How to let them go, relax a little etc.

[cheesecadet]

Hi all, a bit of a moan. I feel extremely lucky to have two wonderful teens and cope quite well considering the pandemic, I get out to work which I'm so thankful for. People are suffering with certain aspects of the pandemic, job problems, housing, illness etc and really I feel very lucky that I have healthy kids. I know they are frustrated like everyone else and do get fed up but they are very well behaved.

The thing that I stuggle with is that they prefer being at their dad's, I suppose they have a better connection with them. They'll happily sit for a full day watching TV together where as, here they have their own rooms and like space, which I get. We do have a bit of a binge session but we can never find programmes that we ALL like so it doesn't last too long. It's also not something that I can do regularly due to commitments and chores etc.

I feel so disconnected from them at times, they say that they are happy in their rooms and don't relish coming outside with me.

I've ordered a game that I'm pretty sure they'd like for us to play together (obviously it's not a kiddish game!).

I feel like maybe I'm coming across as selfish or over thinking. Even before the pandemic I would always be suggesting things for us to do which would always be a no, and when asked if they had any suggestions they had very few. There are only so many shopping trips we can do and whacky hair styles that I can afford to do myself!

I suppose teens don't really relish time with their mum do they?! Their father is more a friend to him, which is nice in some ways, and I try to be on their wave length a bit more but I find him very childish, which is fine for him but we're very different!

Am I trying too hard? I've been advised to let them go a bit.

They see one friend for exercise at least once a week which makes them happy, which I'm glad about, and I get out to exercise every day. Maybe things will be different as the year pans out and I've been told that I need to make a separate life for myself (which I'm going to do once allowed) but I SO miss them being little and doing things as a family.

Anyone else feeling the same and want to vent?!

Do I have an unrealistic view of things?

Anyone.....even if it's to tell me that it's a non issue?

I didn't have much of a relationship with my mum when I was a teenager. I did my own thing, stayed in my room and went out with friends. I just didn't really connect with her. However, as an adult we are really close! She's my best friend. I know it doesn't help you right now, and I don't have any advice as such but just wanted you to know that just because it's like this now, it doesn't mean it will always be!

@Jumpers268 thank you! That's nice that's you're really close.

I just needed to know that it was normal. I had a terrible relationship with my mother as a teenager but always assumed it was because she dealt with my behaviour all wrong, shouting at me all the time and lack of support and emotion.

It makes me feel like a bad mum for not having a connection. But yes I've heard of similar stories to yours, I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise a chance of that so I need to be wary of being too needy and pushing them away.

Thank you.

I know it upset her when I was younger. And the more she pushed, the more I withdrew. I feel terribly guilty for not trying harder with her when I was younger and I was also closer to my dad. He was the "fun" one. However, these days it's the opposite. She's the one I would turn to for any advice, when something good happens she's the first person I call. I can imagine it's tough though and I'm looking forward to when my DC is a teenager!

*not looking forward!

That's what I'm thinking, I need to be careful of that. When they do something random like come and hug me or we have a lovely conversation I'll tell them how much I enjoyed it. And I try not to put emphasis on the negative.

I suppose they'll naturally be closer to the fun one! They're not ready to be grown up yet.

It is tough yeah, they are good kids but still have their challenges! Good luck with yours! How long do you have until the teenage years?

What about pizza evenings round the table? Just fun, natural stuff like baking cookies? Maybe watch what they watch on TV even though you don’t really want to? By buying a game it’s almost like you’re forcing a relationship and family time. You need to relax and be natural with this. Teenagers are hard work but you need to tap into them xx

My kids dad lives at the other end of the country so unfortunately for them I’m their only option! However if he lived closer, DS1 (14) would definitely be with him more of the time. Ex DH is a man child so much more on a teenagers wavelength!

Watching TV series has been a big benefit to my relationship with them. You say they watch TV at their dads for hours, but at home it doesn’t last long because of finding something you all like - are your own tastes very different? I’d suggest just letting go and watching something they like even if it wouldn’t be your choice. And let go of chores a bit - I understand it’s difficult when you are the one doing everything, but honestly, a lot of stuff really doesn’t matter, and this is bothering you more than any undone chores.

Mine are both gamers, and playing online is their social life at the moment, so I understand them being in their rooms more.

No advice.. just that you sound really lovely and a great mum

@Sunflower1970 thanks, yes I've done that and it's lovely, I need to do it more. The game thing, it doesn't really feel like that. I saw it by chance and thought 'oh wow never thought of that, I think they'll love that', I didn't search for something just for that purpose. But I see what you mean, it could seem a bit forced.

@Iyiyi thank you. I'm sorry you don't have the support fom their dad. That's a good idea to watch something that they like. Does it bother you that they're in their rooms a lot?

@Shayelle2009 thank you!

Is it possible for you to change the dynamic a bit? Like, instead of suggesting an activity and you leading, ask for their help with something. Maybe pick a new recipe, or try making sushi, something that is new to all of you, and therefore you're not the expert and you're not the one giving out instructions.

You sound like a great mum, FWIW.

@Shemeanswell good idea, thank you!

And thank you again