Fair share ?

[TVDinneragain]

So been with my partner 5yrs . I have a lo from previous marriage - she's 8 - they are very close as in she sees him as father figure.

Since lockdown I've noticed another side to him.

I do housework, washing and most of cooking
He will cook rarely only as I have recently asked as he is home more. He does help wash up

But if he has been working that day he is tired and says I want to sit down and enjoy my evening ( but I work ) so often there is mess left because unless I do it he won't. It's always been this way, I used to do everything but since lockdown I'm feeling fed up

He does nothing to help with home schooling
When he does he gets short with her as he has little patience so I don't mind he doesn't get involved with that now. But I find that hard with working also.

I wfh so by the time he comes in I think he thinks I've had the easier day which actually I don't feel it is sometimes

Guess I just feel fed up and thought it was lockdown, not seeing friends family but he is often short with us over small things.

He is quite argumentative at work and drives quite impatiently- something that's always bothered me

When we speak in the day on the phone and I either get ' you fucking dickhead' or ' go on go on go on ' shouting down the phone getting into road rage

Just sat here thinking is this my life now

He sounds like an arse.

In an ideal world, what would you like him to to make the chore workload more balanced between the 2 of you?

This does not have to be your life any longer. You have a choice re this man and he is not a good example of a stepfather to your daughter. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?. She is learning that yes, men do treat women like you are being and that it is acceptable (currently) to you.

Why are you and he together at all now?. What is the point?

What is the situation re the property and finances?.

I'd hate that. He sounds so angry all the time. What's that teaching your dd?

And he sounds lazy.

@LOTM he does doesn't he? I guess honestly I wouldn't mind doing all that I do if he wasn't so short with me / us. But I'd like him to do a bit more around the house but as I say it's not just that these huffs and puffs are draining me x

Doesn't have to be your life.

Is this really the example of a relationship that you want to model to your dd? Would you be happy for her to repeat it in her own future?

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm honestly thinking if I met this man now, I wouldn't be interested so I think that I was so low when I met him, not over my ex husband that I just feel I settled quite honestly.

I feel a bit ashamed to admit that but I also feel I do not want to end up with someone who is making me feel this way

My daughter is oblivious and ignores his moods almost and when he does say sorry did snapping only coz I pull him up, she says that's ok ! But I feel like I'm screaming inside thinking no it isn't ok!!

I have tried talking to him, he initially becomes defensive, says he doesn't want to ' go over old ground ' because I've said or before but I don't feel anything has changed

He then will be extra cuddly or bring home flowers or say he will cook that night which is not his usual behaviour so I'm back to thinking oh he's ok, then he will start up again with his huffing and puffing

It probably doesn't sound a lot but I'm very tired at life at the moment and I don't feel emotionally supported

I'm annoyed at myself for settling from the beginning and maybe almost knowing this all along

Does this make sense ? X

She's not oblivious, she's drinking it all in like a sponge.

Are you sure she's oblivious OP?

Perhaps she's scared of him. She's saying it's ok so he doesn't yell and huff at her some more.

Ok maybe not oblivious as such maybe the wrong word but like the other day he shouted at her for doing something very minor and he did say sorry ( again after I pulled him up on it!) and he said it's ok, then said shall we play a game ? As if nothing has happened ! I was so angry that he just got away with it

When I spoke to him later he told me to stop going on and it's was already delay with!

He also told me to shut up in front of her the other day so I had a chat with the earlier saying what about if he goes back to his mums because I'm to the point I don't know if I want him here anymore ! She said yeah ok, but I'll miss him? I said I know but I think he needs to be a bit more sorry. I just feel awful for kicking him out when she's probably thinking why?

Sorry my lo said it's ok let's play a game to his response - she was just like ok that's fine

What I mean is I didn't say to her I didn't want him here I was sounding her out saying I think he should maybe go back to his mums at the moment as there last few times he hasn't really been sorry and she said yeah ok but I'll miss him

I'm not sure if she's really knowing what I mean

But I've been thinking all weekend I don't think I want to carry on in this relationship I can't see it getting any better ?

What do I do next? I feel bad on her but I also feel like pp have said, what am I doing to her by keeping him here and she will grow up thinking it's normal when it isn't

I'm not over reacting am I

I feel so rubbish x

Why, why, why are you wasting your life on this horrible man. Your poor daughter. Just get rid of him already.

Because I guess I've been coasting and I needed to hear that it's not ok

I feel lonely and isolated and a little bit like I've lost all my what's right and wrong

I know I feel scared for some reason

Like she won't forgive me, she seems happy and I just hate the thought of rocking the boat for her x

Send him back to his mum's then.

I can't imagine your 8 year old won't be relieved... and will tell you so when she is absolutely certain she won't be coming back!

Give the 2 of you an new year to enjoy.

No man has ever called me a fucking dickhead. I can't imagine that any man I know has ever called any other woman a fucking dickhead.
You set the bar very low at a time when you were feeling needy.
And now you should raise it.

Imagine how he would treat her as she gets older and into her teen years. It would be horrible. Stop wavering, do what you need to do and set a good example for your daughter. You don't even like this man.

@katy1213 ok just to clarify and to other posters - he wasn't calling those names to me
It was the road rage he was getting into
We would talk in the phone and he then gets into an argument with someone on the road

Sorry for not making my post clear
It's just not nice to hear that !! X

@Aquamarine1029 I know my mum said the same
What happens when she answers back as she will do

I do get where everyone is coming from

I guess because he isn't always like that
It's just a small percentage of the time but I do not want this for my life

I will talk to him tomorrow as he's working late tonight
It's just hard with lo home so I'm not sure how to break up in lockdown???

It's just hard with lo home so I'm not sure how to break up in lockdown???

Is the home yours? If it is, where he goes is not your problem.

She's 8, of course she feels attached to him, children are hard-wired to emotionally attach to their care-givers.

But that doesn't mean he isn't damaging her with his erratic moods and teaching her shitty life lessons. Such as, you just accept someone's ill-treatment and say it's OK even when it isn't.

I rent and it's always been in my name as I had it before we got together so he will go back to his mums

Yes I totally get that, she will be upset which is what I'm saying I'm not looking forward to

But I understand it's over and should have done it before but I do realise that now

What I'm asking, how ? When he gets back tomorrow ask him to leave ? Does he take his things in front of lo? I'm so anxious at the thought x

Can you send your daughter to your mum's for the night? If you can, just tell him it's over, you're not going to be debating your decision, and he needs to leave now.

No because she isn't staying at my mums at the moment because she's vulnerable so she doesnt have anywhere to go other than her dads but I don't want to wait for the weekend I want him to leave tomorrow

Maybe I just talk to him in the day and ask him to pack a bag and then come back at the weekend to finish packing ?

Whatever it takes to get him gone. Send him a text when he's at work and pack a bag for him to pick up outside the door. Whatever. Just be brave and end it.