I think I made a mistake reconciling with my wife

[tigerall]

In early 2020 my wife and I split up, she left me as she felt we had grown apart over the years and since our children had left home. I was very upset about it and did not want to split but ultimately accepted my wife’s decision.

Last year was very tough and I did turn to a close female friend for comfort at first she was just a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on but as time went on we became closer and started a romantic / sexual relationship. She knew at this time I still hoped to reconcile with my wife but it had seemed unlikely.

Then last October my wife did have a change of heart and we decided to try again. My friend was very understanding and stepped aside. I was thrilled and very happy for the first while but over the last month or so I’ve felt very unhappy. I feel like my wife had cold feet about life on her own in the current circumstances. I’ve tried my best to do everything she wants of me but she still seems unhappy too but like she thinks we are just stuck together now. I was happy enough before but I think so much about my friend and what we had together last summer. It was actually very special and I miss her a lot. I hear she is seeing another man and it upsets me but of course I wish her well and don’t expect her to come running back to me, if anything I feel ashamed of how I treated her last year and wish I had taken it more seriously and not been blinded by my hopes of saving my marriage.

I don’t think I see a future with my wife now, it’s like I can finally see and it’s not so great for either of us. I just don’t know what to do, the timing is terrible, I don’t want to hurt my wife but I don’t think I can now stay in the marriage, I wish I did, that none of this had happened but it’s impossible now after all that has happened.

Your wife hurt you badly - she can't expect you to get over that just on her whim. You may well hurt her by declining but she initiated the split.

I'm sorry about the situation with your friend but most likely you fell into that rather too suddenly.

Well, you know that you gave it a try with your wife, but that means you can separate knowing you gave it every chance. Don't now stay in an unhappy marriage just because!

Spend some time alone and single, reflect on what happened in your marriage, why you didn't continue to pursue your new relationship, and come to know what you are most looking for going forwards.

You need to be honest with your wife. The break away has just shown you it wasn't working. Can I ask if she had an affair/left for someone else? It smacks of the affair fizzled out so she came running back with her tail between her legs.

Sometimes being apart makes you realise that it’s not good for you. It happened to me. End it sooner than later.

I mean, you can't say you didn't try.

Seems to me you just didn't know much else than your wife, and now that you've had another relationship you've realised there's more companionship to be had out there in the world.

It sounds like neither of you are happy, perhaps she's starting to realise it was a mistake too?

This is incredibly common. One partner has an affair or leaves the marriage. The other partner feels bereft. Partner who left/strayed then comes crawling back and the wronged partner agrees to try again, grateful for the chance. Then as time passes, that gratitude turns to frustration and sometimes anger and they realise their marriage has died.
It doesn’t sound as though your wife was unreasonable or unfaithful rather she was just trying to be honest. Maybe she has got cold feet or maybe she doesn’t know how to get the spark back. You need to sit down and talk. Perhaps a gradual end to your marriage would suit you both such as separate bedrooms etc.

Thank you for all your replies they are helpful and I think you are all right that we just need to end it now, it’s very sad indeed but it’s how it is.

Yes I do need to be single, the temptation is to return to my friend in the hope she might still want me but of course I know it wouldn’t be wise. I think men can be very weak on that front as we hate to alone.

I don’t know if my wife had an affair, it is possible I think, it’s bad as the thought no longer upsets me.

You tried OP but you have realised nothing has changed and it is not working for you now.

Nothing wrong in saying this to your wife and splitting for good.

If the thought of your wife having an affair doesn't affect you, then I think your marriage is over. It sounds like you don't love her anymore.

Be honest and end it now

I think you need to talk to each other openly about your feelings. You’re married and I think the relationship at least deserves some home truths before you throw it all away for good.
Does your wife know you were seeing someone else when you initially split? Was it a “break” or were divorce proceedings happening?
Sounds a very messy situation but communication is key otherwise you will both be bogged down with resentment and you don’t want to just settle for each other

I’ve tried my best to do everything she wants of me but she still seems unhappy too but like she thinks we are just stuck together now.

Why are you trying to make someone else happy? You are not the entertainments committee.

A relationship works when it is mutual, equality in kindness, respect and loyalty.

Your situation sounds a huge disappointment and ultimately suffocating for both of you. Life is too short to live like this. I suspect your DW may also be relieved if you broach it as she might not want to be the one calling the shots for the third time.

Are there housing / financial issues to resolve?

Do it with dignity together.

I would also give your xGF the heads up - so she has an option if she wants it. You can tell her the truth - that you miss her and value her and that you made a mistake going back to your wife. This is not an uncommon situation.

At least you tried x