Hi all - I wonder if anyone else experiences 'fear of intimacy' challenges?
Sorry, a long post but I'd love to get the perspective of others who perhaps have an avoidant attachment style, or have challenges with self doubt and relating issues.
I'm in my early 40s and have been deliberately single for a few years now, dealing with some old ghosts, travelling, healing depression, getting comfortable in my own skin etc, and I was generally not interested in that side of life for a while. However in October I decided to dip a toe in dating again. I wasn't especailly looking to find a realtionship, more just keen to date and see how it was.
Just so you know I am very much someone who thinks relationships are just one aspect of life and by no means the be all and end all, as society sometimes suggests!
I went online expecting nothing more than the usual collection of annecdotes and funny stories! But the first person I met up with totally surprised me. I was very reluctant as I think I had already decided online dating doesn't produce healthy people - plus he was no where near my usual type, just seemed 'normal' which felt like a good place to cut my teeth! But we seemed to be aligned in where we were in life, despite very different lives, and just took one date at a time... each time the answer to 'do you want to meet again' being 'yes'. No need to think any further than that.
When lockdown arrived we decided to form a support bubble as we were enjoying getting to know one another, and neither of us were in a bubble so it was legal and not putting anyone else at risk. Due to the pandemic the only place we could date from then, and not freeze, was our own homes, which perhaps sped things up unknowingly.
A few months later we are still seeing each other, and I have reached that place where the fearful part of me tries to find things wrong!! I'm used to that. I had a tricky upbringing and know all about my trust issues. I've spent many years working with therapists and am a very different person than I was, but I am aware of the old 'friends' that arise when it comes to getting close.
This guy is a wonderful person. Hes strighforward and kind and thinks I'm great. Plus he's emotinally secure and healthy!! He lets me be me and is respectful of who and how I am. Our values are aligned and we want the same things out of life. Neither of us were 'looking'. I found an old list i had made of essential qualities I know i need, and he has all of them. We clearly have chemistry, and have a good time on the sex front - although I dont look at him and want to rip his clothes off, I'm sort of glad of that as extreme hormones get in the way for me emotionally! He's an attractive person but it's who he is and our connection that gets me going.
What's interesting is that all this seems to be more about where he and I are in ourselves in our lives, knowing who we are and with the space and desire to be close to another, than it is some sort of miraculous love story. And also the timing of us crossing paths and so on. That doesn't sound very romantic, but my whole approach to life is so different these days.
My fear is that my natural human desire to be close to someone is all this is, and what if i am missing something. I think I have taken for granted how connected we are, as it can be so hard in life to meet even friends these days, let alone someone you can have a relationship with.
But shouldn't I think this guy is the best human in the world? My sister and her partner are gooey smitten with each other after years and it's hard to measure up to - i've never met another couple like them! But I'm not sure i would ever be like that in my personality. How do i test that I'm not just nestling into something safe and confortable and that this is really someone I want to go large with. I've made so many mistakes in the past, how do i relax and leap in and stop questioning myself. Can it really be this simple?!
We've been at a huge advantage to have had this time together with, unusually, no distraction or input from friends or family. I'm prepared that things could feel drifferent when life is 'normal'.
Amyway, thank you for listening to my waffle. Maybe someone else out there has taken a nervous chance on something before and can encourage me! Best to all x