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Original poster

Saying no to visiting?

12 replies

Theowawaynow · 03/02/2021 23:05

I’ll say upfront I’ve never blocked DCs dad before.

He’s adores them but doesn’t prioritise them or offer to be consistent. Sees them in holidays, maybe the odd day here and there for a few hours if he feels like it. Can go 4-7 weeks.

I’ve been sinking trying to work full time with them at home. Just “bubbled” with family who will teach them for me 2 days a week which is an utter god send for my mental health, their mental health and gives me 2 days to try and not sink at work (I work FT) and clean! But they are old and vulnerable and I have had to isolate to do it.

He’s just told one of the kids he’s going to be coming for a couple of hours next week. That means while he hasn’t arsed having them at all since October, or helped me cope at all. I get 2 weeks isolation with no help again, sink at work and at home, for the sake of him being in my house for a few hours.

I’m thinking of blocking him seeing them unless he’s actually going to help me have a break/care for them/ keep my job. I should note he has never paid for them so my job is the only thing holding this family afloat.

Argh hate the idea of stopping him, and it’ll be me being the “bad guy” as he told them before “asking” me.

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 03/02/2021 23:17

Why doesn't he pay for them? What sort of skanky "man" doesn't support his own children?

How old are the kids? Why is he telling them and not you? I'm assuming they're quite young if you need childcare to work.

Who really cares if he goes around bleating that you are the "bad guy" - he's hardly a "good guy " if he doesn't support his kids or see them regularly. Tell the skank that he can't come, and stick to your guns.

Original poster

Theowawaynow · 03/02/2021 23:36

Hasn’t for years, left me with debt.

I’ll be the bad guy to the kids, don’t care about what anyone else thinks it’s them who will hate me even more than they currently do for being the one who doesn’t give them enough attention as I work, makes them attempt to learn, you know, is a parent!

They are all under 10, I have 3.

OP posts:

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 03/02/2021 23:40

"Ahh, daddy made a mistake, he's not allowed to visit during the pandemic" Then tell him to do one.

funnylittlefloozie · 03/02/2021 23:41

3 under 10? You are bloody Superwoman!!

I think sometimes you just have to accept that the kids are going to "hate" you (they don't really). As if you don't have enough stress already.

Stay strong.

Sendhelpplease · 03/02/2021 23:44

Just tell him how it is! Basically he hasn’t seen them since October, doesn’t help you in this time with his own children, it will mess up your childcare bubble for two weeks because he has decided to stop by. Get him told he’ll either see them and take his share to help every week - does he not understand what is going on???!

Sendhelpplease · 03/02/2021 23:45

If he won’t help then no he can’t come over and he will have to wait!

Original poster

Theowawaynow · 03/02/2021 23:59

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe god that’s a good line!!

Right fuck it I’ve never stopped him I’m just going to be strong and say no! We’ve already fallen out once a few weeks ago as he sent something to the house for ONE child which spun them all out when I had a bloody huge meeting I was chairing and his response was “how am I supposed to know you are finding it difficult if you don’t tell me?” I mean really? Not to think I could possibly be struggling a bit?

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 04/02/2021 00:04

I'm not in the UK so not sure what rules you have there, can he take them for a walk outside? There's no way I'd lose my support bubble for 2 weeks just for his random out of the blue visit.

glitterfarts · 04/02/2021 06:03

Why have school not offered them a place under vulnerable child category? Have you asked? Speak to the FSA at school and let them know you're not coping.

I'd tell their father that he can't pop in for a few hours and if he wants to see them, he takes them for a week or nothing until end of lockdown.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 04/02/2021 06:22

Why have school not offered them a place under vulnerable child category?

Unfortunately, whilst undoubtedly op is struggling at the moment, the definition of vulnerable for a school place at the moment is incredibly stringent. You have no idea of the (frankly) awful conditions/situations some kids live in that don't even register on ss radar. Op has the support of her parents, and now the dad despite his very obvious shortcomings is also wiling to see the kids

OP children are allowed to see their other parent during lockdown, it's in black and white.

As is the legal obligation for him to financially support his kids. Get a cms claim in today.

It's shit, it really is.

Sendhelpplease · 04/02/2021 08:11

He is allowed to see them but op doesn’t have to agree if it’s going to cost her her childcare arrangements when she is already struggling. He should be helping her, they are his children too, not just stopping by every few months when he can be bothered to.

junebirthdaygirl · 04/02/2021 08:52

As you have no idea where he has been you have to stop him for your own health and for your parents. Its unfortunate but unless he is a complete ass he should accept that. Could you offer him a Zoom call Sat afternoon that you will set up with the children? And maybe an ongoing one each Saturday. See if he will be prepared to be that organised and commit to that.

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