Friend ranting - not sure if being used

[Bahumbug11]

My friend - well ex boyfriend for over a year - is going through a rough patch, but think he is making is worse and not realising. Unsure how to support. Also to clarify I am not getting involved as it’s not my place.

Since covid his teenage daughter has not seen him much. They went through a period of 6 months of not talking. Over last 4 weeks they got back in touch and have seen each other a few hours a week. He calls it teatime dad. Previously she stayed over 2 times a week and alternative weekends.

They were so close, but now not. It’s tearing him up inside as he doesn’t know what happened. During first lockdown she said she didnt want to see him as her mum said she might get covid. Excuses then of her mum needs support, can’t leave her mum alone and her mum says she needs to do chores.

In dealing with ex’s partner before, she is controlling and difficult. She has turned up at our door before and started an argument as we both helped the daughter with a school project and he’ll broke lose, as it was only the mums place to do this!

Teenager very nice, but easily controlled by her mum. My ex is now saying he can’t cope with it all and hates being controlled when he can see his daughter - reason him and partner split up. She wouldn’t let anyone near the kid - even her family or friends.

So he has now said he is giving up as no one cares about him. Not going to initiate contact with daughter as she never replies. He is really depressed.

What do I do?

Sorry forgot to add. I am going through some life changes at the moment and he ignores my need for support. It’s all about him. We arranged to do something this weekend and ignored my question to rant about his issues.

Ironically he says it’s rude that his daughter doesn’t reply to him. Just ignores his texts.

Think I may be a ranting post

I think it’s time for you to step back. He is an ex and you are tying yourself in knots to help him while you and your well-being do not enter his head-you are a vessel for his moaning. It sucks that his daughter has two difficult parents. But not your problem-he sounds like hard work and annoying.

He is hard work, but a friend I want to support. I feel for him as he is going through a horrible situation. I listen as we went through some of it together.

No advice sticks with him. Normally he does support but not recently. It’s always about him

I feel sad for him that he's missing his daughter but it sounds like they are both old enough to maintain indirect contact so what efforts has he made to do that? Is he offering to support her with homeschooling remotely? Is he offering her anything useful as a compromise or just throwing his toys out of the pram because she doesn't want to expose her family to risk of covid at a time when 100,000 people have already died?

I know it's technically 'in the rules' but I'm constantly amazed at how many dads are still expecting their kids to visit them regularly during a global pandemic. This is really a time when adults need to set aside "rights" (though contact is a right of a child not parent) and pull together for the greater good. Nobody is going to die if they have to get creative with contact for a couple of months, people can die if children are constantly moving between houses and often one parent doesn't know what the other parents bubble looks like or whether they adhere to the rules. It's so irresponsible.

Have you ever brought him up short and said something like "hang on a minute, I'm not a dustbin for you to unload all your crap into? I have things going on as well?"

Also, he's the adult and he needs to stop being sulky over his dd and just be bloody consistently there for her if she wants him, and stop making it about him. She's the one getting pressure from her mum, he should do what he can to relieve it by just bloody sticking it out for her. It's not for her to be the one managing the adults' emotions.

For you, you're too engaged with him. You're trying to do his emotional labour for him. Only you can put in boundaries.

@Hesgonesoft he is putting the effort in. Asking her to come over. Offering to go for walks if she is not comfortable being indoors. Her mum always makes her do chores before she sees him where they could wait a few hours. He just wants to see his daughter. It’s like an obsession now, that’s all he can think about

@category12 I have put in boundaries. Told him support works both ways. He is coming over today to give me a hug. My problems don’t need solving just emotional support.