I’ll try to keep it short
Married for 21 years , most of them pretty happily , however things have changed .
There are so many things that have happened over the last few years that have really made me suspect DH has cheated . A few years ago I found a Condom wrapper in the back of his jeans . He’d been out late with his mates . I wasn’t snooping I picked them iff the floor , I was obviously really upset , he accused me of putting it there myself !!!! Then he said he must have picked it up off the floor of our bedroom ( we sometimes use them ). I went on and on he just denied everything and said he’d done nothing wrong and that he didn’t know what it was doing there . I wanted to believe him so so bad , I pushed it to the back of my mind , but there’s been other things since , I found a woman’s jumper in the back of our car , not my size. I asked him about it and he was like I saw it on the back seat and thought it was yours so put it in the boot . Then he said it’s not like I’m cheating , no woman is going to go home without her top. I thought about it and agreed , surely if he had cheated he’d have noticed if she left it , and even more so wouldn’t have put it in the boot of OUR car . Fast forward to this weekend . He asks me if I want to go night fishing , knowing full well I hate it . I said no thanks , so he gets ready and takes his fishing stuff and heads out at 7.30 pm sat , gets in at 5 am Sunday . Climbs into bed , turns his back to me and takes my hand to drape over him like I’m cuddling him from behind .He never does that , he always cuddles up to me facing me . I just had a feeling . I rolled him over and could smell perfume over his chest . Obviously I went mad , I grabbed his t shirt which stank of perfume . He got really mad and said I was fucking controlling him and he can’t even go out fishing in peace without me smelling his clothes . I went into the spare room , the realisation has hit me that he just does what he wants he doesn’t give a shit about me at all
Tonight I came in and he starts on me saying if I’m unhappy it’s my fault because no one else can smell perfume , and that I control him .
I certainly don’t , he does what he wants on his own terms and blames me for everything that goes wrong . He hates me if I ask him any questions about anything that he deems were too long ago to matter .
He said I’m always accusing him of cheating. I told him I never thought about it till I found an empty Condon wrapper in his pocket . He replied that was about 4 years ago , you still going on about that .
Honest to god , he twists my head so much . I don’t know which way is up . I know what I see snd feel but he says I’m wrong . How can I be wrong to feel something .
I know so many people are going to be going well it’s your fault , you should have left after the Condon incident . I really do know that .I tried so hard to believe him and I just pushed all doubt away , bloody stupid I know
I spoke to a lawyer in sept last year, not so much divorce , more settlement ( she advised to get the financial stuff sorted out , as divorce is very straightforward )as I know he’s going to make my life as hard as possible , I didn’t chase it up as it was 4K and I couldn’t afford it , but I’m going to save up ( luckily I have another job since speaking to her in sept )and I’m going to go with her ,. I do feel really scared about that aspect , when he gets that letter in the post from her saying she’s representing me all hell will break out
I dont have any family or friends I can talk to I’m so embarrassed and disappointed in myself . Honestly I feel so worthless right now , like I’m scared to make any move in case it’s the wrong one . He always tells me whatever decision I make it’s wrong snd I’m stupid for deciding that .
Sorry that was long , I didn’t mean it to be , Don’t even know what I’m looking for here , just to vent , or have someone tell me I’m not crazy . I m just lost .