Boyfriend pulling away, what to do?

[HotCrossFun1]

My boyfriend of 18 months started pulling away a few weeks ago. We are both 40s and divorced with shared custody of our separate kids, we dont live together.

We had a great Christmas, but since then he had proposed redundancy news from work, which has left him very stressed. We used to see each other every weekend, but this will be the second weekend I won't see him because he says he's not up to company, can't sleep and feels sick all the time. He has said he is really stressed, has seen a doctor and got antidepressants. He may get signed off work.

I know his stress is genuine, I dont want to add to it! I have been kind and understanding to him, obviously redundancy would hit him hard financially too, I can see his difficulties.

He has said that he finds me a comfort and loves me, but at the same time he is pushing me away and choosing not to see me. I dont mind giving him space, but the relationship won't exist if we never see each other.

Do I just continue to give him space? I'm finding it hard to help him when he seem to want it. We also live 45 mins from each other, so can't pop round for half an hour to chat.

Give him space and wait for the antidepressants to kick in. It may take a couple of months.

It is a really good sign that he's been to the GP and got antidepressants, it means he is actively addressing this issue. Give him the space and time to do so. Reach out once a day in a low-stakes way with minimal requirement to respond and just wait it out for a few weeks.

If I was you, I would now just give him the space he seems to want. Put no pressure on him and let him figure his life out. He probably feels like he's losing control of his life, his self worth. He'll respect you loads if you give him his space

Also - unless he asks you for help/advice, don't say anything. I would simply say "I know that you will figure it out"

One and a half weeks, approaching two weeks, is hardly "never" seeing each other.

The hard thing about supporting people through stress/depression is that there's no one-size-fits-all rule as to what they want... some people go into themselves and want to be alone, some need company... some want their mind taken off the source of their stress by talking about normal/light things, some want to dissect the problem from every angle. And they're often in a fog where they can't really articulate what they want from you. And if you don't live with them it's even harder to gauge what they want or need. So you have all my sympathy OP!

I supported my DP through a potential redundancy recently and it was difficult for all those reasons - I didn't know whether to go over worst-case scenarios in a sensible planning way or to jolly him along and tell him the worst wouldn't happen, and kind of awkwardly did both at various times. (The best-case scenario happened thankfully.)

What helped was my own realisation that it wasn't about me, and I couldn't fix the problem - it was a specific situation that was going to pan out one way or another without my input. I just had to be there in, ultimately, quite a vague but heartfelt way. I made sure he talked to colleagues and friends in his industry who could give more concrete advice; popped my head in to casually ask how he was every so often, but not too often; found a few TV shows we could binge; but also kept up more light-hearted, silly stuff that made him laugh.

In your position I'd shoot him a message saying you're there if he wants to talk, reassure him that you think he's great and it'll work out well. But the next time you message maybe send a joke or a meme or cute animal picture he might like.

Good luck - he's going through some real shit but it's definitely hard in your position too. Make sure you have your own support network you can lean on!

Just support him and respect his request for space

He obv is feeling crap abs trying to work out wtf to do

Pull back yourself. Not in a retaliatory way, but if he needs space, give it to him. You have a life of your own, don't you? Hammer your hobbies for a bit, get engrossed in something that's not your relationship.

Let him come to you when he's ready.

If he still hasn't started pulling back towards you by June or something, tell him you're reconsidering the relationship.

There isn't really a problem here, except that his life has encountered a disruption, and rather than thinking 'I need to be supportive and accommodating to his needs for a bit, here', you've gone straight into 'OMG WE'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE EACH OTHER!!'

Relax. Be. Let him be. The way to get through his life being shaken up, as a couple, isn't to panic after a fortnight that he's not meeting your needs.

Thanks for the reassuring comments. I definitely haven't pressured him and have been kind and understanding that he hasn't felt up to seeing me for two weeks.

I'll keep up the relaxed once a day or so message, with no pressure, I've already told him I'm here to chat if he needs me.

Its hard knowing he's suffering and there's not a lot I can do to help.

Quite probably, being a calm, quiet presence is being a great help. Stability is really important when your world gets shaken up. Offer him that for a while. It's not 'doing nothing to help', it's doing exactly what he needs.

As others have said, give him space and leave him alone! Men (and some women) need their caves and alone time. He knows you’re there for him

Definitely.
Being a calm, warm, presence is going to make him want you, and want to be near you.