I am so confused – or maybe I am in denial that the relationship has ended? What should I do next?

[beaz75]

I know the best thing for me to do is to just try and forget about him and maybe he will come back but I am worried that too much time would have passed PLUS I feel I have caused this and should connect with him and tell him I have changed my mind.

In a nutshell ex moved out at the weekend – we had been living together for 8 months after meeting 3 months prior. May I highlight with COVID-19 I have been stuck at home and barely go out so it has been tough for us.

He has 2 kids that have visited a few times, but the son does not want to stay here which was the plan. He is 14 and has turned into an X Box addict. He gets to see his kids every other weekend and stays in the family home and his ex stays with her boyfriend.

We really did / do love each other however the weekends he was not here I got jealous and had trust issues from a very long past relationship.

He had always wanted to get his own place close to the kids so to make things easier and my answer was always that it was a step in the wrong direction and our relationship would be over (I know probably not the best thing to say).

He moved out at the weekend after a huge argument that had lasted a week we both said very horrid things to each other, Plus I was also unwell and was in bed for about 5 days.

He is a nice person and I admire the way he is with his kids. I cannot move home at the moment because of my situation in 2 years I would have.

I don’t know if our relationship is over or not. He said he would visit every other weekend but the way we have left it I don’t know.
I don’t want to contact him about it as I don’t want to hurt more. What do I do? Am I in denial?

He did visit yesterday quickly to see if I was OK and was surprised that I was made up and back to my normal self – the house was also clean, and my pets were all over him. He looked awful and just said that he slept badly in his new bed. I just got a “Have a good week”. The conversation was awkward.

I know you will say – just call him and find out BUT the stuff we said was bad. He said out of sight out of mind and I’m hoping it would be distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Hi OP, I didn't want to read and run. Firstly its good you take your share of responsibility for the downfall of the relationship. Im going to be frank and say that some of the things you said are controlling and manipulate. I know you said them out of jealousy and possibly insecurity but you need to know that going forward you cannot behave this way , its toxic. I also think that maybe you two rushed the relationship so time apart might do you good.

Secondly I don't really know how you should go forward unless we know the extent of what was said? Was it name calling or spiteful things that can't be taken back? What was it?

You were jealous of the weekends he spent with his DC? And openly disapproved of him getting his own place to be closer to his DC? I think him wanting to do the latter seems very sensible, more so than moving in together after 3 months (although obviously Covid has forced decisions that wouldn't have happened otherwise). Honestly, I think it's probably a good thing this is over and that you need to take some time for yourself to deal with the insecurities and trust issues before you bring them with you into the next relationship. Sorry OP, it's horrible to have to break up when you both still have feelings for each other, but it sounds like he's being sensible ending it now. No way should such a new relationship involve big rows saying horrible things to each other. You also sound like you got into a healthier space without him around. So I'd accept that it's ended and ask him to not keep visiting. Unless there's something you've not mentioned, you don't need checking up on, and even if you did, hopefully you have friends or family who can do that without all the pain that stringing this out would bring.

Did he move out of the family home and straight in with you? Did you push for that?
I can see why a 14-year-old wouldn't want to stay with a woman his dad had known for 3 months, you can see the problem there can't you?
It sounds like the whole relationship was rushed and that you tried to control it. I would accept that it's over between you and tell him not to visit as that just drags things out.

Thanks for all you replies. I must admit what I wrote I knew would put me in a negative light. What I wrote was true completely however there are always 2 sides to a story.

It wasn't him seeing the kids every other weekend that bothered me (as I do like my space) it was the fact that I would never know when he would be back to make plans. Sometimes he would leave on a Saturday and be back for lunch with the kids on the Sunday and other times he would leave Friday night and be back late Sunday saying that the ex was out still. I know it sounds controlling but I was just hoping for a bit of structure. His ex was controlling the shots, would call constantly and it seemed was doing it on purpose. I just asked him one thing - to let me know what was going on. He also said that he knew his ex was calling the shots and was too soft with her he just didn't want to argue with her,

Secondly, yes the relationship was rushed and he moved in the the ex and kids at the beginning of Covid. We both know that was a mistake. His kids were happy though and that's all that counts really.

This guy ( unfortunately_ has a tendency to flit from one thing to another quickly i.e. every week he would decorate a room and make plans and then the next week had got a flat. Can you now understand that its not me! Yes I sound controlling but I live on my own in a big house and wanted our plans to happen.

As for the harsh words. He is addicted to his phone and is on it all the time which scared me. He knows its an issue and when he put t upstairs to avoid it I though he was getting messages from someone else so took it from him. You can see now - how we both got. I then openly started going on dating sites :)

Look. I have a beautiful home. was unwell, just lost my job and have been stuck here in confinement for nearly a year. He also struggled (had made an office in the shed and also one of my rooms). Living in such a space for so long would drive anyone crazy - and that exactly what happened.

We had the best summer ever - he even said that. We have another 3 months of isolation to drive us even more crazy now (on our own). It was from December that things started to go dark with no where to go and missing family. I have no one else in my bubble and my family do live here :( so its just phone calls.

I don't know. Maybe time will tell. If Covid had never happened we would both be in a different place as would have been out at work everyday leading our lives and looking forward to seeing each other. I would also have spent a nigh at his new place that "other" weekend". That was always on the cards.

So rant over - do you still agree that it si over?

You took his phone then went on dating sites? I think you know this relationship is over. You mention jealousy and trust issues in your op but then change it to just wanting to know when he's coming home. This is an unhealthy relationship and he's recognised that. Over time, you will too.

Look it’s not working, so it’s over, just leave it as it is.

Leave it,it's not a healthy relationship x

“You took his phone then went on dating sites? I think you know this relationship is over. You mention jealousy and trust issues in your op but then change it to just wanting to know when he's coming home. This is an unhealthy relationship and he's recognised that. Over time, you will too.”

OP - it’s good that you’ve been so open and honest about how you’ve behaved in this relationship. No-one’s perfect but you seem to have reacted to difficulties in a very destructive manner. Most people have been hurt or let down in the past. It’s no good behaving badly and then making excuses on the basis of past hurts. But you know that. So what are you going to do to make sure you overcome your destructive tendencies and don’t sabotage relationships in the future?

I think he did the right thing by moving out.

I also think you should take some time to understand yout own behaviour better

You took his phone, searched it, went on dating sites so he could see it, were Jealous when he wasn’t with you, tried to control his movements. You were even in bed for the week before he left but were miraculously better and all made up, the house cleaned etc. The day after when he came back. And presenting your best self to him. Which makes me wonder how ill you actually were. The timing for your miraculous recovery is kinda suspect there.

So He has done the right thing, it would be wrong for him to live with someone who is jealously trying to control and manipulate him. It’s so unhealthy. For both of you.

Time to focus on your self and try to learn some healthy behaviours. And let him move on from what he’s been through with you which would have been emotionally damaging and draining.

Like millions of people I’ve been confined to the home, made home office etc, I haven’t treated my partner like you did. I think you need to leave him be and work on you. Get some counselling

Leave him alone OP. You don't sound like you know how to be in a healthy relationship so maybe work on yourself a little (or lot) before rushing into another relationship. Your actions are so damaging and will need a lot of self reflection and work.

I don’t think you should be dating right now. Get through lockdown and then get some therapy