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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve Been in Shock All Week

14 replies

Joanna000603 · 02/02/2021 10:39

I’ve posted a couple of times on here before, regarding my marriage problems but I learned something last week and it all makes sense now. The sad thing is, it took joining TikTok to show me what’s actually been happening to me for the past 30years!

Met my future husband, who showered me love, gifts and wonderful times. We got engaged with in a couple of months, then married, kids etc
I thought he loved me and just wanted to take care of me. He has controlled my life in so many ways, ruined special occasions snd trips, played mind games, said cruel things, have spent the last few years, probably more, being unhappy. Every time I talk to him about divorce, he said he wanted us to try harder and not to throw our marriage away and couldn’t bare the thought of not having me in his life.

I now realise he is a Covert Narcissist. Part of me is upset and embarrassed at the thought and part of me is relieved because at times I thought I was going insane. That it must be me my fault.
100% want to leave him but I can see it’s going to be a huge ordeal and I can’t sleep for the worry!

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 02/02/2021 10:41

Sending hugs,do you own the house ? Do you have kids ? Is there anywhere you can go x

Original poster
Joanna000603 · 02/02/2021 10:56

Thank you for the hug x We own the house together and have three kids, youngest is 15. I’ve spoken to a solicitor and they’ve advised me not to leave our home. x

OP posts:
Scrunchy95 · 02/02/2021 11:13

They are extremely good at controlling and gaslighting. You have done an amazing job to finally diagnose his behavior, unfortunately, he will never admit it and he will probably accuse you of all of the things he has done. You just have to break out of there with as little discussion as possible. If you want some more advice there are a lot of videos on youtube which go into a lot of detail and advice. Sending you lots of hugs. You'll never unsee his narcissism now, Wishing you all the very best and a speedy escape!

Scrunchy95 · 02/02/2021 11:15

Just saw your solicitor's advice. Gosh, you are in for a tricky ride. I'm rooting for you!

Santaiscovidfree · 02/02/2021 11:17

A 'positive 'twist is your dc are old enough to make their own decisions regarding seeing both of you. Don't leave your home op. And make sure you stop providing any services to him. No cooking /laundry etc.
Gather up important paperwork.. Stash it with a friend.. When I left dh he had taken vital stuff out of my bags without me realising.. Enlist support and get cunning..

Original poster
Joanna000603 · 02/02/2021 20:57

Thank you for the support. I have no friends and no one to confide in, so I feel a little better after posting on here.
I’ve been sorting paperwork and made sure it’s in order. I am worried about money because last time I spoke to him about leaving, he said I wouldn’t be able to financially survive without him.

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 02/02/2021 21:00

He may well have said that but was he being realistic? Do you feel you can manage? Don't focus on what he says, he's never going to be positive

Cherrysoup · 02/02/2021 21:42

There’s a website called something like entitled to which shows you what you’d get if you separated. Give it a go. Get yourself, imagine being with him til retirement! 😥

redastherose · 02/02/2021 23:11

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt! It's awful when you realise that you've been taken for a mug for years. Covert narcissists are the worst but at least you now know that it's not you and never was. It was always him, his behaviour has caused all of this and you now get to move forward with your life without his toxic presence.

redastherose · 02/02/2021 23:14

Also, don't believe anything he tells you. You can survive without him and you will thrive, so will your kids. You are stronger than you know, he is the one who is weak, he has had to make himself feel better for years by making you feel less than. Now you will see who is the strong one.

Housing101 · 02/02/2021 23:26

You will get by. Even if you don't have as much money.. you will have something. And you won't have him - so things will automatically be better!

You may be entitled to some financial help. Could you have a look if you would get any UC?

You can do this. You're on your way to a happier future, good for you.

kateshair · 02/02/2021 23:32

Do it ! I can promise you you won’t regret it or look back.
Make a plan, write it all down step by step. You will be so relieved once you’ve done it.
Message me if you like I’ve been you and came out the other side

converseandjeans · 02/02/2021 23:34

I don't understand the relevance of TikTok?

Onthedunes · 03/02/2021 02:13

@converseandjeans

Neither do I Confused

But I love that you have had your eyes opened to his narcisistic behavior.

Flowers
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