I think I might be over thinking this !

[paranoiamumma]

Just for back ground my friend and I have been friend for 18 years nearly , up until 2018 , I use to lend her money, we helped each out emotionally , I thought we were good friends .
In 2018 she just stopped chatting to me ,this coincided with when she came into lots of money ( might not be relevant )
Anyway recently I have had to use a garage her husband works at ( for a work car no choice ) and we chat like nothings happened .

Saturday my friend drove pass me in a posh new bmw and waved , I wasn't a 100 percent certain it was her as I A haven't seen the car before and B her hair was darker but I suppose I thought well what ever the issue was she's over it ( I have never asked as I hadn't the courage too ) , so I Facebook messaged her
Hey lovely was it you that drove passed me today and waved , if so I am sorry I didn't react to quickly , I hadn't realised it was you till you indicated to your street ! , I hope you guys are all well . X
She saw the message almost immediately and hasn't responded , this has left me confused , why bother waving , if you didn't want to strike a conversation .
Am I being ghosted ! Or am I just being stupid and it was never about that .

Maybe it wasn’t her waving or she was waving at someone else and she’s baffled by your message.

Maybe it was her but she’s busy / distracted and glanced at your message but didn’t have the time / mental space to reply.

Do you chat to her or her husband when you are at the garage?

She hasn’t chatted to you since 2018, I would just leave it , you didn’t ask a question in your message so maybe that’s why she didn’t respond ?

Why do you care? She stopped speaking to you with no explanation more than 2 years ago. She's not your friend, she doesn't respect you, and she doesn't think like you.

Why she waved will remain a mystery to you. Let it. She's not worth your headspace.

Her husband she doesn't work there .

It was only me on the street and she definitely waved , she lent over and waved .
I care because I have alway cared since 2018 , she's was an integral part of my life and I thought I was hers( certainly seemed like it) .

I guess I was hoping by her waving maybe what ever it was that made her stop she got over . And I am at a stage in life where her friendship not being here is like a massive hole , she would be able to advise me like we use to for each other , without her I have know one to chat to , ( actually maybe it's more about my life than her waving )
But I guess your right i just need to forget it again .

This is really strange.

@JorisBonson I think it's strange too which is why I put the original post .

Did she ever pay you back for the loans? Maybe she has come into money and is horrified how much she actually owes you!!

I don't think you're over-thinking the waving incident - it IS strange. Why would she wave if she no longer bothers speaking to you?

It sounds like you really miss her though. Could you think about sending her a sort of "last chance" message just saying something like "Look, I really miss our friendship. I'm not sure why you stopped responding to me - but if I did something to hurt you, then I'm really sorry for that and would like the chance to mend it. If you just decided you didn't like me any more then fair enough, but it would be good to know. But in any event I wish you and your family well."

I know that it's hard to do this - but realistically, if she doesn't reply, then you at least know that the friendship is gone, and you can mourn it and move on. Worst case scenario: she completely ignores you, which is what's already happening anyway. Best case scenario: she replies and says she's sorry, XYZ happened which she couldn't cope with, and you guys start talking again.

I do get how difficult this is - it's something I'm working on right now with a family relationship. I've been sitting around thinking "She's not replying to my messages because she's angry with me about X" - my therapist pointed out that I have no evidence at all that that is the case, and if I don't ask, I will definitely never know. It's really hard because I'm terrified of a flat-out definite rejection - but the other option is that I'm stuck in limbo potentially forever, waiting for her to make the first move.

Good luck OP and I hope you're able to get some closure

Honestly, OP, I randomly wave at people in the street who seem vaguely familiar, and who might be my parents’ neighbours, people from the school run I know by sight etc. It doesn’t mean I am seeking to. E friends or send an olive branch after three years of no contact.

BE friends.

Honestly, I would move on and let her reach out if she wants to. It might not be the case but it seems she was getting more out of the relationship than you were and when she didn't need that support she dropped you. It's sad and you don't deserve it. I know it's hard right now but I would look for a new support network

She ghosted you 2 years ago when she didn't need you for money any more. I wouldn't worry about it now.

So she's been your friend until she didnt need you anymore? What a bitch

And I am at a stage in life where her friendship not being here is like a massive hole

That's not a stage in life. Take responsibility: It's something your choosing. If you have a hole in your life, fill it with something healthy and good for you, that you enjoy. Join an online group, start working out, go for an hour long walk every day listening to a podcast about something you want to learn about, do art or something creative, take lessons on an instrument or in a language. There's lots you can be doing. But you're choosing to imagine some external forces beyond your control, forcing you into spending your time picking apart a wave from someone who dropped you.

Find something else to do. She probably waves to everyone when she's driving, because she wants to show off her car. Her behaviour is odd, but it's not about you or your relationship with her.

*you're choosing.

Ugh. My least favourite grammar fail.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I don't think you're over-thinking the waving incident - it IS strange. Why would she wave if she no longer bothers speaking to you?

It sounds like you really miss her though. Could you think about sending her a sort of "last chance" message just saying something like "Look, I really miss our friendship. I'm not sure why you stopped responding to me - but if I did something to hurt you, then I'm really sorry for that and would like the chance to mend it. If you just decided you didn't like me any more then fair enough, but it would be good to know. But in any event I wish you and your family well."

I know that it's hard to do this - but realistically, if she doesn't reply, then you at least know that the friendship is gone, and you can mourn it and move on. Worst case scenario: she completely ignores you, which is what's already happening anyway. Best case scenario: she replies and says she's sorry, XYZ happened which she couldn't cope with, and you guys start talking again.

I do get how difficult this is - it's something I'm working on right now with a family relationship. I've been sitting around thinking "She's not replying to my messages because she's angry with me about X" - my therapist pointed out that I have no evidence at all that that is the case, and if I don't ask, I will definitely never know. It's really hard because I'm terrified of a flat-out definite rejection - but the other option is that I'm stuck in limbo potentially forever, waiting for her to make the first move.

Good luck OP and I hope you're able to get some closure

I do miss her and I have often thought about texting her , I have a lot going on physically and mentally that's why I thought I was over thinking it , I think your right I have nothing else to lose , just got to get the courage .

@Santaiscovidfree

Did she ever pay you back for the loans? Maybe she has come into money and is horrified how much she actually owes you!!

Most of them they were more small loans like last week 50£ then she return it Monday to burrow it Saturday Or she would ask for money for her daughter euros for a school trip , then pay it back , it did feel very much like I don't need you now .