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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Argument got out of hand, need to talk :(

14 replies

cc1987 · 31/01/2021 22:38

Hello, Im new to writing threads so im not upto scratch with abbreviations ect but i really need to talk as im so lonely & sad.

Ive been with my Husband a long time since we were 16 were now in our mid 30s been married for 5 years now and have 2 beautiful girls. We have always had ups and downs and my husband has not always been a saint Ive gotten over alot of crap hes put me through in our younger years but one thing i will say he is loyal & faithful and theres no doubt in my mind that he would ever cheat. He is just very stubborn, hates being wrong and likes a drink! and thats been the root cause of alot of arguments over the years, but he forgets all this.

Anyway we had a drunken argument last weekend as he accused me joking around with our eldest daughter as me being a bully to her which deeply upset me because he obviously misread the situation! Of course i waited until children were in bed to talk to him but as we had both had some drinks being a saturday night it escalated quick as he wouldnt take it that he was wrong, now i admit that i drank more than I normally would due to being upset and we got into a huge row where he tried to walk away rather than sort out and i wouldnt let him as i hate going to bed on an argument! I started telling my husband i wanted him out the house and to leave as he got personal in the argument he got in my face and i pushed him ( hes never been violent towards me by the way) i even threatened to call the police if he didnt leave as he was saying he was going no where, id picked up my phone and he had smacked it out my hand.

Eventually we ended up going to bed and sleeping it off when we woke up i did apologise for my behaviour what i could remember as i don’t normally get that drunk but all he could do was remind me how awful i was and that i pushed him and that i threatened to call police ect i told him how sorry i was and of course i didnt want him to leave but he must have said things to make me react like that to which he went off on one saying im making excuses for myself even though i apologised.

All week and this weekend ive felt so alone awkward and not wanted in my own home by him, hes spoken to me when hes had to but when i try and talk about us he gets all irritated saying these things take time, he doesnt know how he feels about me now, he needs time to think meanwhile im left in the dark as he never talks about his feelings unless i ask hes always been the same. Im sat here tonight just wanting to cry i feel like the worse person in the world for how i behaved but he has done some pretty nasty things in the past to and ive got over them but i dare not say that to him. I don’t understand if you love each other you would much rather talk and get back on track surely? Than drag the pain out?

This is the first time hes ever made me feel like i don’t have him anymore, i feel like he hates me! and wouldnt care less if i ever came home again! Hes quite happy for us to sit and watch tv in silence, he makes no conversation with me! everytime i try to talk about us he gets irritated and shoots me down he has even said that even if it dont work between us we stay living together and civil for the kids! That its selfish to split up because of them, i told him in couldnt live like that knowing i was in a loveless relationship for the sake of the kids? I need that special someone to love and to love me to but apparently thats me being selfish...

im so sorry this is such a waffling thread but i hope someone will talk to me give your opinions because im so alone right now.

Thanks

OP posts:
4redSocks · 31/01/2021 22:41

You need to seek Counselling OP both of you and if your husband doesn’t want to I would do it alone.

Has your husband said that before staying together for the sake of the kids?

4redSocks · 31/01/2021 22:43

OP you have put your name on the post!!

cc1987 · 31/01/2021 22:45

Its not the first time ive heard him say it, hes always said that if we ever split up that he wouldnt move out because its not fair on the kids to come from a broken home and that we stay living together to make it normal for them.

OP posts:
TheChip · 31/01/2021 22:51

I'm sorry, but I can understand where your husband is coming from here.
You got aggressive with him, stopped him from walking away and then threatened to phone the police on him. You then keep making excuses up for your behaviour, and instead of owning it you add on "but he has done x in the past"

Give him time to come to terms with all of this. Use this time to recognise where you went wrong and how to make sure you dont behave that way again.

As a PP mentioned. Maybe seek therapy.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 31/01/2021 22:52

@cc1987

Its not the first time ive heard him say it, hes always said that if we ever split up that he wouldnt move out because its not fair on the kids to come from a broken home and that we stay living together to make it normal for them.
But that is not at all normal. Or heathy. And rather controlling. So basically, he says you cant end the relationship.

Do you work? Can you afford to run the home on your own?

OMGISeeTheWayYouShine · 31/01/2021 22:59

"he has done some pretty nasty things in the past to and ive got over them but i dare not say that to him."

This. Read this again. OP, you sound scared of him. Honestly to be honest you did the wrong thing probably in the argument but actually, it's unlikely that you would have reacted in such an extreme way without quite some provocation maybe from long term resentment of him and his behaviour.

What kind of nasty things has he done?

And the thing about not splitting because of the kids is all wrong, as I hope you know. Kids do much better in a happy, peaceful home with a single parent than with 2 parents who hate each other and high levels of tension.

cc1987 · 31/01/2021 23:01

Everytime ive tried to speak to him since ive owned upto it being my fault, i agree with why hes pissed at me to... but im struggling to understand why he dont want to talk or try to get past it, he seems so cold now and happy to sit in silence once the kids have gone to bed i just dont know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
TheChip · 31/01/2021 23:08

You could explain to him that you can not continue living this way. You either speak about it and work a way to move past it, or you go your seperate ways.

His version of wanting to stay together for the sake of the kids is not healthy for anyone.

cc1987 · 31/01/2021 23:11

Of course i have told him that its better for the children if it came to it that he didnt want us to be in a loving relationship anymore then its unfair on everyone to be pretending and living under the same roof but he sees it far differently and that we would be selfish to do it to them.
Things hes done in the past hes got really nasty with me in arguments things hes said to me about my appearance, shouting in my face, hes punched holes in doors, he took cocaine behind my back and lied to me about it even when i found it in our home! this was in his early 20s mind but he knew im anty drugs! He drinks every night... refuses to cut back, and then sometimes if hes upset or angry he will drink alot and mix his drinks.
He has even told me in arguments he never wanted kids or to get married but he did it all for me because he loves me... and to me thats just something you dont say!

OP posts:
TheChip · 31/01/2021 23:13

OP you deserve so much more than that. So do your kids.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 31/01/2021 23:17

Fucking hell op. He is appalling. He isnt loyal to you. That is nit loyalty. Cheating on you isnt the worst thing someone can do. Your line in the sand should be him being aggressive towards you. Him emotionally abusing you.

Healthy relationships dont look like this.

TiddyTid · 31/01/2021 23:22

From your last post, he's now got you cornered because you did what he's always done. "Do as I say, not as I do"

I wouldn't play this game, I'd go grey rock and get on with your daily life. Let him approach you.

Lineofconcepcion · 31/01/2021 23:22

So he doesn't want you but wants to remain in the house to continue to control you.

You need to get your ducks in a row for when you see the light . . .

4redSocks · 31/01/2021 23:32

The drink thing is a problem OP too. If your husband has a problem why are you also drinking at home with him?

I think there’s no point going on about the past OP. Accept it or move on! What do you want to do? Follow your own mind you don’t have to follow your husbands lead he doesn’t get to decide all the rules you can’t stay together just for the kids. That’s selfish of your husband.

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