Left a relationship, share dc. What happens next?

[BoobyMyBoob]

I left my relationship 3 months ago. We share dc. No formal custody arrangements and because of lockdown and online learning, so far we have been taking turns to have the dc one week with me, one week with him. That's fine for now, but won't work once the schools are back open.

I'm temporarily staying with a friend while I get myself sorted. She lives about an hour's drive from our family home. We co-own the house, but he refused to leave which is why I am at my friends for now.

I'm going to be looking for somewhere for me and dc, but how does it work? How much freedom do I have in where I choose to live when we have to share the dc? I don't want to make it difficult for him to see them, or to ruin their relationship, but equally I don't want to live 5 minutes away from him for the rest of my life. Do I have to? Or could I go to the other end of the country if I wanted to? I don't want to, I just want to know if I can. Are there rules?

I'm scared as well that if I live that close to him, I'd have to be single forever. He'd flip if I met someone new and he found out. And because of the dc, there'd be no way of keeping it from him.

I've spent 10 years with him making all the decisions, telling me where I can go and who I can see - or more often, where I can't go and who I can't see. When I first left I felt like a weight had been lifted, but now I'm feeling confused and overwhelmed. I don't understand whether I'm truly "free" or if I'll be trapped and having to abide by his wishes at least until the dc reach adulthood?

Hello,

Were you married? Name on the mortgage? First thing I'd advice is get legal advice - you should get a free 30mins.

Next, council/housing associations and get your name on the lists. Or private rent if you can afford it.

Re contact it's what works for all of you. My ex has the children 5 days out of 14 as I work less and have been the primary parent. It's great if you can do 50/50 but be mindful that you won't get maintenance and any child benefits need to be shared. I only mention this in case you have been/are working part time to look after your child.

Not married and my name is on the mortgage which I think rules me out of council/HA but I'm not sure. I'm not working but am looking for a job at the moment. I'm being helped financially by a family member at the moment. I got support from a woman's refuge when I first left, and they did say I could get legal aid through them somehow but I never heard more about it. I will look into that side of things more, thank you. Sorry I know I'm so useless and I'm very aware of it. He really did do everything apart from housework/childcare, and I'm working my way around learning how to do basic adult stuff.

You shouldn’t have left the house, most likely you’ll end up with the kids most of the time and they will not have a permanent roof over their head because of him. Most likely at one point move another women in. Get legal advice

Get back in touch with the women's refuge and get advice from them re council and legal advice. That house is half yours and I would get legal advice re contact too. I'm assuming he used to 'control' you so be aware he might be very difficult and that is why you will need to do everything through a solicitor.

You are not useless! You are strong and learning along the way.

@ahsan

You shouldn’t have left the house, most likely you’ll end up with the kids most of the time and they will not have a permanent roof over their head because of him. Most likely at one point move another women in. Get legal advice

I had to go. I thought I was going to kill myself otherwise. He just wouldn't leave and I couldn't take anymore. I am trying to find a job and I've applied for universal credits until then. I'm supposed to find out if I get them in 2 weeks. I'm so scared I won't. I've never had benefits before and feel like I'm cheating. I hope I can find a job soon. I'm such a mess though I keep crying all the time. I'm scared I'll never pull myself together enough to work. My family member has been generous with money but I had an unexpected bill come through and had to use our old joint card. He said before that it was fine but I've been trying not to use it because he always got so angry, and he's just given me a massive bollocking over it and got angry at me for crying because he thinks I'm being manipulative. I can't help it I didn't want to cry. I was trying to have the conversation via text so he wouldn't know, but he insisted on calling and then got so annoyed by the crying. Now I just can't stop crying. I just want to sort my life out. I feel like such a failure.

Sorry that's such a mess of a post. I don't know what I need help with anymore. Everything is wrong and I'm so underweight I feel like I'm going to collapse most of the time but I can't eat properly and haven't done so in years.

@jigglypuffcookie

Get back in touch with the women's refuge and get advice from them re council and legal advice. That house is half yours and I would get legal advice re contact too. I'm assuming he used to 'control' you so be aware he might be very difficult and that is why you will need to do everything through a solicitor.

You are not useless! You are strong and learning along the way.

I might send them an email. Thank you. I thought maybe now I was out, that they wouldn't be able to help me anymore.

You can move however far you want providing he doesn't get a prohibited steps order. I'm guessing if you went to a refuge he was abusive towards you?
I left my violent ex partner who also nearly killed me and moved 2 hours away.. He's taking me to the family court now. He doesn't know where we live either.

Thank you Pebbledashery. That's really useful to know and I am glad you got away from your ex. My ex was never that violent but I felt like a prisoner, and still do in some ways. I just want to be a free person and now I think it's only myself holding me back. I feel sometimes like I was mentally tortured and my head's been left so confused by it all. Then I think maybe I'm lying or imagining things he's done and it's just me being insane. I really don't know if I'm crazy sometimes. I feel like I am.

Sorry if anyone read my outbursts. I've calmed down now.

I guess it's hard because you have a mortgaged property :( I'm not sure what you'd be entitled to benefits wise. Can he afford to buy you out?