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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like a single parent even though I'm in a relationship

15 replies

Ellabella12 · 31/01/2021 20:14

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and have a 3 month old son, ever since he was born I have do everything. I ebf so he can't help there but he doesn't bother doing anything else either! He's only changed a handful of nappies and given him a bath a couple of times (when I've asked him to) and he seems fed up when i ask him to look after our son for a bit while I go to the toilet or for a shower. He also spends every evening sat in the kitchen either alone or with his friend smoking while I sit alone in the living room looking after our boy. I've tried talking to him about it so many times, but he either goes quite or goes on the defensive pointing out that he does the shopping and cooking and doesn't even understand when I point out that I could do those things if he helped more! I left him to go to my mums for a week when I was pregnant to try and get through to him and make him realise what he'd lose but its clearly made no impact. I really don't want to leave as we have our son and house together but I don't no what to do to get through to him without him complaining to his friends that I'm a nag!

OP posts:
Sunsun21 · 31/01/2021 20:18

You’re not married? Are you financially dependent on him?

Ellabella12 · 31/01/2021 20:35

No not married but we own a house together and he's currently paying the majority of the mortgage and bills while I'm on maternity leave

OP posts:
FineWhiteBread · 31/01/2021 20:42

What’s he smoking?

Ellabella12 · 31/01/2021 20:45

Cigerettes and weed 🙄

OP posts:
FineWhiteBread · 31/01/2021 20:47

He’s a loser.

Get out before he drags you and your baby down with him.

Ohalrightthen · 31/01/2021 20:50

Did he want the baby?

Time for one last talk - lay down the law. He steps up, or he fucks off.

PhillipPhillop · 31/01/2021 20:54

Are you bubbled with this friend? If not, what is he doing in your kitchen?

namechange7567785544 · 31/01/2021 20:54

Sounds like a man child. He wont change either!

MondayYogurt · 31/01/2021 20:55

@FineWhiteBread

He’s a loser.

Get out before he drags you and your baby down with him.

+1

He's not suddenly going to decide to be a good partner and father. He's going to keep doing whatever he wants as long as he wants.

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 31/01/2021 21:03

Yep, I had one of these many years ago. I was a single parent of two (one of which was a weed smoking man-child). Needless to say I'm happily divorced.

mindutopia · 31/01/2021 21:18

He sounds like a massive loser. Dh always did almost all of the nappy changes and also all of the bathtimes. Actually until my oldest was about 3, I didn't even know how to do bathtime. He did it every night and when he was away she told me that I did it wrong, because I didn't do it the way he did! He also had ours every evening from 7pm ish until 1am so I could sleep (even the one I was bf), and was up every night feed with the bottle fed one so he could make her bottle. No he sounds like a waste of space.

And as someone with asthma because family members smoked around me as a baby, I'd be gone the first time he lit up to smoke around my baby. It's not acceptable. He doesn't sound like a good dad and it sounds like it's time for you to make a better life for you and your baby.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2021 21:21

He sounds crap. Did he not want the baby? Were you under the impression he’d stop smoking weed once the baby was born?

Why did you go back when you were pregnant given he didn’t seem to care you’d gone to your mum’s?

rattymcratrat · 31/01/2021 21:28

So he does the shopping, cooking and I presume goes to work? I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt, as I think childcare should be shared when you are both home, but maybe you need to discuss this with him calmly with a "this is how I feel" attitude, as he doesn't sound like a complete waste of space.

Is this your first child together?
are you getting Support from family/friends?
How is your MH post birth?
As lockdowns etc can obviously add to the obvious impact of having a new baby which will affect how you are feeling.

Bumblebee1980a · 31/01/2021 23:21

Smoking weed in the kitchen whilst you are in the living room with your 3 month old son. WTAF.

He's a man child and he will never ever change. Trust me on this one!!! Weed is psychologically addictive.

Tell him to leave. Before you do, look on the government website for rights etc

Keep evidence of his smoking too in case you need it.

Ellabella12 · 31/01/2021 23:26

Yeh it's our first baby and he did want him and I know he loves him

I didn't think he'd stop smoking completely but I thought he'd cut down when the baby got here

I went back after being at my mums because we were having a child together and I didn't want my son not having his dad around. We also spoke at the time and thought id got through about how I was feeling but maybe it didn't sink in enough

Yeh he works and he does the shopping not just because I want to stay with LO but because he did when I was pregnant and has continued to so I don't have to be exposed to covid and neither does LO

My mums been a godsend, I've been on anti depressants nearly 2 years and have struggled abit, I had a bit of a breakdown when he was about 2 weeks and my OH was really good with me and he was actually crying and upset about upset I was

Thats what makes this difficult I know he loves us and he can be thoughtful and caring but i seem to have to be really upset or breaking down to prompt it when all I want is for him to spend more time with us without me having to ask

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