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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mother in law vs my family

23 replies

Emhad · 31/01/2021 16:42

Hello, I would like some advise please, I feel my mother in law has to be involved with everything. She was the first to find out about my pregnancy, and my husband wants her to know everything. I have told him we are keeping the name a secret but she still digs to try and find out. Sometimes It’s like there is a competition between me and my family and him and his mother on who gets to meet the baby first, I know he will want to invite her round as soon as we’re home and ready but why should she get priority over my family? Maybe it’s because she is on her own and I have mum, dad, sister and her bf? Am I being unfair? I said to invite them round at the same time so there is no bickering. I mentioned about our first family holiday and he said we could ask his mum to come, I don’t want her on our fist family holiday and again there no mention of my family. Has anyone experienced this and what’s your advise please?

OP posts:

Wartigen · 31/01/2021 16:44

Kill her.

PearsandPartridge · 31/01/2021 16:48

When are you due OP? There mays till be a lockdown so no mixing of households could solve your problems!!

LadyDanbury · 31/01/2021 16:49

@Wartigen

Kill her.

Sorry, no advice but this made me giggle.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/01/2021 16:53

He's the problem. He hasn't grown up.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2021 16:53

It appears that your husband is still very much obligated to his mother and theirs is an emotionally unhealthy relationship. No wonder therefore his boundaries re his mother are this messed up, he really does need to cut the ol' apron strings here. He also seems to be far more afraid of her than he ever would be of you and still wants her approval (this may well be why he wants her to know everything). His own inertia here when it comes to his mother hurts him as much as you.

Start as you mean to go on here; have firm and consistently applied boundaries and apply them equally to both your husband, his mother and your parents. Start saying no to your H, how does he then react?.

And why does he want his mother to come on your first family holiday?. She being on her own is in itself is no good reason to have her on holiday with you. That would also probably set a precedent for the future; she'll be on every trip you make and she could also well become a factor in any and all decisions as well.

Sssloou · 31/01/2021 16:53

Keep your boundaries high and wide - but recognise that your DH is the issue to confront. How does he see the role of husband and father? What’s his family blueprint / role model?

Be v direct with him - don’t make it personal about her - just tell him you want it fair.

Original poster

Emhad · 31/01/2021 16:53

Due May, mother in law is in our bubble. My family are the tricky ones, dads self employed works on his own, mum and sister will be working, but I’m hoping there will be more of a normal by then or my family definitely will miss out!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2021 16:58

If your H is like this towards his mother now, then there will be no real improvement by May. As Sssloou rightly points out, its your H that you need to be very direct with and now and to tell him you want both your family and his mother to see your child equally.

NailsNeedDoing · 31/01/2021 17:00

Your DH sounds nice looking out for his mum and making sure she doesn’t feel left out and lonely. Good for him. Of course his mum deserves a little extra consideration as she’s on her own and your family aren’t.

PearsandPartridge · 31/01/2021 17:05

@Emhad

Oh, I'm sorry OP. I dot have a ML so I can't really help you, and I'm sure other posters are more clued up as I've never had to deal with things like that, but as a mum of a young DC, I can tell you that it was my own mother I wanted by my side after i gave birth (and DH of course) I mean, it's only natural and I don't think I would have had it any other way, ML or no ML.

Hollywhiskey · 31/01/2021 17:05

Just to offer another point of view to 'he's not grown up' that you always get on here, we do loads of stuff with my family and next to nothing with my husband's. If it's allowed we'll go on holiday with them again this year, we went away with them twice last year. They stay with us regularly, I talk to them all the time and they have a close relationship with our kids.
That said, a lot of the stuff you mentioned is still a hard line for me. I didn't tell them I was pregnant until my husband was ready for me to (first pregnancy we told both families together, second we told mine first so they'd help with my HG). The baby name thing again, absolutely not, that's private until the baby is born and a final decision is made in my opinion.
And the holiday stuff? We go on holiday with my family because it's fun and we all like it, including my husband. If you go away with your MIL it doesn't make your husband an overgrown child but if you don't like her then don't agree to it, it's a free country. My kids love going away with their grandparents but in a few years that might not work anymore.
If there are still restrictions in May (and I really hope there won't be) then surely it's better to have love and support from your MIL (assuming you get on) than not see anyone? Everything doesn't have to be divvied up exactly the same between both families, it's just what works for you both. If you need more support from your mum or whatever then say so and work out how to make that happen.

Hollywhiskey · 31/01/2021 17:08

Don't think of it as your mum or MIL missing out OP honestly, you are the one having the baby, it's about you. What support do YOU need?
I feel so much for anyone giving birth in this mess, I wish I could just give you a hug xx

PearsandPartridge · 31/01/2021 17:13

@Hollywhiskey

Don't think of it as your mum or MIL missing out OP honestly, you are the one having the baby, it's about you. What support do YOU need? I feel so much for anyone giving birth in this mess, I wish I could just give you a hug xx

I so agree with you!!! OP even has the right to refuse any visitors in the early days and that would be quite all right too!

babbaloushka · 31/01/2021 17:16

@Wartigen

Kill her.

My patio needs redoing...

MajorMujer · 31/01/2021 17:16

*Wartigen

Kill her.

Sorry, no advice but this made me giggle.*

Me too

Cherrysoup · 31/01/2021 17:24

Big boundaries up, now. You need to ensure your dh is singing from the same hymn sheet as you with regards to the baby and how you want things to be or you risk major resentment towards her because your dh won’t tell her no.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 31/01/2021 17:27

I see and understand your point about why should your MIL always get to do the important things, like meet your DC, before your parents.

However, your MIL is on her own which I think is the main factor here. Sounds like your DH is fiercely loyal to her and grateful for her. He doesn't want to upset her or make her uncomfortable so tries to make sure this doesn't happen. Doesn't sound like your DH is being selfish/malicious, he just doesn't want to upset his mum and of course she would be on her own to deal with this.

Imagine if you were your MIL and the first time you were meeting your GC, you turned up at the house to be met by at least five other adults. Would make me feel like shit tbh. Even your sister's boyfriend might get to meet her GC before her. As for the family holiday, it's reasonable for you want the holiday to be just you three. Coming from your DH's perspective, does you MIL have anyone to go on holiday with? Would she want to go alone? If not, she likely won't be going away.

I understand how you feel but I think you also need to put yourself in your MIL's shoes and stop viewing her actions as selfish.

Megzmoo · 31/01/2021 18:30

Hi op,

My husband is exactly the same with his mum.
We had a baby during the first lockdown and he wanted his mum to be the first to hold her (once we let people at six weeks old) I really put my foot down as she never bothers with us and we have a really close relationship with my parents, in the end my parents held her on my birthday and my mother in law the day after (she was working on my birthday, otherwise they would have all had cuddles on the same day).

I don't really know what to suggest, how is your relationship with your mother in law? I feel my husband uses the excuse that his mother is on her own as a reason for her to tag along to things (and be rude) whereas my parents have each other.

I do speak up to my husband about his mother now and he does put her back in her place (she's very opinionated about how we parent our baby, although I have been a nursery manager for 10 years 🙄)

Maybe an honest conversation with dh about how your feeling and that you want to create special memories just the 3 of you to begin with, not to say she can't be part of other things though x

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2021 18:35

Your husband needs to cut the apron strings and remember who his wife is, and you need to keep your boundaries firmly in place. Don't give in an inch to this woman.

Feelingchicken99 · 31/01/2021 18:36

Put your foot down ASAP!!!!! Do as you want when your baby arrives in to this world, my MIL questioned me for months about if my mum was going to be in the delivery room or even waiting in at the hospital because if she was they could wait together, I told her a very firm no one is coming apart from H and she will be called when the baby arrives, I told H my mum was the first to find out period, I let them all come for 15 mins at the same time and then the day after I came out of hospital I let them come to the house and then everyone was band for nearly a week. I’ve never had a holiday with my MIL and I never will, set your firm boundaries from the start and stick to them

ArtfulScreamer · 31/01/2021 18:44

To quote a mumsnet favourite you don't have a MIL problem you have a DH problem. She's as involved as he's inviting and allowing her to be. I think he's the problem you need to tackle and it's
him who needs to put the appropriate boundaries in place.

OxfordCat · 31/01/2021 19:00

Nope! Knock I this on the head NOW!

After giving birth you DO NOT want visitors. Full stop!! You will invite visitors as and when you feel ready and not before! Get your DH to understand this now as he needs to be the gatekeeper of you and the baby.

Annoyedmom · 31/01/2021 20:25

Your mil clearly doesn’t know her place. If your husband continues to put her wants first, you might as well file for divorce. No one ever married a man in order to come in second place.

The fact that he’s trying to have her involved in your first vacation as a nuclear family says it all: she is a part of your nuclear family. If that’s not what you want, you’ll have to put your foot down.

Tell him she can come on X date. Have your parents come the day before. If she shows up before the date she was told, don’t reward her with seeing the baby. Stay in your room or pack up and leave to go stay with your family.

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