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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need a handhold told DH to leave

39 replies

Rosiedo · 01/02/2021 18:43

Just as the title said. I have suspected DH to be cheating he kept denying it. I checked his phone to see if I could get evidence, but couldn’t find anything. He is always on WhatsApp but I can’t get into it as it has fingerprint security.

This morning, when he went to work, I happened to check his search history on his tablet and found him searching for ways to clear your call log on your smartphone (it isn’t that hard)?????? How to hide your call and message history for specific phone numbers etc.

That was all the evidence I needed.

Of course he has denied it and is saying he did that because he knew I would go through his phone!!!!!! He what have you got to hide??

Even though this has happened, I’m heartbroken, i still love him. I gave him 36 years (married 31) of my life. I’m 50 in a couple of weeks and I cannot believe I’m in this position.

OP posts:

DreadAndFear · 05/02/2021 12:01

I know how much this hurts but the love you feel for him will turn to anger, which makes it a little easier.

Just wanted to say we'll done to you for not allowing yourself to be treated like a fool for any longer.

Original poster

Rosiedo · 05/02/2021 12:03

Thank you Sakurami I hope your right and I do go on to have an amazing life, it’s just not a life I thought I would ever have. I just want him.

I no it would have worked anyway as he wasn’t happy, he couldn’t have been if he was just going to stay in another country and not come home. One of the websites he was on was hiring someone to find you property in the country he was working in. He was online checking out the value of our house.

He said he is signing the house over to me (there is no mortgage) and he isn’t taking any of the equity and I’m not touching his pension. He has told the kids this is what’s happening too so I’m hoping he isn’t going to let them down

OP posts:

Sakurami · 05/02/2021 13:13

I think before you make any agreements, speak to a good lawyer or a few. With such a long marriage you may be entitled to quite a bit, including pension.

goody2shooz · 05/02/2021 13:43

Here’s a second vote to speak to a lawyer, for the sake of your children as well as yourself. Don’t just accept what he offers - he is not your friend and has proved himself to be untrustworthy. You really do need a lawyer to help you here. Good luck 💐

Hopeisnotastrategy · 05/02/2021 14:00

He doesn't get to decide what you get, you are married and one way or another the assets will be fairly split. Do you know the value of his pension and any other assets? If not, the time to start finding out is now. Look after your own position and get the documents together/ take copies etc.

I'm sorry you are going through this, things will get easier. 💐

EarthSight · 05/02/2021 14:38

The only thing he has admitted was when he was working away, he wasn’t going to come back!!!!! He was basically going to abandon us. I can’t believe he would do that.

That's shocking. With that, it sounds like not only he was going to divorce you, but his family generally!! You have my sympathies and I wish you healing through this difficult time 💐

Original poster

Rosiedo · 05/02/2021 15:28

I’m not sure how the pension thing works. On the most recent statement, I think the value is about £160,000. The house is valued about £250k - £300k.
I don’t have a pension.

I really don’t care about anything else other than my house.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosiedo · 05/02/2021 15:28

Sorry posted too soon....... BUT I will seek legal advice

OP posts:

HighSpecWhistle · 05/02/2021 15:42

@Rosiedo

Thank you Sakurami I hope your right and I do go on to have an amazing life, it’s just not a life I thought I would ever have. I just want him.

:( You don't want him. You want the him you thought he was. Who he isn't and never will be again.

He doesn't want the relationship anymore and he lacks the spine to be upfront and work on it.

You will move on and be happy because you haven't got a choice. You're a lovely person and will hopefully meet similar people on the future. He on the otherhand will likely have a lot of drama and lies in his future.

I guess once the heat and shock has worn off you have two options. 1) sink. 2) swim. I suspect you'll swim better than you thought you ever could.

HelpNeeded2021 · 05/02/2021 17:11

I think if those figures are accurate then you are better off accepting that deal before lawyers get involved and charge you a lot of money to come to the same conclusion.

Is there any way you can sell and buy somewhere smaller and invest the rest for a pension?

Original poster

Rosiedo · 05/02/2021 18:06

HelpNeeded2021 no I can’t sell the house. I need 4 bedrooms, I don’t want to say why, but it’s connected to what I do.

Even if I get say £200k that won’t be enough for a 4 bedroomed house and I would need a 4 bedroomed house. Unless i get a 3 bedroomed house and I sleep on the couch but let’s face it that’s not practical and the children can’t share.

So if he forces me to sell, well let’s just say it’s more than me who suffers.

OP posts:

Itstimetoquit · 08/02/2021 10:11

How are you opx

2020iscancelled · 08/02/2021 10:26

You need to speak to a solicitor

Ring one today, one with a good reputation, see if you can get a recommendation for anyone local.

You MUST talk to a solicitor to understand your position. You have kids, you have a house with no mortgage, he has a pension etc. There are assets.
Do not leave it so that he can start shifting around money etc.

You’re in the house now so go though all the papers you can find, pull all the financials you know about.

Print out anything you need in case he managed to get hold of the laptop and delete things.

I know you will be absolutely heartbroken and you will just want your old life back. But that is gone, he was planning on leaving you and never coming back.

He cannot be trusted to be respectful or fair towards you so you MUST protect yourself and your kids.

Even if you want to try 23 hours of the day you must spend that other hour being productive and protecting your interests. It is really important.

You don’t want to wake up in 3 months when you decide you’re angry and no longer heartbroken and realise he’s fiddled with all the money and managed to screw your future over.

OP you will be ok. It hurts now but it won’t always hurt. Focus on the practical and get your shit in order.

steadyasugo · 09/02/2021 11:44

hi rosiedo, i think that you need to prioritise what you want , this might block him doing what he wants

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