ADVICE PLEASE. Violent housemate with BPD

[ItsgeorgiaL]

Hey guys.

This is my first post on here - bear with me whilst I get used to this! :)

I’m half writing this to vent, half writing this for advice.

I have lived in a house share since August ‘20 and have witnessed one of my housemates, we’ll call her T, fall out with EVERYBODY that’s come and gone.

She’s 43, sends her wages to her mum (who is late 60’s and living in sheltered accommodation) who then sends her small amounts every Friday as she is unable to control her impulsive spending. She frequently runs out of money before the next payment is due and will call her mum asking for more cash - if the answer is no, her mum will be hurdled with verbal abuse, threats, crying and screaming. T will then call her a few hours later as though everything is normal, no apology etc. - I’ve told T that this is so wrong especially as her mum is elderly but T just says “she should listen then, it’s MY money!”

Long story short - T and I developed a friendship which admittedly was intense very quickly. I didn’t mind though, as she never exhibited this behaviour towards me, UNTIL!

On Monday this week I developed symptoms of covid-19, but T actively encouraged me to not get a test because “if you’re positive, then I can’t go to work and it’s a new job, I don’t want them to think badly of me. You’ve just got a cold!” - I ended up getting tested and it was indeed a positive result.

This was met with sheer anger and outrage from T, and at one point she told me to confine my cat into my room as she doesn’t want covid spread around the house. She wouldn’t take in a delivery and left it outside in the rain as she “didn’t want covid brought into the house”. All of the windows are wide open, her door is shut, it’s as though I have some sort of plague!

The anger transpired into an incident where I had to call 999 due to her aggression. When I told her I wouldn’t lock my cat in my bedroom, she punched the bannister on the stairs and slowly started coming up the stairs with widened eyes saying “come little girl, I’m from South Africa, do you know what we are like?” This is when I called the police, but when I had my phone in my hand she accused me of recording her and that I was wrong, very wrong and acting like a little girl. Projection or what?!!

Overall, I just don’t know what to say. Am I wrong to think she is extremely selfish? I can’t say this behaviour is due to her BPD cause... she seems to act like this everytime she doesn’t get her own way with something. T was already on her final warning with our landlord for previous behaviours in the house such as rolling joints, aggression and falling out with just about everybody. And now this!

I don’t know how to feel about it or what I should do. Our landlord is selling so our notice is up at the end of March but I’m genuinely concerned about going back to work and coming back to a trashed bedroom or something. I feel really uncomfortable here so wondering if I should leave ASAP?

Leave. ASAP.

Goodness, I’d be out of there ASAP, even if it meant paying rent on two places for 2 months (if that was possible).

Can you lock your room? FWIW I’d keep your cat in there for her own safety when you’re out.

I think you should leave. Just find a new room and go

Do you mean bipolar disorder. Im going through the same thing with my sister now. She turned up out of the blue from america. Im trying to get her to go back. She becomes very disruptive to try to get her own way. She is also very paranoid.

Interestingly, my husband (separating now) with BPD is also from South Africa.

Borderline personality disorder, @femfemlicious
OP I agree with the others, leave. Not everyone with BPD is violent/threatening, nor everyone with other mental health problems. But this woman sounds very unpleasant, like she isn’t getting help to address her issues and essentially she’s a flat mate, you are not responsible for staying. I also would feel a bit worried about your cat, in case she locked it out or anything as it does sound like she’s behaving very strangely.

Tell your landlord what's going on to try and get your deposit back and leave ASAP.

Definitely talk to your landlord, if they are already aware of her behaviour there's a good chance they might listen to you and allow you early release from your contract. As an interim measure you should insist on being allowed to put a lock on your door, even if just for a few days before you leave.

Keep your phone on you at all times within the house, try and get someone to come and stay if you can.

What was the outcome of the 999 call? If she's been charged with an offense you might be able to get a non molestation order. Talk to the officer dealing with it if you can. Failing that, get the police incident number, you can give that to your LL along with your account of the behaviour- this will bolster your case to be released early from the contract.

Thank you SO much for your responses. The outcome of the 999 call was that they couldn’t enter the property unless there was a life threatening emergency as I have confirmed covid - it’s too risky for the officers. They’ve said that I should inform the workplace management of her behaviour as we worked in the same place (which I’ve done), but I anticipate her getting even worse when she finds this out.

The police said they’ll keep it on record and should it happen again, they will come and pay a visit to the address.

Ok well make sure to call them again if she shows any further sign of threatening behaviour towards you. If nothing else it may help in asking your landlord for an early exit from your contract. Can you call him today?

You cannot live like that, not for 2 hours let alone 2 months. If this was an abusive partner I would suggest you go to a refuge. Please if there is any way you can get out early or pay rent on two places do it! This sounds so toxic

And yes, whatever the landlord says, if you can afford to absorb the cost of paying for 2 places for a month, just do this as a last resort.

Obv not saying it's this woman's fault she has MH issues but they're not your problems to manage and your own safety needs to come first.

THIS set up is why I have moved heaven and hell with covid and still recovering to get my youngest DD to safety. She had just settled in her first job and moved out to a house share with a female friend as a start point. She was then made redundant and I started to get suspicious when she stopped phoning or using FB messages [housemate had smashed her phone so she could not contact anyone for help] she stole her food, went through ALL her personal belongings and did a darn good job to manipulate and gas-lighting her to the point she began to question her own sanity and was IMHO rapidly becoming a modern slave. As soon as I heard how bad it was I pulled in every favour going to get her out within hours. There is the world of difference between someone with BPD who works with the local CMHT and one who may well have a dual diagnosis or additional disorders on top that cause extreme anti-social behaviours. Let any trusted family or friends who could help you know about your situation. Someone may be able to help or give you a heads up on a new place to rent. Not feeling safe in your own space IS a good reason to get out ASAP. If she may have had access to your documents do speak to the bank and change your account details so she cannot use your details to cause you debts. [DD found this out the hard way as all her money disappeared from her account] Any further signs of aggressive or abusive behaviour directed at you do not hesitate to call the police. MH is not an excuse for shoddy aggressive nasty behaviour towards others or their pets!