Another break up - how to be positive about future?

[frustratedturtle]

I'm mid 30s going through yet another break up. Becoming so jaded and cynical. Are there any good, normal, decent men left? Should I bother dating again in near future? Can't handle another dud...

Positivity please, feeling very down

Hi OP, I'm 5 weeks on from a break up, those first 3 weeks were the worst I have ever felt, it all seems so much worse in lockdown.nim older than you, mid 40s and I'm hopeful there are nice men out there , when lockdown lifts there should be lots of opportunities. This first bit is awful, I chatted on here lots and got loads of friendly support xx look after yourself xx

I’m in a similar situation, never had what I’d call a healthy, pleasant, mutually respectful and fulfilling relationship. This is partly due to my MH issues and problems maintaining boundaries, but a lot to do with men’s shitty behaviour. I don’t have the answer but I am happily single now and find my life far less stressful without dating in it. I’ve reached a place where I’m envisaging what my life could look like if I stay single (lots of dogs, spending time on my hobby, travel when allowed, maybe running a social group for other cool and arty single OAP women when I retire), and thinking yeah, that sounds pretty nice. I used to think my worth was defined by what romantic partners felt for me but breaking free of that mindset is key - because it just isn’t true. Therapy helped a lot.

Remember that you are amazing. Don't date until you are so confident in that that it won't destroy you if you have to go through another break up.

Nobody can guarantee that the next man you meet will be a man who will make you happy. But YOU can guarantee that you will develop enough self respect that if you have another break up, you'll be just fine. And, in fact, you'll be just fine with pretty much any crap life throws at you.

You don't need a partner. You need YOU.

Wow thanks for the supportive comments ladies - you sure know how to lift a woman down in the dumps! I’m not even sad about this guy, I’m glad he’s gone. I’m just glumly looking ahead to the future to more years of dating awful men. I just don’t think there are any left particularly at my age. I know I’ll be fine on my own, always have been, but I would like to find someone special on my wavelength. Why does it seem rarer than a bloody unicorn. Sigh.

• I just don’t think there are any particularly good men left at my age.

Because it is as rare as a unicorn! Don't forget that lots of people in relationships would love to be single/feel trapped/fight all the time/don't get their needs respected etc.

Good people show up at all ages. Wives have affairs, want divorces, are really annoying in one of the ways above, and people become single. You seem to think mid thirties is old. Someone will show up. Even people who are in committed relationships meet people and have affairs - it's really not unusual for people to start new relationships throughout life.

And dating awful people isn't too bad, you just have to be quick to get rid of them so that you don't waste your time trying to make something bad work when you could be actively looking for something good.

Hi @frustratedturtle I went through (yet another) break up in my late 30s. I felt utterly jaded and sick and tired of being knocked down and having to start over. I wasn’t looking for it but I’m now with an absolutely beautiful man who I absolutely adore. Please don’t lose hope xx

Eckhart no sorry 30s isn’t old, I guess I mean it’s easier in your 20s, and I can feel my biological clock ticking. Some people are already on their second marriages by my age. I can’t even find a single decent bloke to marry!

Aw thank you NotaCoolMum I’m so happy you met someone special. I have to get over my initial break up hump, and restrictions need to lift so there’s more chance of meeting someone...until I can start to feel hopeful again but I’ll get there eventually.

They're not on second marriages because they're good finding the man of their dreams, are they. Think about it! I wouldn't envy them.

i'm almost 50 and i just went thru a break up too. i've been thru this about 4 or 5 times but it still hurts. even knowing he wasn't "the one" he was still my friend and i will miss him.

i'm feeling down as i've been dating for 30 years and either i find someone that meshes well and they cheat or i find ones that really like me and i just feel "meh" about like my ex. i have visible health issues and at my age i'm sure no one wants me so i think once i'm done mourning this breakup i'm just going to start working on being happy single forever. i'm tired of trying and making myself vulnerable just to be disappointed.

this was not positive at all - sorry! i can say i DO wish i was your age again, you have SO much time! i wish i hadn't spent so much time with my ex, i knew he wasn't right for me a long time ago but i hung in there for years when i should've kicked him to the curb a year or two after we started dating. oh well!

I am here with you OP. Of a similar age and a few weeks on from a break up. I will tell you what everyone is telling me (and I find it a lot easier to say it to others and believe it):

There is someone out there for you. With all the billions of people in the world, how could there not be? It is not easy to find the right kind of person. We have to persevere and keep being open to finding them. The time will pass anyway, we may as well spend it being hopeful.

I send you a hug and solidarity. I don’t know if you are anything like me, but I am so used to the idea that working harder at something delivers better results (e.g. at work) and I struggle with how that doesn’t really apply to finding the right person - so much seems down to luck and circumstance. It’s tricky.

Sometimes the relationship board on this site is full of stories of women who ended up with the wrong person and have spent many years of their life in misery. Many women now are choosing to remain single. You are not obligated to have a partner although society can make you feel that way sometimes! However once restrictions are lifted, plenty of people will have gone through breakups and many people will be ready to date again, so the opportunities to meet someone good will be coming.