Going back after separation

[ThirdTimeIucky]

Long story short. We have been together 14 years, since we were 17. One little girl. Separated in June. Barely spoke to each other for months, he had a fling with a colleague, I've casually chatted to some guys.

For all intents and purposes it was over. House went on the market, and sold very quickly. 50 50 split on childcare for our daughter.

He ended his new relationship in November and contacted me, basically saying how incredibly sorry he was for everything. How he realised how much he loved me, how he was going to make changes because he wanted to be a better person.

We have had a huge amount of time to reflect on damaging and unhelpful behaviours that we have carried from our teen years, into our adult relationship.

We both struggled with early parenthood. Chronic lack of money, work worries and lack of sleep. We lost each other for a long time.

We completed on our house last week. My husband has been round most evenings, helping sort the house out, and was instrumental in our move. I couldn't have done it without him.

We have had more time together recently, and time to talk, and are considering dating, and seeing where things go.

I have had counselling for some of my own issues I've identified. He is seeking help for depression, and is having counselling as well. I'm not unaware of the difficulties ahead. And perhaps its a completely stupid idea. But I do worry I will regret not giving it a final go.

Is this a fools errand. Am I just living in the past. Can we make meaningful change, or will it just go back to how things were?

Any experiences would be helpful.

Can you trust him after the fling?

But I do worry I will regret not giving it a final go.

And that is the way to make poor decisions. It's just the denial/bargaining part of grief meeting the brain's loss-averse primitive instincts.

The past belongs in the past.

Just because he was helpful when you moved doesn't mean you owe him a relationship or that anything fundamental had changed.

Having seen a couple of friends do this with varying results, I would say if you've both had/are having counselling, AND you keep it very low pressure for a good long time, it could work. BUT if you just go straight back to where you were there might (or might not!) be a honeymoon period before things settle right back into the patterns that caused you to split in the first place. Also, giving it a go without any pressure might make one or both of you realise that it was just nostalgia/loneliness/whatever and there isn't really anything there any more after all.

@OldEvilOwl. Hmm well I suppose we had decided it was over, so in theory he did nothing wrong. It does feel weird, but also I'm certain that is over.

My husband and I split (my instigation) for two years and then got back together. We have been back together for about 3 years and it is a very different relationship now, partly because I have the confidence to know I can survive without him - and he knows that too. I had some excellent counselling that taught me how to value myself, and he treats me with much more respect too. As previous posters say, you need to know what would be different and how. If everything is just the same, then the same problems will exist. If you both want to be together and are willing to address the problems and change your behaviours, then it could be better than ever.

You couldn't have done it without him- you shouldn't have had to, it was his house too! Him being sensible around the sale and emptying of the house is a minimum requirement.

Just wait. It's far too early to be changing decisions you've made.

@picklemewalnuts

You couldn't have done it without him- you shouldn't have had to, it was his house too! Him being sensible around the sale and emptying of the house is a minimum requirement.

Just wait. It's far too early to be changing decisions you've made.

Yes, it is setting the bar quite low.

Ok I see the point on helping with this house. But he has been over at my new househelping me with other bits and pieces too.

I think realistically neither of us have been, or are perfect for that matter. However I believe we still have feelings for each other.

That's really easy stuff. As easy as promising the earth. (And is he "helping" it is he meeting what should have been his responsibility anyway).

How bad was the relationship that such basic things seem so incredible to you?

Nobody is perfect, that's not the point. Still having an attachment for someone who was your first adult relationship and with whom you share a child doesn't mean it's right to try and resurrect the relationship.

People don't separate and become emotionless.

You are two people who both acknowledge that you have work to do on yourselves. Set a period of time to focus on just that, for both of you. Changes of this sort don't happen overnight, and although recognising that you have problems and committing to a course of action to resolve them is good, it doesn't mean the problems are solved. You're like people who have just bought gym memberships: it doesn't mean you are body building marathon running swim sprinters yet!

Give yourselves a year to commit to working through your own individual issues, and promise not to start any kind of relationship with each other until then. You'll be able to work out, by doing this, if you're having trouble letting go of the past, or whether you have real hope for the future. I would imagine, though, that after a few months of focus on self development, you'll be less and less interested in going back to a relationship that failed.

Op don't rush bak into things again yet Is my advice.

My dh and I had a trial seperation a good few years ago now.

I started to gain my independence and confidence as a single person again. Not in a relationship kind of way but as in a I could manage house kids work finances paperwork etc etc alone and after the initial fall out it settled down.

We had a family holiday booked and decided we would all go as the time together would do us good away from the norm.
We had a great time and when we got bak we decided to try again and dh moved back in.

Things were better than great for the first year or so and then it was mediocre again and then gradually I realised I'm unhappy and so we are currently co habiting as neither of us can afford to move but we are no longer together.

It was difficult as I love him for being the father of my children and he's all I've know. For many years however I don't love him enough to spend the rest of my life with him.

We get on well and work well together with the dc and house in general but it's not enough for me and I feel like I've just ended up settling.

I'm already feeling like Im gaining bak who I am again and it feels almost relief when I'm making choices without compromise to a degree.

Looking back I do regret dh moving back in after our holiday.
Part of me thinks he panicked because he could see I was starting to get used to and cope with everything and I think it made him realise I can manage without him.

Don't get me wrong he's great with our dc and they are very close with him but that isn't a reason to stay together or rekindle your relationship.

Just really think about it. Noes the time for you to really decide if it's enough for you.