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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Snoring husband lonely marriage

11 replies

Missireland20 · 01/02/2021 01:07

Hi I've never posted before so please be kind if possible as my mood is just thread bare.

I'm 37 and have 2dc ,6mths and 3. My husband and I are together six years. married 3. I am financially secure and we live in my house. He is also financially secure and helps me with house bills etc. We both work ft.
My husband is a recovering alcoholic. Sober 13 years. Can be extremely selfish and prone to moodiness if he is not working or earning money. He is a great daddy and I commend him all the time . He never compliments me or shows me much affection. He doesn't really know how I think but he is a good man.
Anyhow the issue is He snores very badly and we argue A LOT over this. We sleep separate room as he was wakening the baby snoring. Added to this he is a huge conspiracy theorist and believes paedophiles are taking over the world and covid is a ruse. He's extremely anti vaccine and won't allow any of us to get the vacicne. His family are fully of the same view as him.
I've become so disillusioned and confused lately. My sister has recently told me I've become a shadow of my former self. My brother has told me he says I'm no craic anymore.
I should add I work incredibly hard and I often feel like a single mother. I look after the children seven days a week. My husband works 6am -7pm and he would work on a Sunday if he could. He doesn't know the children's routine. I feed bath clothes them etc. I often feel invisible. But I adore the children and don't mind .
We don't socialise ever (pre covid) because he won't go out socially. He doesn't like any where there is drink involved. I attend alanon to help me understand the alcoholic but truth be told I'm finding my life incredibly hard work. Lonely. And if we ever row , which we do every few weeks, he always isolates me and stops speaking to me for days. Absolutely never says sorry.
I apologize for long post.
Any advice ? Am I being unreasonable looking for more for my life.

OP posts:
Whitecup4 · 01/02/2021 01:13

How can he be a great dad if he doesn’t even know his own children’s routine??

Sounds horrible, I would get the vaccine if I wanted it, it’s your body so your decision.

Maybe he could go doctors about the snoring.

If he does t like going out that’s fine, as long as he never stops you going out.

Couldn’t be with someone who never says sorry, no one is perfect including him!

CaffeineInfusion · 01/02/2021 01:21

In the kindest possible way... Move on.

Find someone you can't live without. Not someone you can barely live with.

Missireland20 · 01/02/2021 08:57

Thanks all. I know he's s good man but I don't know if we are a good match. I like to socialise and mix with friends and family but he doesn't. I used to really love him but since covid came in and the second child it's become very hard and I'm not sure if it's just covid or life but I can see him changing esp around covid conspiracy stuff.

OP posts:
actanonverba22 · 01/02/2021 15:24

OP did he show affection before or is this new? It breaks my heart to read your post. My husband works nights so I know how lonely it can be to be the only one doing everything with DC. However, he should be telling you that you are doing an amazing job everyday because you are. It’s the toughest gig around with a toddler in lock down let alone a baby as well. We’re here for you

Might be an idea to ask HQ to move the thread to relationships as there is a lot of good advice there rather than on chat.

chestnutSquash · 01/02/2021 15:32

This is awful.
Please either get this moved, or post again in relationships. You will get lots of advice and support there.
Flowers

ReggaePerrin · 01/02/2021 15:35

Good grief, OP, I haven't even finished reading your first post and I can tell you now he is not a good man!

I would say you're lonely in your marriage because of his behaviour more than his snoring Flowers

soniamumsnet · 02/02/2021 08:39

Hi @Missireland20 we've moved this over to the 'relationships' folder for you, where hopefully some Mumsnetters will be along with some useful advice. Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2021 08:57

The snoring is really just the tip of a bloody great iceberg.

What made you write the "great daddy" comment?. Women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" or versions of it also when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You have not written one positive thing about him; that should tell you a great deal.

He absolutely needs to be out of your day to day lives now; you are all being dragged down with him and your siblings have indeed noticed a change in you. Your children see in you a constantly preoccupied and otherwise stressed out mother and your H is the root cause of all this. What do you want them to remember about their childhoods, this is no relationship model to at all be showing them.

What keeps you with him even now; your own issues relating to codependency?. The children?. They will not say thanks mum to you if you choose to stay with him.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of this so what is it?. I mention codependency as alcoholism and codependency often go hand in hand.

newtb · 02/02/2021 21:00

Alcoholics are often paranoid, even when they've stopped drinking, and the paranoia persists. Sadly, it does permanent damage. The GP told me that - XH was/is an alcoholic.

Eckhart · 02/02/2021 22:52

Why are you so insistent he's a good man? You've detailed quite a list of ways in which he is not nice, or understanding or loving or accommodating or respectful. Nice people don't do those things. If people do those things and do nice things as well, that doesn't mean they are nice people.

Was one of your parents a drinker, by any chance?

Haffiana · 02/02/2021 23:16

He's extremely anti vaccine and won't allow any of us to get the vacicne. His family are fully of the same view as him.

Won't 'allow'? So, your views are of no importance? How did that happen?

We don't socialise ever (pre covid) because he won't go out socially. He doesn't like any where there is drink involved.

What would happen if you went out without him?

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