Miss violent husband

[Lounew]

My marriage ended in April my husband was very angry always lashing out and breaking things he hit me several times so I reported him he moved out says it's his depression . I know what he as done is not right for any of us and I've really tried to focus on the future but I miss him so much miss my kids having their dad if only he could change we could be happy I don't want anyone else just him . Please don't judge we were together 25 years he was life now I am empty

I get what you are saying but would you rather live in fear of getting hit or the kids getting hit?

No judgement here. If there weren't some parts of your relationship that we're good you wouldn't have stayed so long. But you've done amazingly to end it. Have you looked into doing the Freedom Programme?

You want your children to live in a home filled with fear and where they witness more violence? That's the life you want for them? For youself? You need therapy, as soon as possible.

It’s normal to miss what is familiar to us. Congratulate yourself for getting away from him, it’s a huge accomplishment. Don’t beat yourself up for your feelings, they are totally normal. Every day away from him you are getting stronger and your children happier.

But he won't change. He hit you several times. Violent men do not change. Also, saying it's my depression is simply an excuse so that he doesn't have to admit he was wrong.

Depression is not an excuse.

Please look into getting some counsellling, or the Freedom Programme. But don't ever take him back. You will simply be giving him the message that it's ok to treat you as his punchbag.

And it's not.

Its not depression. Depression does not make people violent. Nor would it be an excuse for abuse anyway.

You have kids and they cannot see their father hitting their mother or throwing things. That's that. You can miss him till the cows come home but he cannot be around you because you have children to protect.

Any abuser can claim depression but has he started meds and does he see a therapist weekly to combat it? Has he acknowledged that his behaviour is the reason you are no longer together? Is he promising to get the help he needs and not looking to be anywhere near you until he has? Why do I doubt that very much.

I'm sorry op but he wont get better. He might lie better, in order to con you back but that's about it. He dpesnt regret hitting you. Otherwise it 2would have been a one off and he would have left you and sought help. He only regrets not hitting you harder so that youd be too scared to report him.

'Love' is nothing in comparison to safety and security for you and your kids. Always love yourself and them more than any man. Especially one that can, has and will again hurt you, given.any chance.

I feel for you as you're remembering the good him, but the bad him won't leave, your kids also deserve more too, don't be fooled by your/his shallow emotions, they hide the truth- good luck

I know what you are feeling. You focus on the good bits and think it could be good again. But it is not worth living through the bad bits for that.

It's so hard to tell yourself that. You guilt yourself and say the children are suffering because of your choice, it's not true even if they are not aware your choice is protecting them.

Even if it doesn't feel like it, staying apart is for the best and you are brilliant for sticking with it.

Thank you to everyone for your honest reply I know deep down this is not a life I want and I will keep growing stronger I've enrolled on the freedom programme starting mid Feb also one session into counselling . Looks like I've been a codependent all these years and been so scared of being on my own never wanted my children to come from a broken marriage don't have much self worth and actually don't know any other kind of love or relationship he was my one and only partner from school and I would have given him the world .

You're remembering him when he was a good man. You're casting your mind back to good times, before the violence. Well done for being strong enough to leave.

But, you are grieving the loss/end of a relationship that was a large part of your life and that's entirely normal.

Have a read up about relationship breakdown grief. Alongside Freedom programme and therapy, be kind to yourself.

Your feelings will pass, it's just that unfortunately it won't be quickly. Hang in there.

You're a good role model for your children so, don't forget your worth.

Thank you for your understanding and kind words . This is not the life I had planned and I am so angry and bitter it's become this when we had many happy times .

if only he could change we could be happy

This is why you stayed so long but you know he won't change, it is not going to happen. I think that you would regret going back so much in the long term.
We had a neighbor who never left her abusive husband while I was growing up and I saw her years later , her grown-up son was clinging to her and he was very withdrawn, I think the family environment had affected him really badly. Do this for your kids.
I'm a single mum. The first year was the hardest but it gets easier and you will build up a new support network around you, just give yourself time and play the long game.
x

No you don't. I think what you want is a version of him that doesn't exist.

Enjoy the happy memories but try to accept your husband for who he is, not who you want him to be. The man you really want might be out there, but it's not going to be your husband.