Am I ignoring something important? New relationship

WrenWilliams · 2021-02-03T11:08:47+00:00

I've been seeing someone new for 3 months. I hadn't been looking for a relationship and had been deliberately and happily single for a few years, but fancied dipping a toe and the whole things has taken me by surprise. He wasn't my 'type' but seemed normal (that seems rare?!) and we had common ground. I had zero expectations. But I enjoyed his company on date 1, and we met again and discovered despite different lives previously, we were pretty aligned on life in the here and now. Physically to me I saw a nice looking guy with a kind face but wasn't 'phwoar' or anyhting like that. To be honest i'm in my 40s now and 'phwoar' has got me into trouble in my past!! However there was clearly chemistry there. I figured it might be to do with my extreme drought! And remained open minded and kept in the present moment. But each time I asked myself 'do I want to see him again', it kept being a yes, so we hung out and it turned into something more. He's kind and uncomplicated and positive, close to his girls - and best of all emotionally healthy!! For me that is striking gold. It is these things that make me fancy him: who he is, rather than how he looks. We have fun in bed (despite the poor guy having issues staying hard since his ex wife cheated on him) and I'm always really turned on. The pheramones seem right if you know what I mean. For me the mental/emotional side of things has always been huge when it comes to sex, and it feels like sex as a result of our connection and closeness is far more important than animal lust. Maybe it's just that I've changed in my view of love and partnership now that I am a bit older and been through all kinds of sh1te. I find myself with a kind constant steady person that I can be myself with and who respects me for who I am with all my quirks. That feels like everything, but do I need wild fires and endless butterflies and uncontrolable bunny urges or someone all-consuming, for this to have distance? Should I be looking at him and thinking 'uggg, garrrah' or even just feeling gooey etc?! And that is my question to you - is this a chink that will come back at me later? Or just a different perspective to come from. I guess only I can answer the question really. But this is so new to me. I've had a life of emotional termoil, depression, childhood trauma, toxic relationships. So this calm that comes with someone steady feels good. Maybe it's just mature, healthy and not an issue at all. Maybe I will never be gooey. Thanks for listening.

Crystalvas · 03/02/2021 11:14

Stop overthing things and enjoy. Go with the flow. You never know where it might lead.

GreatExpectationalized · 03/02/2021 11:53

Only time with tell. There is no hack to these things, we learn as we go. Take time to enjoy the present.

MrsVogon · 03/02/2021 13:23

I find myself with a kind constant steady person that I can be myself with and who respects me for who I am with all my quirks. That feels like everything, but do I need wild fires and endless butterflies and uncontrolable bunny urges or someone all-consuming, for this to have distance? Should I be looking at him and thinking 'uggg, garrrah' or even just feeling gooey etc?!

No...I've been with someone who provoked all the wild fires etc and it ended up with me wasting nearly 10 years of my life with him to only fuck off with a younger model.

I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met my (now) DP. He is a very steady person, emotionally mature and wants the best for me. He's not 'phwoarr' either, and quite frankly that doesn't bother me. We connect in a lot of ways and see each other as equals. There is no drama and it is lovely.

Original poster

WrenWilliams · 03/02/2021 13:25

Thanks guys - scares the shit out of me!

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gannett · 03/02/2021 13:32

Oh this sounds really nice OP.

There was another thread this week from a poster who had met a man who was nice, stable, good looks, just right on paper, but she didn't feel any attraction at all - zilch. It wouldn't have worked in the long run.

This is a bit different because there is attraction and chemistry - just a different and more mature sort. But it's there! And seems healthier than the more dramatic kind where you lose your head a bit.

Whythesadface · 03/02/2021 13:36

The guy who lives you too much, wicked sex and massive emotional highs. They tend to not settle, as they like the falling in love bit.
Give me someone you really like outside of bed.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 03/02/2021 13:36

Enjoy it. My advice would be to go for the sensible option, but with attraction, and it sounds like this is within that definition. I've had a lot of hot sex over the years, with some unsuitable men. It was great at the time, but most would not have been sensible long-term partners. I've gone for something similar with the current Mr Sponge :) Raging fanny gallops do not necessarily make for long term harmony. Done that, got the t shirt. wonders if 'Raging fanny gallops do not necessarily make for long term harmony' would be catchy on a t.shirt

Marylou2 · 03/02/2021 13:52

He sounds great. I'm not sure my heart would skip a beat if Clooney or the guy from Bridgerton came into view. Give me calm, kind and competent rather than butterflies any day of the week.

Original poster

WrenWilliams · 03/02/2021 15:24

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

Enjoy it. My advice would be to go for the sensible option, but with attraction, and it sounds like this is within that definition. I've had a lot of hot sex over the years, with some unsuitable men. It was great at the time, but most would not have been sensible long-term partners. I've gone for something similar with the current Mr Sponge :) Raging fanny gallops do not necessarily make for long term harmony. Done that, got the t shirt. wonders if 'Raging fanny gallops do not necessarily make for long term harmony' would be catchy on a t.shirt

Haha! I've got that t-shirt too and would definitely buy your other idea for a laugh.

Yeah I hear ya there. I guess what has thrown me is I don't think I was looking for a long term partner - I just seem to have stumbled across a potential one. That must be very annoying for many to hear, but perhaps that's the trick!!

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Original poster

WrenWilliams · 03/02/2021 15:27

@MrsVogon

I find myself with a kind constant steady person that I can be myself with and who respects me for who I am with all my quirks. That feels like everything, but do I need wild fires and endless butterflies and uncontrolable bunny urges or someone all-consuming, for this to have distance? Should I be looking at him and thinking 'uggg, garrrah' or even just feeling gooey etc?!

No...I've been with someone who provoked all the wild fires etc and it ended up with me wasting nearly 10 years of my life with him to only fuck off with a younger model.

I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met my (now) DP. He is a very steady person, emotionally mature and wants the best for me. He's not 'phwoarr' either, and quite frankly that doesn't bother me. We connect in a lot of ways and see each other as equals. There is no drama and it is lovely.

It's reasurring to hear other stories of this. I don't think it bothers me either, just need to have more faith in my own intuition. Thanks :)

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snowey42 · 03/02/2021 15:31

If this would me I would feel like that until he dumped me. Then I would fall in love with him 🤣 but I'm messed up. enjoy it 🥳

Lovelydiscusfish · 03/02/2021 15:31

Attraction can increase too in my experience, when perhaps in the future you start to fall in love with him?

He sounds great - good luck!

Original poster

WrenWilliams · 03/02/2021 15:53

Thank you, you lovely lot. Who knows huh, fingers crossed for more of the same x

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Masterpieceontheshelf · 03/02/2021 17:51

I get instantly attracted to a guy if he can kiss/shag/hold me the way I like, even if I'm not attracted to them at first.
Of course there does have to be some chemistry/attraction between us to get that far in the first place!
But definitely attraction can grow

Eckhart · 03/02/2021 19:36

There are no rules. There is no need to have all the answers. You like it now, so do it now. If you don't like it next week, don't do it next week. Maybe he will do something and you'll go head over heels, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll be happy to stay with him either way, maybe you won't. Maybe he will do something that will put you off him.

I think the issue is that you're looking for strangers to tell you how important something is to you. Everybody is different; some people would be deliriously happy with what you have, and some would be as miserable as sin. A history of abuse will leave you looking for external validation, but you'll struggle to maintain a happy relationship whilst you need that. Our answers here are irrelevant because this needs to be about you respecting your feelings.

So, you're right: Only you can answer the question. Does the fact that you're concerning yourself with the question tell you anything? Is it your gut trying to make you aware of something?

MrsWindass · 03/02/2021 20:07

Your brain will have become addicted to the ups and downs of dramas in unsuitable relationships . It is sometimes hard to be in a " normal " relationship . When I first met my H I didn't understand why he didn't want to have sex every single time he saw me - my brain was distorted by the drama of a bad boy .

Original poster

WrenWilliams · 10/02/2021 10:44

@Eckhart

There are no rules. There is no need to have all the answers. You like it now, so do it now. If you don't like it next week, don't do it next week. Maybe he will do something and you'll go head over heels, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll be happy to stay with him either way, maybe you won't. Maybe he will do something that will put you off him.

I think the issue is that you're looking for strangers to tell you how important something is to you. Everybody is different; some people would be deliriously happy with what you have, and some would be as miserable as sin. A history of abuse will leave you looking for external validation, but you'll struggle to maintain a happy relationship whilst you need that. Our answers here are irrelevant because this needs to be about you respecting your feelings.

So, you're right: Only you can answer the question. Does the fact that you're concerning yourself with the question tell you anything? Is it your gut trying to make you aware of something?

Thank you - this is helpful to hear. And hilariously exactly the words I would say to someone else.

Until the part at the end where the questions you write pose up my fear - I guess it is that questioning that I want to switch off. As yet I haven't worked out what is intuition and what is fear. That is what I am trying to tune into and aimlessly reaching outward (where, like you say, the answer can only be inside). The questioning could be my old crap trying to sabbotage this as the idea of the hurt is so much worse than chancing love, or it could be my intuition telling me something isn't right. I'm back to the start!

This is very typical of someone with abuse in their past and I know that. I will just keep my eyes wide open and try to stay entirely present. A good skill for anyone in any setting :)

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Original poster

WrenWilliams · 10/02/2021 10:50

@MrsWindass

Your brain will have become addicted to the ups and downs of dramas in unsuitable relationships . It is sometimes hard to be in a " normal " relationship . When I first met my H I didn't understand why he didn't want to have sex every single time he saw me - my brain was distorted by the drama of a bad boy .

Yes, good point. I'm loving the fact that sex isn't the top of the list, but that (and other 'healthy' things) do rediculously trigger unwarented suspicion from me... 'why does he like me so much, im not all that' and so on. Classic low self esteem b0llocks created by being raised by untrustworthy people.

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