friend telling me the same thing that is what I would say.

I don’t know how to advise him does anyone have any suggestions that might help?

Im quite concerned for his mental health as it’s clear that it is causing him a lot of distress.

OP posts:
EpochTime · 04/02/2021 12:46

Could you ask him why he chooses to engage in discussions with his wife for long periods of time when he has apparently made up his mind to leave?

Cpl654321 · 04/02/2021 13:16

Can he ask his wife to go to couples counselling - not to stay together but to work out a way to part amicably.

Clearly these long convos are going nowhere and if he's made up his mind then they are pointless.

Eckhart · 04/02/2021 14:06

I don't think you can advise him, and I don't think it's practical advice you're asking for.

He's not in control of his own emotions, and he needs to accept that, and find a way of getting a handle on it. Counselling is one way. There's plenty of options fro support online if he googles 'emotional abuse'. He needs to understand that conversing with her isn't helping, and how to terminate conversations.

soonm · 04/02/2021 14:22

Try to alleviate his mental distress in some way. Offer to go for a walk with him?

Original poster
ScaryMary85 · 04/02/2021 14:24

He says it’s because as soon as it starts he feels like he’s doing a bad thing so then begins to panic and engages in the conversations. He then feels he doesn’t want to hurt anyone and so he’d rather just hurt himself and stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaryMary85 · 04/02/2021 14:27

I did this the last time he was distressed and he calmed down and felt better for it but then goes back and the cycle continues.

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 04/02/2021 14:41

I think he needs to invest in some therapy for himself OP. It sounds like he needs a professional to sort him out a bit.

Eckhart · 04/02/2021 14:44

Yes, that sounds like she's playing on his insecurities to keep him engaged. AKA emotional abuse. Counselling will help in the long run but it will take too long. He needs help now, as an abuse victim.

Does he want a solution? Does he want change? Does he want to be away from her?

If so, get him to read about self validation, and get him to read about emotional abuse. He can google 'emotional abuse men' and get any number of helplines he can call. He needs to be proactive though. There's no point telling him unless he really wants to listen.

Protect yourself too, OP. His partner is draining him, and he will drain you, if this keeps up.

Original poster
ScaryMary85 · 04/02/2021 14:45

Yes I think that might be the case, I will suggest that to him I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaryMary85 · 04/02/2021 18:09

@Eckhart

Yes, that sounds like she's playing on his insecurities to keep him engaged. AKA emotional abuse. Counselling will help in the long run but it will take too long. He needs help now, as an abuse victim.

Does he want a solution? Does he want change? Does he want to be away from her?

If so, get him to read about self validation, and get him to read about emotional abuse. He can google 'emotional abuse men' and get any number of helplines he can call. He needs to be proactive though. There's no point telling him unless he really wants to listen.

Protect yourself too, OP. His partner is draining him, and he will drain you, if this keeps up.

I have said this to him but he doesn’t see it, I think maybe partly as a man doesn’t want to think of himself as an abuse victim.

I’ve suggested counselling but as you say that’s more like term.

Thank you I will, I do think it might become quite draining.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaryMary85 · 04/02/2021 18:11

He has said that he finds it hard rule breaking and hurting other people which I found odd, like he views leaving his marriage as rule breaking which I’ve tried to explain that it isn’t.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 04/02/2021 19:26

Whose rules does he think he's meant to be obeying? Unless he's planning to break the law, he makes his own rules about what's acceptable and what's not, like the rest of us do.

Does he know that? I didn't, until I had counselling. It was a major turning point for me, and scary, and massively liberating. Might be worth mentioning.

Original poster
ScaryMary85 · 04/02/2021 19:41

I don’t know, I didn’t explain it quite how you have but I did try and get him to see that way of that he’s not breaking rules by leaving

I really do think that counselling might be the best option for him.

OP posts:
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