Deeply wounded and hurt...Help needed to get over an abusive relationship

[WannaVanish2021]

I thought time would help, but I now fear I might be stuck in this for good if I don't actively tackle this.

I had a 3.5-year intense relationship with my ex which ended really badly. I had to escape him and fly out to another country just with two suitcases due to extreme fear that he would find to harm me. I found out almost everything he said was a lie and he mirrored and reinvented himself to be the person I wished him to be. One day I had an epiphany and took the courage to confront him about my suspicion. He became physically abusive and we had the most terrifying argument ever. I realised I was in serious danger. Since then, things were never the same.

It has been a slightly over one month since I left him and I am still struggling with the betrayal and the trauma. At first I had nightmares, flashbacks and woke up many nights with a racing heart. Now my physical symptoms have eased up but I am feeling all time low. I simply don't have the motivation to get up and go. Luckily I am with my family and they told me to take as much time as I need but I really feel I have to do something about it. I had a good job before I met him but I quit and followed him to a foreign country. I mean we did have some amazing times. We travelled all over the world and he was so loving and caring. I still don't know how he was able to carry on for so long and how blinded I was to believe it was all him against the world whenever he got himself into all the crazy drama. He gaslighted me so often so much over time I was no longer sure about myself by then.

Anyway I should get a job at least to get back onto the 'normal' life but I am not confident any more and I am so worried that the last three years unemployment has damaged my career beyond repair. Every day I wish I didn't open my eyes. It is not a suicidal thought per se but it is I have lost every will to live and look forward, if it makes sense to you. Funny thing is I know now he was a pathological liar but I miss him and cry at nights over the lost love, rather defrauded love.

How can I get over this? I read a lot about trauma counselling online and am considering therapy sessions. Will they be helpful? As much as I want to be strong and brush this off under the carpet but I am afraid I may just be like this forever. I am already well over 40 and can't afford to waste any more time. I would be eternally grateful if any of you could suggest practical advice.

Thank you so much for reading.

You have had a massive shock, all that you took as reality as been shown to be a lie. Be kind to yourself and do little things that bring you joy. Counselling will definitely help, when you're ready. Fleeing for your life and having trust shattered means you may be hyper vigilant and can work on that with a therapist. Your mind needs to learn there is little to fear. I wish you well and you are employable, you have just had your confidence shattered.

I just noticed this had no responses yet. I hope someone better at this than me comes along soon. I just wanted to say how brave you are for getting out. Give yourself so much credit and respect for that strength. It's been such a short time since you left that of course you're still reeling. Talk to people who can really help you like the freedom programme, women's aid.

I would give yourself some time to process what has happened and don’t put too much pressure on yourself if you are not feeling great at the moment. It is early days.

Are you in the U.K.? Re the job situation, why don’t you sign up with some employment agencies as that can give you a way in if you have been out of work for some time. You could also get temporary or flexible work which might suit you at the moment and it is all experience. Working through an agency was the only way I could get back into work after five years out.

I hope you are safe now. Do not have any contact with him whatsoever.

It's only been a month. You're expecting a lot of yourself and catastrophising a bit here. This was a really traumatic period for you, and you need to give yourself time to process. You can't rush through otherwise you run the risk of storing problems for the future.

Therapy and counselling will help. You might benefit from doing the freedom programme as well. It's really important that you do work on your boundaries so that you don't fall into further abusive relationships, as it's really common to end up in a repeating pattern, because boundaries have been battered and it's like catnip to other abusers.

Consider speaking to your gp as well in case medication might be appropriate in the short term.

I'm glad you're out. Take it slowly, don't put yourself under pressure to "get over" it, allow yourself time.

Look up Richard Grannon & Kris Godinez on YouTube ....think I've spelled her name correctly.
They are both excellent.
You've done an amazing thing by getting out.
Be proud of what you've already done...& just take one step at a time.
You'll be amazing.