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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

What would you do... honestly

43 replies

GravyBoatt · 30/01/2021 19:45

Husband just called me
a fucking cunt

History of emotional abuse.
My anxiety is crippling and I am
suffering severely from mental health issues.

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 30/01/2021 22:48

Evening, @GravyBoatt - we've now moved your thread over to our Relationships topic and we're sure you'll benefit from the advice and support of posters here.

We hope you don't mind but when threads like yours are flagged up to us, we usually like to send the OP a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We also wanted to flag up our information about domestic abuse, which you have posted about - you may find some useful support and guidance here.

Wishing you the very best from all at MNHQ. Flowers

Itstimetoquit · 30/01/2021 22:55

It's not your fault,he sounds like a asshole x

CisMyArse · 31/01/2021 00:15

Keep posting OP. It's really important that you get a reality check from non-biased people, but let me start off by saying that you deserve better.

This man isn't decent. This man is damaging you.

Let us support you. Please keep posting. Thanks

visitorfromtheplanetzog · 31/01/2021 00:17

Ask yourself how much easier it would be for you to cope with your mental health issues if you had a loving and supportive partner who showed you affection and kindness.

Ask yourself how much better your mental health would be if you weren't being abused by this man.

bluebell34567 · 31/01/2021 00:21

please contact women's aid and leave him for your and your dcs' sake. he is making you ill.

Original poster
GravyBoatt · 31/01/2021 08:25

Thank you for your kind words.

We've been here before. I thought it wasn't going to happen again.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2021 08:31

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like you are now being?.

The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he is showing you and in turn your children (they are being affected by seeing their mother being verbally and emotionally abused) is a continuous one so it was always going to happen again.
Your abusive H will keep on damaging your MH as long as you at all remain with him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They cannot afford to learn an abusive relationship model because they could well repeat this in their own adult relationships.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. As other posters have mentioned Womens Aid can and will help you here. Keep posting here too.

Colourmeclear · 31/01/2021 09:58

You deserve compassion and understanding, from yourself and from your husband. I left my abusive ex not because I thought/knew he was abusive but because I was never going to recover my MH if I stayed with him. He didn't care that my mental health was so bad because he kept trodding all over my progress. I left, things were tough but I had so much more control over my inner and outer space. If I wanted to feel a bit better there was no-one there to destroy it for me.

Please call WomensAid, if safe to do so.

Itstimetoquit · 31/01/2021 11:53

How are you op x

DoubleHelix79 · 01/02/2021 07:00

I hope you're doing OK OP. I think leaving a relationship like yours is a bit like giving up smoking - rarely a one-time decision but rather a process over time, with occasional steps back.

Original poster
GravyBoatt · 01/02/2021 11:23

Is it abuse though?
I think this because he's a split personality- Jekyll and Hyde. He certainly isn't like it all the time.
All I know is how it makes me feel when he is mean . Utterly utterly shit .

Thank you for all your kind words, means a lot

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 01/02/2021 11:25

I think this because he's a split personality- Jekyll and Hyde. He certainly isn't like it all the time.

Loads of abusers are like this. If they’re horrible all the time, people leave. It’s how they keep you hanging on. It doesn’t make them any less of an abuser.

Colourmeclear · 01/02/2021 14:13

It is abuse. I used to call my ex Name 1 and Name 2 because it was such a contrast. You wouldn't stay if he was abusive 100% of the time.

You also don't have to call it abuse to make plans to leave. If you use that as a guide to whether you leave or not you could be stuck for ever going over all the reasons why he is and isn't abusive. I've been out ten years and I still don't know if it was abuse but I know I'm infinitely happier and with someone who loves all of me, MH conditions and all.

If you are unhappy, you can leave and then analyse it from the other side without someone clouding your judgement.

Original poster
GravyBoatt · 01/02/2021 16:44

My mental health is shit.
I am at breaking point.

It's got to the point where I can't even look at , acknowledge or say anything to people
I know. They must think that I am so very rude.

I'm a mess .

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 01/02/2021 16:51

What MH issues have been diagnosed with? There are two things here. One. Are you getting support and the best medication from your GP?
Two. Do you want to stay with your partner? If you don't, what is preventing you leaving?
You'll need to stop confusing the two in order to make progress.

TheChip · 01/02/2021 17:01

The split personality thing is very very common in emotionally abusive relationships. There is no real split personality, it's just a tactic they use the cause such distress to the other person.

I really hope you find the strength to leave for yours and your children's sake.
I was terrified leaving mine. I thought id be useless on my own like he wanted me to believe, but as soon as that was it. I felt a huge weight lifting off of my shoulders. I was shocked at how I wasn't upset at the break up, all I could feel was relief.

Sometimes when you are so deep in it, you can't see just how much damage is from them. It's easier to think the problem must be with you. I was convinced I was severely mentally ill. I wasn't. I was severely emotionally manipulated.

You dont deserve this kind of life and neither do your children. A partner should be there with support, not put downs.

Wanderlusto · 01/02/2021 17:31

Abusers cause mental breakdowns.

There is never an excuse for anyone to call you a cunt. Let alone a partner who is supposed to love you.

If you get free of him you will find your mental health improves greatly.

Abusers are nice sometimes. It's called the cycle of abuse. No one would stay with them if they were vile all the time.

Might be worth reading 'why does he do that?' by Lundy bankroft. There are pdfs online. You can also Google his '9 types of abuser'. Melanie tonia Evan's does good youtube videos on narcissists. Which he may be. Please dont mention any of this to him though. Watch and read them privately when he us not around and delete your browser history afterword.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 01/02/2021 17:43

((((HUG))))

Do you have family/friends nearby?
Does he?
Do you own or rent?

Are you ready to accept that he's not going to change & work out the practicalities of separating from him? Or do you just need to vent?

Are you scared of him?

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