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Relationships

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Original poster

Why don’t I fancy him

18 replies

Yogapoga123 · 01/02/2021 22:12

Short summary: met a man on Bumble, we messaged for 6 weeks or so then had a walking date, and then another. I liked him, we get on. Some interests in common, and he has qualities I like - good dad, seems kind, liberal politically, etc. He’s attractive.

So, here’s the issue. After date 3, we both got fed up with walking in the cold and went back to his place. We ended up drinking a lot of wine - a lot - and slept together. And again in the morning. Yes, i know . The sex wasn’t great, which is maybe hardly surprising as the first time we were pissed, then in the morning I was so hungover. He was lovely, no pressure, lots of cuddles and asking me what I like etc. So, no horrible behaviour or anything.

BUT - I just don’t think I fancy him. I don’t have that real urge to rip his clothes off. Is that just a lack of chemistry, I’m not sure? I’m totally kicking myself because I’d love to meet somebody nice and be in a relationship and have all those lovely times . I’m willing myself to give it a try but in my heart, I’m just not feeling it. The idea of sleeping with him again doesn’t appeal at all. Why???!! I don’t get it. He’s messaged me and wants to get to know me better but I’m avoiding the phone like a teenager. I’m so cross with myself, partly for the shagging but also cos I now feel like I’ve got to extricate myself. FFS. We’re both late 40s, divorced.

OP posts:

Newfor2021 · 01/02/2021 22:20

I’d give it one more shot if you did initially fancy him, just to make sure, but I’d make sure it was a date I could easily get out of.
I think you’ll know once you see him again if it’s one way or another - but do always listen to your gut reaction!

BaggoMcoys · 01/02/2021 22:23

My first real relationship started when I was fairly young (21) and lasted for over ten years, and I never really felt that way about my ex. It isn't that I found him unattractive and I wasn't disgusted by him (at least not at the start) but I just didn't have those urges. I found sex boring and unsatisfying but I didn't know it could be any different. I didn't even know that type of chemistry was a real thing! I have since been in relationships with men who I have been really attracted to, and where I have had that chemistry. Honestly, I wouldn't go back to being with someone who I didn't have those feelings for. I don't know if I will learn differently in time and decide it's less important, but for now at least I just really enjoy that excited, chemistry, want to rip your clothes off, kind of feelings! I think they're great!

I can't answer why you're not feeling it with this new guy. Maybe it's something like his smell (pheromones or whatever) or maybe it's because he just didn't do it for you in bed! I suspect if I had found sex more exciting with my ex, I would have felt more chemistry... It was always a bit of a clinical act with him and he never seemed to enjoy it much.

Original poster

Yogapoga123 · 01/02/2021 22:38

Thanks so much for the replies newfor21 and baggomcoys. My head is saying give it a go but my gut instinct seems to be a no. The thought of going there again sex wise just seems a bit ick but I can’t work out why. It’s pretty illogical.
Baggo, I had that real chemistry and excitement with my previous partner and yes I agree, there’s nothing like it. I’m just not sure if it’s realistic to always expect that? On the other hand, it doesn’t seem right to continue if it’s not there. First time sex is often not amazing at all but it should leave you wanting more I suppose. I was actually very pleased to leave as I didn’t want to give him oral, felt like an escape when we got dressed

OP posts:

NotMyPremium · 01/02/2021 22:39

"My first real relationship started when I was fairly young (21) and lasted for over ten years, and I never really felt that way about my ex. It isn't that I found him unattractive and I wasn't disgusted by him (at least not at the start) but I just didn't have those urges. I found sex boring and unsatisfying but I didn't know it could be any different. I didn't even know that type of chemistry was a real thing! I have since been in relationships with men who I have been really attracted to, and where I have had that chemistry. Honestly, I wouldn't go back to being with someone who I didn't have those feelings for. I don't know if I will learn differently in time and decide it's less important, but for now at least I just really enjoy that excited, chemistry, want to rip your clothes off, kind of feelings! I think they're great!"

This is almost identical to me!

You don't have that chemistry with him OP, and you can't force it. Just move on. This should be the part you want to be in touch loads and want to keep having sex with him, not avoiding your phone and not want him.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2021 22:43

Why don't you tell him that you'd like to take it a bit slower when it comes to see, and see how you feel without so much alcohol involved. A few more dates isn't a big investment.

Original poster

Yogapoga123 · 01/02/2021 22:55

Yes, maybe I could do that. I’d be worried about being unfair though, assessing him, and then the possibility of sex and how I’d get round that. Current restrictions don’t help. Now we’ve DTD, it’s hard to go back to a chaste walk...! Natural next step would be for him to come to mine, and I cook or something but then I’m trapped!

OP posts:

itsallpointless · 01/02/2021 23:10

Apparently the ripping off clothes feeling doesn't last, however, for me, if it wasn't there in the first place, I wouldn't bother pursuing.

My last ex (there's been a few) I NEVER had the urge to rip his clothes off! That lasted quite a number of years for all the wrong reasons (50 when we met) the physical side dropped off very quickly, even though we had lots in common.

He wasn't a bad bloke, but I didn't fancy him, and for quite some time didn't even like him

NotMyPremium · 02/02/2021 15:57

@Yogapoga123

Yeah, I don't agree with giving it a go. That's not fair on him. You are already talking about how to get around the sex issue. You would be giving him false hope and the thought that you like him if you carry on.

PussGirl · 02/02/2021 16:01

Even after the ripping off clothes stage there will still be sexual attraction if you fancy someone.

I'd have a more sober shag & then make a decision

If you can't even bear to do that unless you're pissed again then I'd say game over right now

honeysuckle21 · 02/02/2021 16:03

I'd let him know you're not interested, better to be honest now than really break his heart further down the line and forcing yourself to like him.

Signoramarella · 02/02/2021 16:09

Ahhh nothing like that I fancy you like mad feeling. If after the first shag , if your feeling a bit meh about giving him a blowjob, then, sorry, he isn't the one for you. Speaking from experience ahem, I met a guy, older on old year ago, we're still together and I fancy him more than ever , my heart flutters, I go all aquiver, and it's probably first time ever, and I'm big 50. Give a couple more dates but keep your irons in the old...

Original poster

Yogapoga123 · 03/02/2021 00:14

Thanks for the replies everyone. Quick update (if anyone’s interested...!) so I gently told him today that I wasn’t looking for a relationship and made it clear I didn’t think it would work romantically between us (just in case he thought I was being shy/unsure/looking for FWB)

He took it very well and was generous about it, and me, we’ve agreed to be friends and meet for the odd lunch.
Feel much better about things which tells me it was the right thing to do. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I don’t think I have, it seems a good outcome.

OP posts:

Veronika13 · 03/02/2021 02:15

Sounds like a good move and also it’ll make you a lot more relaxed to have lunch with him, as it’s taken off the pressure :)

itsallpointless · 03/02/2021 07:18

That's good news OP. Th reason my ex is an ex is because I couldn't face being intimate with him, not good for either of us.

You never know, your friendship may blossom though, so maybe keep an open mind

Signoramarella · 17/02/2021 18:19

Hi yogapoga, so glad he took it well.. you made such a good move, happy hunting for the right one!

SoulofanAggron · 17/02/2021 18:35

Well done.

There's no accounting for why we fancy someone or not.

lothermand · 17/02/2021 18:49

@SoulofanAggron it's quite sad really, a lot of good people get looked over

Wilfiswolf · 17/02/2021 23:07

That’s the downside of online dating in my view. Photos on their own are so limited. You end up swiping purely based on a look (and maybe if you’re lucky a bit of profile) but it’s nothing like real life, where you might end up finding someone very attractive that you’d never swipe right on!

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