Long distance relationships

[MiaMarshmallows]

I posted in aibu but got no replies.
How long, reasonably can you maintain a relationship through long distance?
DP and I are approaching 3 years and I miss him so much as obviously not been able to see him through this lockdown except briefly at Christmas.
We both with kids, adult ones so cannot travel to go to each others homes.
We are very much in love but circumstances which are unavoidable will keep us apart and not living together for at least another 2-3 years.
Has anyone else been in this situation and came out stronger?

We did it for about 3 years and I think we would have had problems if we had gone on any longer. Corona forced us back together prematurely due to lockdown/travel bans and it has given us a new perspective on that time spent apart. It wasn't as manageable and fine as we had been telling ourselves and our relationship was suffering, but neither of us bit the bullet to address that at the time because we saw no other option than to get on with life as it was. There was probably a bit of denial going on too, as both of us were 'supposed' to he doing great things independently and we were 'supposed' to be a strong couple who could weather all that and enjoy it 100%! In many ways we were/are that couple, but we were also putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to be thriving and behaving a bit naively thinking that love is all you need.

One key thing I've learned is that not being there to keep up with the day-to-day feelings of your parter can be really damaging if said partner is not the most communicative. In my case I think my OH was basically depressed, but you wouldn't have known it from our texts or Skypes. It's all reached a crescendo this year, and I'm thankful we were physically together when this happened as it allowed us to take stock of what was happening and make repairs, rather than allowing things to spiral further.

It's really all about communication, I think. Not just checking in digitally with eachother to catch up - it's easy to say everything is fine that way and there's even a pressure to be happy in those moments as it is your timeslot together and 'should' be nice/fun. Both partners need to be even more open and vulnerable with their feelings than if you were living together, I think, to make up for missing those day-to-day non-verbal things you'd both pick up on if you weren't apart. We have come out stronger, but after some real difficulties ❤

Thank you.
We are extremely strong as a couple and he is always in touch with me as I am him. We are trying hard to fill the days productively so we are not just moping around for each other.
It will be easier once the ban between mixing with households is over. We can then go back to our prior arrangement of meeting at weekends. With that said, I can't imagine not living with him (After experiencing how fantastic it was during the first lockdown). I just wish we had met at a different time when we didn't have the commitments tying us down to our respective homes meaning we can not live together. I guess what it will come down to is making some difficult decisions. I really can't see us having a LDR for much longer. It's not doable or healthy.

When you say long distance relationship, how long distance do you mean? Because if you were able to live together during the first lockdown and you see each other normally at weekends, then it can't really be all that long distance? Do you just mean you don't live together? If you have adult children, can you start to plan for a time when you could live together?

Realistically, I don't think it's easy to sustain a relationship long distance for say 5 years. Someone in there needs to compromise if you want to be together. Dh and I were long distance for a bit over 2 years. I mean really long distance. An 11 hour flight between us and we only saw each other a few times a year. We couldn't be together because of work and education commitments we'd made before we got together, and also for immigration reasons. Neither of us could move permanently to live in the other's country until we were getting married. It was hard, but we planned very meticulously in those 2+ years for living together, saving up a deposit, planning work decisions around settling in that geographic area, visa applications, etc. If you both want it badly enough, you'll make it happen. That said, if you are otherwise able to see each other at weekends, I don't think that is a whole lot different from most adults dating who don't live together. It's hard to do things during the week if you work long hours and have other commitments. It sounds like you need to work out how life can be adjusted for both of you to make it work long term.

yup - it depends how long the distance is you're referring to. I maintained a 'long' distance relationship (living several 100 miles/a lot of hours driving away) for a decade. It crumbled for lots of reasons, none of them really to do with the distance. Current partner lives about 30 miles/45mins away. Not really 'long' distance, and it's sort of possible to pop over for an evening, but still requires regular contact between seeing each other. especially at the moment, when we're seeing each other less regularly due to covid.

there isn't a magic number - LDR/LAT suits some people. it doesn't suit others. It depends what kind of relationship you want, and how long you're willing to stick it out before you can have it. and that depends on how much contact you want, and can maintain, before you can have the 'ideal'.

8 years :) and now happily married for 3 and together for 13 years in total. I can’t imagine how sh*t it is now but we were only 1.5 hours by bus/train which is more than some people commute. This was for undergrad, masters & phd the first chosen before dating, the second is not something you get to pick the uni for really - you go where your niche has funding. No kids and much younger.

I have to say there were aspects I liked - you got to make separate groups of friends which means I now have twice as many.

Now is going to be the worst time - was you can move in together it is extra special.

It's a few hours distance apart.

It's hard to plan for the future as we know our kids will be with us for quite some time to come.
Its just the first lockdown when we lived together was so perfect, it made me see how it could be. Somethings got to give, I'm just not sure what,
Thanks all.

I'm also in a LDR. My partner hates phone calls. We text a few times a day, sometimes just once. I don't love phone calls either, but thinking maybe we'll have to start having one chat a week. We've been together two years, thinking of moving in together, but due to nature of his work we probably wouldn't see each other much more. I think LDR suit me ok, however my partner isn't the most communicative sometimes, even in person. So that can be challenging.

How old are these adult children?

I’m in a LDR too, there are 5 hours between us. We both want to be together but neither of are keen to give up what we have in our respective areas. It’s difficult to know what to do for the best but I’m starting to realise that there’s every chance it will end.
I firmly believe that if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be so time will tell.