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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i left my partner 4 weeks ago.....and now he's dropped a bombshell

24 replies

queenrollo · 30/10/2007 22:40

tonight my ex decided to tell me that just 4 weeks after we split he is 'sort of' seeing one of our mutual friends....
i've texted her and told her they could have waited a bit longer and also that i don't want her anywhere near my son.

even though it is over i am devastated and feel utterly betrayed. i was being so reasonable about everything like not selling the house because the ex loves it and wants to keep it....and now i'm so mad i'm feeling like i'm going to put it on the market anyway and take my share.

i am so pissed off......

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 30/10/2007 22:42

If he's your ex, and you left him, why are you bothered?

MaryBleedinShelley · 30/10/2007 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnquietDad · 30/10/2007 22:43

says in the header that she did.

MaryBleedinShelley · 30/10/2007 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamazombie · 30/10/2007 22:44

why? i do kind of understand it. you feel as though he shoudl still be devestated at yoru leaving, not capable of thinking about a new relationship.
you feel that he is still partly your property and even though you dont necessarily want him your firend shouldn't be allowwd to have him either/

BUT i think you need to try and remain adult about this.

he is single now, YOUR choice. he can date who he wants

MrsLynetteScavo · 30/10/2007 22:46

At least he's told you.

snowleopard · 30/10/2007 22:47

I can see why you're bothered if the person is your friend too - it doesn't matter who left who, that's hard to deal with. When you've had a break-up you need your friends' support. And just because you're the one brave enough to do the leaving, doesn't always mean it's easy for you.

choosyfloosy · 30/10/2007 22:50

Errgh. Horrible. My xh was going out with someone else six weeks after I left him (not a friend though). Annoyingly I believe they are still together 7 years later - longer than we were together!

It's an absolute bugger but that's what happens. I think you can be sure that there was no overlap with you, which is good, and it is great that he is tellin you this stuff. Oh but it is horrible. Feel for you.

Original poster
queenrollo · 30/10/2007 23:03

he said he didn't want to sneak around behind my back....i can't fault him on his honesty.
last week he said he still loved me and wanted counselling to fight for our relationship. now he says he's realised he doesn't love me. he's always had feelings for our friend but pushed them away because we were together. i know she had feelings for him because i'm not blind........

i am genuinely shocked that i am so upset about this......there is so much more to this, as regards why our relationship ended but i can't write it down. it all comes out wrong......

strangely....i wondered why i hadn't heard from her for a while.....

OP posts:
dd666 · 30/10/2007 23:14

you obviously did the right thing for you and your son so let him do as he pleases but when he comes back when everything has gone wrong remember why you left him hugs

LucifersLuckyUnderpants · 30/10/2007 23:25

i can understand why you are upset, just because you left him doesnt mean you have shut off all your feelings, i think when a relationship breaks up there is always a grieving period. I have recently split from my xp and although i know i did the right thing i think i would still be upset if he started seeing somebody else so soon.

Although he has every right to see who he likes now it doesnt make it any easier on you that he is now seeing one of your friends! so of course you would be bothered, unless you were emotionless and had no feelings.

PurpleOne · 31/10/2007 15:13

4 weeks?

My exh was in bed with someone else, after me and dc's left the marital home. It only took him 2 days.

Nevertheless, it still must hurt. Give yourself some time, cut the slack and open a bottle of wine tonight.

MascaraOHara · 31/10/2007 15:15

Believe me from very recent experience I know it hurts when your ex moves on (esp. if it's someone you know) even if it was your decision.

Just because it doesn't work between two people doesn't mean you just stop feeling, however irrational.

duke748 · 31/10/2007 21:31

I'm afraid my ex dp didn't even wait until I had left the home! See thread called 'is this cheating?'.

I know that sick horrible feeling you have. But I promise you it will pass..... I was just saying to my friend that it is really hard to see through it when you ar ethere but with a bit of time your perspective changes and it becomes OK.

Moan away to your friends and keep a dignified silence when it comes to them.

But yes, I feel your pain. Men - why can't they stand on their own two feet for a while????

WinkyWinkola · 31/10/2007 22:54

It's all still very raw for you. I don't blame you at all for being upset.

He's crying on her shoulder. It probably won't last.

It was wrong of her, if she's a friend, to get involved in this so soon. She's obviously not someone you can trust or rely on.

He can say he's always had feelings for her etc. Blah de blah. Do you think he's trying to hurt you?

Don't get drawn into any slanging matches with this woman. Let them get on with their romance and you'll see that it'll more than likely end pretty quickly.

Original poster
queenrollo · 01/11/2007 17:43

we are still living under the same roof....so avoiding each other.
yesterday was bad for me, i was very angry and bitter. sent her a few texts, nothing too bad. i asked her if she felt at all bad for how much this had hurt me and she said no because as they see it they've done nothing wrong and have nothing to be guilty about. i accept that they are free to be with each other, i'm more hurt that she is totally unbothered by the hurt it caused a so called friend.
things have come to light today that make me realise ex's inisistence that the monday they spoke and realised how they felt was the first time it came up is a blatent lie. But without betraying a confidence i can't tell him this. he swears they have done nothing physical, and i have always believed him to be a very honest man (one of his better qualities) but as i have caught him out in several lies the last few weeks, but can't confront him about them....i'm not inclined to believe him.
i have taken a step back. sod them, i need to get on with MY life. i have told her i will never forgive her for this......and for the time being she is not to be around my ds, because it is too raw for me to be thinking of them going out and doing the family fun stuff that we used to do.
today ex and i have recieved some extremely sad news about two very close friends of ours and so we are now living in a very awkward atmosphere because we are united in our grief foe these very dear friends but at the same time unable to comfort each other over it.

OP posts:
nutcracker · 01/11/2007 17:46

Doesn't make the slightest bit of difference wether you left him or not, imo it still hurts like hell, especially when it is with someone you know.

Not really got any advice tbh as I fell apart when I discovered the same thing.

aleciawalton · 02/11/2007 19:35

i can understand why your upset... i would be too.

Original poster
queenrollo · 02/11/2007 19:41

feeling much better now.....it has forced the issues of money, which ex is now getting for me so i can move out and get on with my life.

OP posts:
maximummummy · 02/11/2007 23:38

me and dd's dad split (my decision) when i was 5 months pregnant , a month before dd was born i found out he was seeing one of my best friends - i definately didn't want him but i was still shocked and upset about my "friend"

maximummummy · 02/11/2007 23:40

by the way my daughter was 13 this month and they are still together

this might be something you'll have to get used too

slim22 · 03/11/2007 00:21

I really feel for you. It IS worse when you know the other person and when they are a mutual friend.
But honey, you'll have to get over it. You've gone separate ways, end of story.
Time is a healer.
Sending you lots of good wishes and hope you soon meet your transition guy
PS: still think he was out of line doing this so early since you are still under same roof with a child around. Regardless of the fact you are splitting, it's just insensitive. and bound to create more tension.

clam · 07/11/2007 20:26

I think it shows a gross lack of respect on both their parts which, while it probably goes with the territory with your dh, has probably come as a shock re: your ex-friend. Of course you're hurt - anyone with any sensitivity would be, and I expect it's compounded by the fact that you might feel foolish for liking and trusting her prior to this. And now she adds insult to injury by shrugging it off as if you're making a fuss about nothing. Sure, technically and legally they've done nothing wrong, but by decent people's standards, it's just not on.
I'm sending you warm support....... I hope you can move on from this horrid situation as soon as possible.

Janos · 07/11/2007 20:44

Totally understand your feelings queenrollo. Of course it hurts, you are only human. What deceitful and unkind behaviour from someone you considered a friend.

She doesn't deserve the title and should be thoroughly ashamed of herself.

Hurtful thought it is, maybe it shows you made the right decision...?

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