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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a bad idea?

22 replies

Ilikechocs · 01/02/2021 08:44

I’ve been with my partner for 2 and a half years after divorcing and buying my exH out of the family home. I have school age 3 children and am financially managing well.

My partner and I have had initial discussions about moving in together, into my house as it’s big enough for us all (he lives alone.) He owns his own house and his mortgage is almost paid off.

One of his suggestions is that he sells his property and buys into half of mine as this would pay off my mortgage. He would then own 50% of the value and his 50% would be his to share amongst his own children when he dies. I would be allowed to live in the house until I die. He would be responsible for doing all maintenance jobs in the house and garden and would pay 1/5 of utilities etc (I know!) as there’s one of him and four of us.

I suggested he rent out his own property until we see how things go but he doesn’t want to do that.

I have concerns. Firstly if we were to split at any point, I would have to buy him out at half the value of the house. I couldn’t go through that a second time. Secondly, I’ve worked hard to get where I am and am comfortable, wanting to make sure my own children are protected in the future. They would end up with less. To me my children are my absolute priority.

Am I right to be wary?

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/02/2021 08:48

I think it's a terrible idea to do this while your children are still at home and any split would be incredibly messy and the upheaval would be awful. You should keep your finances separate.

user1493413286 · 01/02/2021 08:52

I wouldn’t do it immediately and I don’t think I’d do it while you’re children are still living at home as if you split it risks a lot of upheaval. Why doesn’t he want to rent his place out?
I also think him only paying 1/5 of utilities is fair; I’m not against him paying a bit less but he’s getting a very good deal out of it as at his he must have to pay council tax, sky, internet etc. I actually don’t know if I’d be moving in with someone who thought that was fair.

RUOKHon · 01/02/2021 08:54

That house is your children’s inheritance. Don’t give half of it to him.

Ilikechocs · 01/02/2021 10:53

Thank you everyone. The one thing I like about this site is the ability of others to help me see sense!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2021 10:58

NOPE. No fucking way.

I suggested he rent out his own property until we see how things go but he doesn’t want to do that.

I would be very wary of this man.

Shesheadingonin · 01/02/2021 11:02

Trust your gut. In my opinion, he would have two options. He rent his place and move in with you paying his way or he stays where he is and you continue living in your own homes. The fact he doesn’t want to rent his place out would immediately set alarm bells off.

Shesheadingonin · 01/02/2021 11:04

I’m currently going through a divorce and I can quite honestly say I would never mix finances with a partner again! Anything I leave behind is solely for my kids.

LookingUpIn21 · 01/02/2021 11:06

No no no.

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2021 11:09

No of course not, how foolhardy,

He needs to rent his out and live with you while. But you can’t be selling him half your house, that’s batshit.

Flyingf1edgelings · 01/02/2021 11:11

He pays 1/5 Confused he is taking the mick. Do not do this he is the only one this arrangement would benefit.

midnightstar66 · 01/02/2021 11:12

Nooo, re the buying half the house and the 1/5 bills. 50% is fine dc don't pay bills and he's paying 100% currently

WhatWouldZenoDo · 01/02/2021 11:13

Why doesn't he want to rent out his house?

After disentangling yourself financially from one man, he should understand why you don't want to race in to getting financially entangled again.

I wouldn't even want him to move in.

I'm suspicious of his unwillingness to rent out his house because that sounds like a great plan. Why Wouldn't he want that?

WhatWouldZenoDo · 01/02/2021 11:14

@Shesheadingonin

I’m currently going through a divorce and I can quite honestly say I would never mix finances with a partner again! Anything I leave behind is solely for my kids.
yes.
Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 11:15

No no no.

Can you wait until the children are older? You haven't been together that long and moving in is a big step.
Try a trial period first if you can't wait.

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2021 11:16

That's a seriously bad idea. So your kids would get half your house and his kids get his house and half of yours. No way in hell!

Why doesn’t he want to rent his out? You could do a 6 month trial to see if you can live with him. Tbh though if he thinks that paying a fifth of bills is fair i wouldn't move in with him. He sounds grabby, wanting to feather his nest with assets you've worked for. Has he shown signs of being financially controlling/ coercive before?

WhatWouldZenoDo · 01/02/2021 11:17

And if you did split, how would you buy back his half?

Just why would you take the risk?

He sounds like he's trying to trap you in to staying with him.

MossandRoy · 01/02/2021 11:17

Nope, not on your nelly. And as for 1/5 of bills? This is definitely a wannabe cocklodger. Do not do what he suggests. He'll get his feet under the table then orchestrate a split. Possibly. Just stick to your guns. You've worked to get some stability. It's worth hanging on to.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 11:18

How does he get on with your children?

You would be a family. A blended family. Him saying 1/5 of the bill's makes me think he doesn't see it that way. Are you going to count how many showers you each have for the water bill and do separate food shopping?
What's the point?

Bananalanacake · 01/02/2021 11:19

Tell him you've thought about it and you will only discuss living together when the last of your DC has moved out. His reaction will tell you everything.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 11:20

Also he would be benefiting from the sale of his house and then half of yours. And you lose half your house. Is that correct?

Careful.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 11:21

Sorry I worded that wrong. Sale of his house and he gets half of yours.

LaVieEnDoze · 01/02/2021 11:59

Yes, this is a terrible idea.

Presumably you're thinking of the advantage to you being that you'll have more disposable income as you won't be spending on rent. The flip side of that is that you will have no security in your home for yourself or your children.

You have no control over whether or when he may choose to leave and/or want or need to sell his half of the house. You have no control over whether or not the value of your house will increase in the meantime and therefore no way of knowing whether you would be able to get a mortgage big enough to buy him out should that happen.

At the very least you should be saving all the money you would have spent on the mortgage as a buffer against that eventuality (and even then, there are no guarantees), and he has told you that you will be no better off bills-wise than you are now. Therefore you will not in fact have any more disposable income than you do now!

Does he think you will? Does he have plans for how you should be spending that 'extra' money? Do those plans benefit him? Forgive the cynicism - he may simply be convinced that you will be together forever, so what's the problem etc. etc. - but nice as he may be, your children's what's is not going to be his number one priority.

Either way this does not strike me as a smart plan and, as you know, your children's security has to come first.

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