Difficult friendship - any ideas why?

[Pittapatta]

I have a friend who I have known a long time. I've felt dissatisfied with the relationship for awhile now. She will ask how I am but it just feels like a question so that they can start talking. They often say how hard they are finding life but show little sympathy for any difficulties I face. And in the past have been pretty rude in an inflexible way but will say that's their opinion. Such as 'you like dull coloured clothes' or if I was to ask if something looked nice would say 'its not my taste'. These are tiny examples as I don't want to say too much but the person is just very 'honest' but inflexible too and completely lacking awareness. Does anyone have ideas of why someone is like this? I looked into adult autism but it didn't really fit. They do have a very close relationship with their DH and family. Just rude to me! I've tried to distance myself but they keep on contacting me. I'm not sure why really as they don't open up or get close. I think they just want to talk about their own life really.

Some people are not very self aware but I'm not sure sure it matters why they are this way. If you feel they are rude to you and only interested in talking about themselves then they are not a friend and you don't need to continue the relationship.

I have thought this but I don't know how to end the relationship. We know people in common and I may bump into them as we live in the same area. So I couldn't do anything rude

And I don't want to be rude and don't want to be put in the position of being unkind

They do, on the surface appear to be interested but it feels quite shallow. I just don't after all these years feel like they really truly care for me. Just a mirror to them really. I find it hard to explain.

You can just stop replying to messages. I don't like the term or notion or ghosting but you can take your time to reply to messages, say you're busy if they seem to want a chat or to meet up and they would get the message... Just cause you might see them doesn't mean you have to carry on being friends.

They are rude to you, remember, so it's natural that you might not be feel like talking to them.

You just back off and stop contacting them. Then take a while to contact them. But be polite in person. Eventually they will get the idea you're not interested in a friendship. That's not rude. That's protecting yourself

Don't diagnose someone with autism just because you don't like them.

Stop spending time with someone who makes you feel unpleasant, and stop worrying so much about making them feel unpleasant. You're not the centre of their universe. If you start being 'too busy', they'll cope. Or you could be honest, and when they say something you don't like, tell them.

It depends how much of a grown up you want to be about it. The reason the friendship is difficult is because you're not compatible with each other, and you're not making your boundaries clear.

I do want to be mature about it. We have been friends a long time so I don't want to be dismissive and just block them.

You may want to be "mature" about it but the other person is not and will not act so towards you. She does not deserve any of your consideration because she has never given you any. You are still giving her an audience and are seen too as a ready source of narcissistic supply.

Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.
Being "kind" and "mature" in the face of such people just makes them think you are weak, these types really do associate kindness with weakness. Make yourself far less available to this person going forward and do not feel guilty about doing so.

It's nothing to do with being mature as long as you're not planning to send a dramatic message telling her to f** off. I think you are overthinking this. If you don't feel like responding to messages and calls then dont. Send really brief responses if you want to send something. Say hello when you see them in person. It's what everyone does.

The mature way is to back off and be pleasant when you see her. We're not saying block. Just grey rock her.

Or as she's so blunt herself, just tell her that you find she doesn't seem to care about you in a calm discussion. I assume that can't happen though because she will get defensive.

That, or just suck it up really. There's no magic solution.

Just don't reply or pick up the phone. She will get the message in the end.

Just don't ever respond in a way that makes you feel irritated or that you've been taken advantage of.

So. If she contacts you then by two sentences in, she's talking about herself, simply stop replying. If she queries that, just reply 'Sorry, you were just going over old ground there though weren't you? I thought you wanted to know how I was doing.'

Blunt? Yes! Or - as she would say - honest!!!

'You do dress in dull colours'
'Wow that's rude! Lol, now don't you be surprised if you don't hear from me for a few weeks, I'll need some time to get over that one! Lol only joking' - ie, if she's rude, needle her back. But, 'joking' - make it hard for her to complain about it. Slap her down with a smile. She won't like it so she'll either back off or be more polite.

Also, the golden reply 'What? I'm only being honest - I thought you would appreciate that, you speak like this all the time?'

Often I see posts on here where the approach to friendship is quite black and white: friends or end friendship. Actually, as you have friends in common, this person is probably always going to be an acquaintance. So what you should probably do is accept that she is who she is, no amount of theorizing about why will change that, and then manoeuvre your interactions into something you are happier with. That might mean being busy when she calls, or only being able to go for a 10 minute walk round the park occasionally,etc. If she is self absorbed and looking for someone to talk at, then if you are less available, she will likely find someone else to fill the gap. Also, as she seems to have no problems being honest with you, then you shouldn't waste time worrying about being nice to her and not hurting her feelings.

@Pittapatta

I do want to be mature about it. We have been friends a long time so I don't want to be dismissive and just block them.

Why would you do that? What do you think people used to do, before 'blocking' someone was an option?

Tell her how you feel, or back away. Why are you looking into what mental/developmental disorders might 'fit'? Do you think that's what mature people do when someone behaves in a way they don't like?

Eckhart I've just wanted to try to understand what's going on since we do have a long friendship. I'm not trying to pathologies anyone. I thought it might help if I could understand the reasons behind the actions instead of threating the behaviour at face value.

And like I said I said I do not want to block them but ghosting is recommended on here quite a bit and I'm not comfortable with that as I don't want to be so cold

Sorry *pathologies / treating

Ahhh *pathologise

Backing away isn't the same as ghosting. It's just limiting the time you spend together/communicating.

You just have to respond to your feelings. If you were doing that in the first place, your boundaries wouldn't keep getting crossed because you'd have been saying from the off 'Oi! That's really rude!'

I think some people haven’t been their best selves this past year. I’d be polite but distant and see if you get on better when this weird Covid time has passed. You might just not have enough there to be friends.