Mixed messages and boyfriend meeting my exH

[Junping]

Ive been dating a man 18 months, recently he moved to a city to start a new job and now lives 50 miles away. We agreed to carry on dating and he is my support bubble, we see each other most weekends. I usually travel to him as he has a dog he cant leave overnight (not ideal, I'm tired of the travelling).

Recently he has kept asking if my exH knows about our relationship. I told him exH knows I'm dating. Then, even though boyfriend rarely visits me due to his dog, he offered to help me and exH with advice to sell our old 'shared' business, he offered to visit it and get involved for the day (he doesnt have any qualifications in the area but said he wanted to help).

Then I saw a wardrobe on a local selling site that I though bf may want, he said yes. So I'm collecting it but have no where to store, so bf suggested exH may help store it as he knows he has a garage. He said he could then collect from exH.

I'm really confused. In a lot of ways bf is not really committing at all, he doesnt visit me due to the dog, I do all the travel since he moved. He hasn't met my children or me his (its been discussed but he has delayed), we were going to introduce each other as 'friends'. But he seems to want to meet exH even if only briefly. I dont even know how I would explain this to exH, just seems a baffling situation 'exH, meet my bf of 18 months who never visits me and doesnt want to meet our kids'.

Any ideas?

His constant demands to meet your ex are huge red flags. If I was your ex I would be a. Irritated b. Worried.

It's strange behaviour I would call him out on it. Try and get the reason why he is so obsessed with your ex

I would make my excuses, ex isn't able to hold your storage. I wouldn't invest much into the relationship, I think your quite right to feel guarded, he's moved away since knowing you, he doesn't travel to you and no plans to meet your family.
His behaviour is a bit strange maybe he's suspicious that you are not separated but that's his problem.

I sort of wonder if his desire to meet your ex is driven by a feeling of smugness/power - "I'm fucking your wife now."

Why can he not bring the dog to yours or board it? Honestly it just sounds like he isn't that keen.

In the past he used to ask if exH knew about us, for a long time I didn't tell exH because I didn't know if the relationship was going anywhere. Then I did tell exH (brief details, exH not really fussed) but bf still hasn't told his exW they are definitely divorced, seen the paperwork. Bf said he wanted to meet kids but then seemed to lose interest after he moved away. He's still happy to see me though...I guess it is a good relationship for him and no heavy commitment.

I'm wondering if he wants to meet exH either because he's insecure and wants to know there's no competition or maybe there are control issues of some sort. We briefly discussed me moving to his area, but he looked uneasy when he said 'where will your exH live, will he move areas too?'.

He sounds like a weirdo, what are you doing with him?

I think I'd blow this one off. He sounds weird - and I couldn't be bothered constantly travelling 50 miles to see someone that had moved away and wouldn't make the effort.

I'd feel like I was chasing someone who was disinterested and I'm not prepared to do that. The fact that he's changed his mind about meeting your kids suggests he doesn't see this as being long term.

Will your ex store his wardrobe for him.
I wouldn’t but then I don’t believe in being friendly with exs unless children are involved. ( I know you have dc) just say no. 🤷‍♀️

Somethings not right here. It seems like you are the one doing all the running. Even getting him furniture. While he doesn’t seem to do anything for you?

Do you like dogs, did you discuss him bringing the dog with him one time to try and see if it would work? If you were going to be together then you’d need to be around the dog so why not now?

I don’t think I’d get the wardrobe for him as you may be out of pocket and stuck with it, so as a pp suggested, I’d say that storage at ex’s is not possible sorry.

Re meeting each other’s kids, some people seem to do that within a few weeks but I’ve always felt that you do that once you think your relationship is stable and that you’re ready to proceed to the next stage. It wouldn’t be fair to introduce children to multiple ‘friends’ of a parent. So it could be that he’s just finding his feet in this new town, and doesn’t know if you’re the one for him, so is keeping you along for the ride but not wanting to upset his kids by introducing them to you one month and you’ve split the next.

A good talk is reqd.

I get on with my exH in general, but tbh if he asked me to store something for his gf I would be a bit put out.

I agree, it feels really odd. Surely you want to meet kids before getting involved with an exH, after all, if the relationship progressed then its the kids you'd have most contact with, whereas exH very little contact..

Weird.
Is he trying to prove he's the alpha male?

Very odd. I'd see this as a red flag. I'd ask why he is obsessed with your exh

I dont know...I'm guessing it is probably insecurity and you're right, if he knows he's the 'alpha male' then maybe that will give him confidence to pursue the relationship

Naaah.

The guy has moved away, you're doing all the running around, he's put the brakes on meeting the children.

I don't think you should be reading this as him needing confidence to pursue the relationship. I think you should be reading this as bizarre obstacles he's going to put up because he's not really into it.

I reckon he was planning to secrete himself in said wardrobe and sneak into your exes house.

@category12 yeah you may be right, maybe he just wants an ego boost because I guess if he was keen on pursuing the relationship it would be the kids he would want to meet.

Thanks for the views, obv hes not likely to tell me why if I ask.

Very odd. I'd ditch this one.

If he was keen to be with you, he'd make an effort to travel to see you.

For a start of he wanted anything serious with you and your kids why did he move so far away? Doesn't add up for me...

Ah that’s really weird. Maybe he wants a threesome ...

Why did you let him get involved with your business for the day? Was your ex their? This is really odd.

I'm intrigued by this.
I can only think he's a control freak, and this is some kind of an obsessive need to have some kind of access to OP's previous lover.

@Hammonds I didn't let him get involved with the business, he offered to help for the day. Seemed like a strange offer, considering he has lost interest in meeting kids etc. He wanted me to put the offer to exH. He has also encouraged me to sell the shared business.

I would not be taking business advice from him if I were you

I agree with pp, if he was keen to be with you, he would make the effort to travel to see you. The dog is just an excuse.