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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH trading issues...

21 replies

Hello2021bye2020 · 30/01/2021 17:25

DH in the past was trading in the stock market, he used up all our savings and it’s all gone (~500K). First time around it was a mistake we stuck together, 8 years on, we saved some more money and the same happened again. It would have been enough for us to buy a nice house cash and live mortgage free for the rest of our lives! We managed finally to get into the property ladder and admittedly he earns enough to make a living (although on a contracting basis so not a stable income)...but it really scares me that he will do the same again! We have 2 DDs...
What would you have done? Or what would you do differently to ensure this doesn’t happen again? I am working full time now trying to gain some financial independence as a first step, but part of me feel I can’t trust him with money?
Just to add, he thinks that the money he brings is his own and never said sorry for what he did, plus I don’t know any of his financial details...as I said he is well paid, and yet every time I ask he says he didn’t save any!

OP posts:

Alonelonelyloner · 30/01/2021 17:28

Oh my word.
You are a loving, patient person beyond anything I can imagine and my ex did some financially abysmal things. But nothing like this.

How do you know nothing of his financial status? Why does he consider his money his? First off, that reflects badly on the realities of your relationship all the other stuff notwithstanding.

I'm so sorry OP

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2021 17:29

Just to add, he thinks that the money he brings is his own and never said sorry for what he did, plus I don’t know any of his financial details...

I wouldn't have married someone with this attitude.

In order not to divorce him, I'd want full financial disclosure and equal savings in my own name that he didn't have access to. At the very least when you divorce, he might only get half of that.

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2021 17:30

How the hell did he lose that on the Stock market? I don’t actually believe it, the shares he bought must be worth something even if it’s not what he paid for them. If he earns well now where does it go?
Either he is spectacularly incompetent or he’s lying. Whatever the truth you need to build your financial independence and decide if you want to stay with him.

litterbird · 30/01/2021 17:30

This has happened to a good friend of mine, I actually thought it was her writing this. It will happen again. Sorry. You need to make sure he doesn't get a lone on the house and fake your signature (my friends husband did this). My friend divorced him in the end. She is penniless now and living in rental accommodation. He traded the stock market like a gambling addiction. It was brutal to watch. Get out now and save yourself.

StephenBelafonte · 30/01/2021 17:31

Yeah, that really happened.

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/01/2021 17:36

I wouldn't give him a 3rd opportunity to do this. Because he will. I'm not sure why you stayed with him after the 2nd time. And I definitely don't understand why you didn't demand full financial transparency after the 1st time. He will do this again. Leave him before it happens.

PicsInRed · 30/01/2021 17:36

DH in the past was trading in the stock market, he used up all our savings and it’s all gone (~500K).

I would presume this was made up if I didn't know someone who had something similar happen to her.

You must legally divorce and separate your finances at minimum, or you will never be financially secure. You cannot have a comfortable retirement with a gambling addict and that's what he is. Share trading may have a more respectable veneer than slot machines and the betting shop but in amateur hands it's exactly the same. He will never stop gambling your money away and your money will never be safe.

Original poster

Hello2021bye2020 · 30/01/2021 17:38

This is it! It’s beyond belief! He was trading short-term, so he loose money, uses up the rest hoping the shares will go up but looses some more! I have told him zillion times to stop to put part of it at least in a house! Nothing he wouldn’t listen! I was financially relaying on him at the time and had literally no where to go...
I have to say the dynamics of our relationship have changed a bit now. He knows I earn enough to leave him if I wanted to...but still don’t know the ins and out of his financial details. Perhaps I just need to be more assertive! 🙄 I am not into luxuries but I thinks our DCs deserve a better life...and want to secure their future (as much as I can!)

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 30/01/2021 17:39

I would also ensure that the money was actually lost, rather than a reverse money laundering - the pretence of losing it, but stashing it elsewhere so he keeps it all for himself.

Tier10 · 30/01/2021 17:43

What a nightmare. Can’t he see he’s truly shite at trading?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 18:17

He knows I earn enough to leave him if I wanted to...but still don’t know the ins and out of his financial details. Perhaps I just need to be more assertive! 🙄 I am not into luxuries but I thinks our DCs deserve a better life...and want to secure their future (as much as I can!)

You don't need to be 'more assertive' you need to figure out why the fuck you want to make a relationship work with someone you say this about "thinks that the money he brings is his own and never said sorry for what he did, plus I don’t know any of his financial details".

You are absolutely mad to stay with him and by doing so I'm sorry but you aren't putting your kids first. They will be much more secure and stable both now and in future living with one parent who is sensible, reliable and self sufficient.

You two can coparent and they can have a great relationship with him but there's no need for you to be a couple.

Adults who lose / gamble / waste huge amounts of money while with a partner they can use as a soft place to land, and aren't sorry, are selfish as fuck. You've given him no reason to change and he has given you no reason to believe he will.

Why on EARTH are you with this man? The longer you are, the longer you're showing your daughters that this is what a healthy relationship looks like. Is that what you want to do?

CorianderBee · 30/01/2021 18:17

So he's gambling and without skill it seems smh

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2021 18:24

He’s basically gambled half a million quid away and you don’t sound that bothered

Arrivederla · 30/01/2021 18:26

Why on earth have you put up with this?!

Original poster

Hello2021bye2020 · 30/01/2021 18:30

I am extremely annoyed over the whole thing, but as I said at the time I had no where to go...no job...nothing...started building my career from scratch few years back...and have already sought legal advice re divorce!

But maybe I am mad...

OP posts:

Minikievs · 30/01/2021 18:32

@Hoppinggreen

He’s basically gambled half a million quid away and you don’t sound that bothered

This.

You really don't sound too fussed. This is more than "trading issues"

My exH was a compulsive gambler. Online casinos not stocks. But it's the same thing.

He did it more and more and more. And then I left. And it went into orbit. He still does it now as he physically can't afford to live on his (massive) salary, as his debt repayments are so huge.

Your DH will never ever stop. And his attitude towards "his" money vs family money fucking stinks.

LTB

barskits · 30/01/2021 18:34

Your biggest problem is that you're married. His debts are also your debts. If this all blows up, then you are in the doo-doo as well.

I'm sorry to say this, but I couldn't put up with it. I couldn't stay married to someone who was so reckless with money and continued to risk everything.

He's not 'playing' the stock market. He might think he is (and he may well be buying and selling stocks and shares), but in real terms it is nothing more than an addiction to gambling. He might not be playing poker or betting on the horses, but the result is the same. He's addicted to the highs he gets, and will do anything to try and achieve that feeling. When he loses money, the only way he can cope is by throwing more money at it in the hope that he can recover his losses.

The only way to cure an addict is if they want to stop badly enough, and he clearly doesn't.

Arrivederla · 30/01/2021 18:36

Having seen some of your other posts op, I'm guessing that there are cultural issues involved here? Apologies - I realise that's probably none of my business.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 18:44

Just saw that you've started other threads this week alone about buying a million quid home and buying a new mini.

You say that he sees money he earns as his own, so does that mean despite having enough for the above he doesn't see anything as family money?

Just trying to work out if you're being financially abused and that's stopping you from leaving?

You say he's well paid (one would assume so looking at million pound houses and brand new cars) but that you don't know the details of his pay and also that he always says he's broke if you ask? Before getting some part time work does that mean you'd ask for some money towards something / to get something and he would say no, I'm broke?

mike3 · 30/01/2021 19:03

Have you seen proof of how much he lost? It's not impossible to lose that much money of course, but I'd say it's more plausible he transferred it somewhere...

PerseverancePays · 30/01/2021 19:07

You are married to a gambler. Learn to be independent and then leave him. He is like a great big stone tied to your neck. Learn how to untie that knot and let him sink by himself. Save yourself and your children. Make that your priority. Addicts only think of themselves, they are completely selfish and usually total liars. Learn to be independent, you are going to need it. Don’t try to save him, that is a complete waste of time. Save yourself and your children.

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