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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn’t want to get married

28 replies

roastpotatoesss · 31/01/2021 21:38

NC’d for this.

I used to be married, we split seven years ago and got divorced two years after that. Ex-DH moved on very quickly (within weeks of the split) and is now married again. I met someone else about two years ago and I am very happy- my relationship with my ex was not a loving one and I truly believe that my now DP is the love of my life.

When we first met he knew I was divorced, and we had a conversation on one of our very early dates where he asked me if I would want to get married again- I answered honestly, which was that I didn’t know, but that getting divorced hadn’t massively put me off the idea of marriage or anything, and that I felt that was a good thing and I was glad my experience hadn’t made me jaded. I asked him if he ever wanted to marry, and he said he didn’t know because he’d never really had a serious enough relationship to see that an option. This was literally our third date, so more of a general conversation than anything specific to us.

Fast forward to now- we live together, we have a cat, we talk frequently and openly about the future. I have now realised that I do want to get married, to him. I feel like I messed it up the first time round by getting married young to the first person who would have me even though they didn’t really love me, because I grew up with very low self esteem and and unloving family. Now I have met the person I know I am meant to be with I would like the chance to know marriage in a supportive loving relationship.

My boyfriend, however, does not want to get married. We’ve never actually sat down and had the conversation- it’s not something I’d necessarily want right now which is why I haven’t brought it up before, but we were watching a TV programme with a stupid proposal in it the other day and he said something like “I’m glad I’ll never have to do that.” It felt like someone had punched me in the gut.

I realise I’m being stupid. One thing I do definitely know from experience is that getting married doesn’t guarantee anything, so why am I letting this effect how I feel when I am the happiest I’ve ever been, in a secure and loving relationship that I know will go the distance?

I don’t know what my question is really. I’m just being silly and want some sense talked into me I think! I just feel like I had my chance at married and I wasted it on the wrong man. Being married is something I always wanted from when I was little, and now I don’t know if I’ll ever get to experience it like I thought it would be.

Like I say- very silly! Can someone give my head a wobble please.

OP posts:

Outdoorsywithgin · 31/01/2021 21:41

Are you sure he wasn't just talking about the silly proposal?
My DH couldn't handle the thought of a big proposal, he's just not type of chap, but that didn't mean he didn't want marriage.

Shoxfordian · 31/01/2021 21:43

I don’t think you’re being silly but you do need to have a proper chat about marriage if it’s something you want

wishywashywoowoo70 · 31/01/2021 21:44

I would have asked what he meant. You'd have been able to get his intentions from him there and then. Just ask him though. It sounds like a great open relationship so you can just ask him

StephenBelafonte · 31/01/2021 21:46

Are you both equal, financially?

Itsjustaride8w737 · 31/01/2021 21:47

He may of made such a comment to get your attention, hoping you'd bring the subject up.

Just have an honest conversation, to be honest you've only been together two years!

category12 · 31/01/2021 21:49

Have a conversation with him about it.

Regularsizedrudy · 31/01/2021 21:51

It’s not silly to want to get married. I think you need to have a serious talk with him about where you both see this relationship going.

whydoyouhateclocks · 31/01/2021 21:54

Being married is something I always wanted from when I was little, and now I don’t know if I’ll ever get to experience it like I thought it would be.

What does being married mean to you here?

I grew up with very low self esteem and and unloving family.

Are you equating it with being loved? Having someone come along to fix your broken pieces and make you whole?

What meaning is causing your distress here?

You can experience love and positive self esteem without marriage.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2021 21:55

Please stop saying you’re being stupid or silly and minimising your very valid feelings!

How’s your self esteem at the moment...?

Talk to the man. You haven’t missed your chance. In a calm moment tell him you’ve been thinking about his comment on the tv proposal and tell him you wouldn’t want that either (if it’s true) and that you’d like to be married to him so what are his thoughts. Better to have an open honest conversation than to hold your thoughts or feelings inside and stew or feel hurt, especially when you don’t really know what he’s thinking.

You love this man, you make each other happy, share a life, you need to be able to talk about this stuff.

category12 · 31/01/2021 21:57

You're not being stupid. A casual conversation you had in the early days of your relationship is not the defining moment of it. Speak to him again about it and see how he responds.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 31/01/2021 21:58

Do you want to have children?

parietal · 31/01/2021 22:02

getting married is a legal contract - it links you to the other person in terms of finances & property ownership etc. It is not just a way of showing how much you love someone.

Think about it in terms of your long term future. are you planning to buy a house together? Or have children together? If so, being married is probably a good idea to protect you both. It doesn't have to be a big proposal or a fancy wedding. But the legal bit does matter.

Colourmeclear · 31/01/2021 22:02

Talk to him. Your piecing things together as little snippets. See what he says so you know where you're both at. Maybe he wants marriage without a big wedding, maybe he doesn't want to get married at all. Much better to have an open conversation and know where you both stand.

SunshineCake · 31/01/2021 22:06

I was with someone who didn't want to marry after his parents had a very acrimonious divorce. Even as I told people I'd rather just live with him than not have him I knew I was talking bollocks. I just didn't listen to myself.

I'm married to someone else now. Glad I didn't settle for less than I wanted. He's not the only man in the world. Not the only man you can love.

BackforGood · 31/01/2021 22:10

What Outdoorsywithgin said in the first reply

Original poster

roastpotatoesss · 01/02/2021 07:37

Thanks all, and thank you for being nice to me!

Some background to my previous marriage- he never really wanted to marry me and when things went south he would say I forced him or nagged him into it and he’d have been much happier if we hadn’t got married. I think that now means I am reluctant to bring it up or feel like I’ve nagged anyone into it again- if I do marry again I just want to feel like the person I’m marrying wants to marry me. However I do realise my previous dysfunctional relationship is responsible for those feelings- I am tackling this in therapy. To the PP who asked how my self esteem is- it’s never been great, but I don’t equate being married to being loved. This is why I felt silly, because I’m in the best and most loving relationship of my life and I don’t think that marriage will magically change that or mean he can’t leave me- I know from bitter experience that marriage makes no odds in that department!

He doesn’t want children and neither do I- we both clarified that upfront on our first date as we both feel very strongly about that. Regarding money- on the face of it it’s fairly equal, he earns a bit more than me but we’re both in the above average earners bracket. However he owns his flat and I live here and pay him rent- he owned it when we met and I just moved in.

Also to clarify I made a typo above- regarding the telly proposal he said “I’m glad I’ll never have to ask that.” So pretty clear in my mind. I know I should have confronted him then and there but honestly it caught me so off guard and then the moment passed!

HOWEVER I realise I’m an adult and so is he and if I want to marry this man I should be able to have an honest conversation with him so that’s what I’m going to do! Thanks everyone for giving my head a wobble, I think I knew all along what needed to be done I was just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

OP posts:

Dozer · 01/02/2021 07:42

You don’t want DC which gives you more options.

But you have no housing security at present, so assuming you don’t intend to buy property together would have a great ‘plan B’ and invest your money sensibly, minimising what you spend on his place, otherwise you’re subsidising his mortgage / increase in wealth to your detriment.

Your BF’s comment was crass, at best! Shitty thing to say to you.

Original poster

roastpotatoesss · 01/02/2021 07:57

There is 3 more years left on the fixed mortgage here, then the plan is for us to move and buy together- I have some deposit money that I got when my ex bought me out of our old place which I am saving for that reason. I do feel exposed with the rent situation though- I’m aware if we broke up tomorrow I’d be entitled to nothing and he’d have just had his mortgage half paid for two years. I think we need to get a cohabitation agreement drawn up (which is separate to this!)

Crass is exactly right, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I think I wasn’t aware that this is what I wanted until he said that.

OP posts:

litterbird · 01/02/2021 08:10

At least you know now that he doesn't want to marry you. Look at it as now you can be free from the wretchedness I see on MN of women wringing their hands waiting on their beaus to ask them to marry them. Its the 21st century. Be thankful you don't have to sit, wait, get anxious, then resent, then leave over a marriage contract that the boyfriend has failed to get down on one knee and propose. You are happy, you are in a committed relationship, you don't want children and all you need to do is get your living contracts sorted. Admittedly it was a bit of a crass comment but it now has exposed your relationship as it is....free from a contract of union and two people in love who choose to stay together because of how they feel and not through obligation of marriage. Enjoy the rest of your lives together and don't let this put you off him at all. Celebrate your union and be happy x

gannett · 01/02/2021 08:25

OP... he seems to think you're on the same page, when you're not. "I’m glad I’ll never have to ask that" isn't a declaration of a new stance on marriage, it's a casual comment to someone he thinks doesn't want or care about marriage. I also don't think it's about not wanting to marry you specifically - if he wasn't committed to you but was open to marriage generally he wouldn't have said "never".

There was more ambiguity in your initial conversation than you think. At least, it seems to me you both basically said "hmm, not sure, maybe" - and you came away thinking you'd said "not sure but probably yes" while he heard "not sure but probably no".

So just talk to him! It's OK to tell him that his offhand comment made you suddenly realise that actually you do want to get married - to him. I think most men would be quite chuffed to hear that. And telling him that doesn't mean you're pushing him into anything!

(Yes, I'm basically suggesting you essentially propose to him. Why not? You're the one who's realised it's what you want!)

Original poster

roastpotatoesss · 01/02/2021 08:40

I think you’re right gannett- the reason it caught me so off guard is it was like he’s made the decision for both of us! But he’s not a thoughtless person so he must genuinely be under the impression it’s not what I want either.

I think it was always going to be a tricky conversation to get it- I don’t want to bring it up for the reasons I’ve said, and he probably doesn’t want to bring it up because he knows I’ve been divorced before, so we’re in this stalemate.

The bottom line is- if he really doesn’t want to get married I wouldn’t leave him. I’d be disappointed but I still want to be with him forever. So I guess I have nothing to lose by having the conversation!

OP posts:

Chiccie · 01/02/2021 08:53

Goldie Hawn. Look at her relationship. Do you really need the marriage conversation? I wouldn’t bother if I was you. Just be happy with what you’ve got. If you’re going to have kids then insist on the marriage

gannett · 01/02/2021 09:00

FWIW I don't want to get married for a lot of reasons including political. I certainly don't want a wedding, I'd rather gnaw my own hand off. But I have told DP I want to be with him forever, I'm in this for the long haul, and he's said the same to me. So I think that's a conversation that has to happen at some point... whether or not it leads to marriage.

Sunflowergirl1 · 01/02/2021 09:14

I think that given you don't want children, that makes a big difference as my advice would have been no ring, no babies as you have limited financial security.

Personally given you don't want kids, marriage in my view isn't such a big issue provided you both sort out financial and other matters. Ie who do you both want to name to receive pension benefits? Have you both made wills? What about lasting powers of attorney for both financial affairs and health. These are all vital matters even when married but even more so if not.

If getting married does hold some special place in your heart then you need to decide. I would have said ask him, and explain why but I fear it will only exacerbate your feelings that you nagged him and he only did to please you

MixMatch · 01/02/2021 09:42

I don't agree with some others who say 2 years is too soon. It's certainly long enough to know the most important things about someone (if you're a discerning person that is, and are looking at the things that would matter for a successful marriage, not frivolous things). A lot of people get engaged within 2 years.

We can speculate all we want here but you need to have a direct conversation about marriage with him. If you don't feel comfortable bringing up with him something that is important to you then there's an issue in the relationship.

The most important thing right now is that you focus on increasing your self esteem. There's a lot of good books, YouTube videos and therapy out there. I would be wary of a man who doesn't want to commit. He's very lucky to have you and he should be afraid of throwing away what he's got with you. Don't settle for less. Staying unmarried, and therefore living as two legally single people, has very important legal and other implications.

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