Over my ex but grieving the loss of the friendship group he came with

[flowersrain]

I wonder if anyone has been in a similar situation or can help me with this.

My ex broke up with me at the end of October. I have had an awful time since then but am coming out the other side - I can see now that he was emotionally abusive, it was a toxic relationship, he had many narcissistic traits and that I was trauma bonded to him. I no longer romanticise the relationship and can see it for what it was.

I am however struggling with the loss of the friendship group he came with. There were about 6 couples in it and we would regularly go for dinner, have dinner parties, go for drinks etc and we would do this as couples as well as the 'girls' getting together separate from the 'boys'.

I have friends but I have never been part of a friendship group like this and I absolutely loved being part of something bigger and being included.

of course, they are his friends and now we are no longer together I am not part of that group anymore but when we split everyone made it clear that there was no taking of sides and that we could still stay in touch. I thought I had accepted no longer being part of the group but I am still in touch with a couple of the girls and I was messaging one of them yesterday and she mentioned how they'd had a zoom quiz on Saturday and all these feelings of grief, loneliness and sadness came bubbling up. I used to be part of that (the girls all did a zoom quiz during the last lockdown) and now I'm not. My friends don't do things like that and I am spending lockdown either on my own at my house or at my parents' who I am bubbled with. I am sad that I can't have those fun experiences because I am no longer part of that group and I suppose I am also jealous that my ex still has it.

I am a very proactive person so in normal times I would go out and try to make new friends but of course this is impossible at the moment. How do I get over the loss of this friendship group that I was so proud to be part of and where I felt so accepted and included?

Thats a shame op

Are the women in the group all friends because they are the significant others of a group of men for example? Is that how they are bonded or were the women friends independently of the partners.

When a couple splits no matter how hard people try not to make an effort with someone over another...there is always someone left out from plans

R e getting over it.... i would say after lockdown/covid find a group that will put you in touch with like minded people and create a group of your own

@CeeCee2021 thank you for your reply - yes, they are all friends because they are the wives/girlfriends of a group of men. I have never had anything like that with past relationships and it was such a joy to be part of.

I don't think you should continue being in the friendship group. Its a constant reminder of your ex and the life you had of him. And to be perfectly honest if my ex continued to be friendship with the friendship group I introduced him to I would find it bit annoying/weird.

This is your opportunity to find a new friendship group and start a new life that is separate from your ex. You might miss it at first but you'll feel better for it in years to come.

so many typos sorry I'm typing on my phone

*had with him
*friends with the friendship group

Hace you tried initiating activities with your friends?

It is certainly difficult to meet bew friendship groups in lockdown but it's not impossible - volunteering and hobbies are a great way to forge new group and individual friendships.

You need to give yourself a chance to move on from your ex and all the associations of that relationship.

I had a similar ish situation about a decade ago. Wasn't couples as such, but definitely a group of friends. It was hard losing that, my ex purposely made the situation worse. He was very controlling though and wouldn't 'allow' me to do certain things after we split.

They were good times with the group but life goes on and you do feel differently as time passes.

I had this too. But it made me realise that if they no longer included me, then we were never real friends to start with. I don't actually miss them. I missed the social aspect more than them.
I have my own friends now, which is much nicer as they want to spend time with me.

@Palavah

Hace you tried initiating activities with your friends?

It is certainly difficult to meet bew friendship groups in lockdown but it's not impossible - volunteering and hobbies are a great way to forge new group and individual friendships.

You need to give yourself a chance to move on from your ex and all the associations of that relationship.

This. Your friends could do quizzes and other group activities if you organised it. Maybe others would then follow your example.

I think you summed it up. These are not normal times. Don't worry that you are worrying too much about it. When we get out of this I will also be more proactive about finding new hobbies. I have got myself into a rut!

Well it all depends!

If a couple of them are still in touch with you then you've not been written out, as it were.

Why not see if those 2 would like a drink?

I think the wider stuff is out though.

Fwiw one of my exes had an all male friendship group and we were all local. I bumped into them in the pub (ex wasn't there) and they said they missed me so I started going out drinking with them... Long story short I married another one :D

We are all mates now- go out together. Exes relatively new girlfriend is lovely.

I know it's unusual but if it was amicable then I really don't see why saying to the women you are in touch with fancy a drink then why not? I mean as long as you're not going to start asking questions about the ex etc etc

Just another perspective :)