Just had enough....where do i go from here

[Crumpetsfordinner]

Me and oh have been together for nearly 25 years have a decent relationship but more recently its got worse. Oh has mh issues and suffers with depression and anxiety i have tried to help him as much as i can and supporr him but he wont go drs or seek any help so im struggling.

Anyway we rarely argue but im on eggshells if me or dc dont agree with something he moans,if dc wants to watch a tv show as a family but he doesnt want to watch it we dont watch it until hes gone upstairs or out tonwork etc. Now these are all things i have finally pieced together and realising i have been blinded to him. He is never wrong and never says sorry, i am not perfect but when ive done wrong or said something i didnt mean etc i always say sorry. We had a row last Thursday and he hasnt spoken to me since....is this emotional abuse because him not talking to me is like hes punishing me because i want him to acknowledge that hes done wrong and said some really person and mean things to me is that really unreasonable.

I have finally given up on us and have felt awful this week knowing my family is going to be broken up but i cant live with this anymore and i dont want dc growing up thinking this is normal.

I just dont know what to do first, we love in rented property and i want him to leave i will be the primary carer for dc and think they should stay in their home but I know he wont go anywhere hes so stubbon and just plain nasty when it comes to things like that he would rather me and the kids live like this than leave just to prove a point.

I am sorry for the rant i have bottled this up for i dont know how long and i have written this in my head I don't know how many times i just feel so alone and heartbroken

Hi - it may not be his fault he has MH issues but if he isn’t doing anything to address them, then you are quite justified in feeling how you do.

It does sound as if you will need to be the one who moves on - with your dc - if he isn’t going to move. The short term pain of this will ultimately lead to your life improving greatly but I do agree, in the short term it will be so hard.

Only you know if you’re ready for this move.

What is he like around people or to those in the outside world?. My guess is that he behaves well around them. It is behind closed doors that his true nature emerges.

Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares.

Many abusers use MH issues or depression as an excuse for their own abusive behaviour. He has never gone to the GP re these issues either because he is not depressed, he likes to blame you for everything wrong in his life. Abusive men are depressed because they are angry, not because they are depressed. He has a problem too with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightfully call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. This man also targeted you deliberately all those years ago. It is all too clear that he is not going to let go of you easily and will make the process of you actually separating from him as long and drawn out as possible as "punishment" to you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him (because he thinks he is a wonderful example of maleness).

The incident where he is now not speaking to you is a further example of emotional abuse towards you. The responsibility for his sulk is all his, ignore him therefore and just carry on with your day.

I would urge you to contact both Womens AId and the Rights of Women also re your tenancy agreement; is this in joint names?. Whose name is this in?. Have a look also at the entitledto.co.uk website.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. He has broken up his family by abusing you and in turn them because they've seen you at first hand being abused and otherwise mistreated. Its not your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way.

BTW also what do you know about him in terms of his family background, that often gives clues. He is clearly not the man you thought he was; he put on an act for you and it was one he has clearly not been able to maintain. What he has likely been showing you also is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

How old were you when you met this person?. Did you meet him when you were perhaps emotionally vulnerable yourself?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Do not spend the next 5 weeks, let alone another 25 years like you have been.

Thank you so much i cried when i read your messages as i honestly have always thought its me and all in my head.
We met late teens so fairly young i came from a broken home and always strived for my dc not to go through the same as me as it was horrible but recently i have had a light bulb moment and realised its worse living like this i think everything just sort of clicked into place all at one time how this isn't normal behaviour and i dont want my dc growing up thinking this is acceptable.
His parents are together but his mom is very passive aggressive and they arent in a happy marriage it is now just for convenience and tbh they arent even friends anymore.
The house is the main problem thats where I wont give up its the home of our dc their school is down the road, i do all the school runs etc so why should they they move further away from their life due to his stubbornness and to just spite us. I know it sounds petty but hes drained so much from me i think me and dc deserve our home. It is rented in both our names.

My mom is strong thankfully and showed me how to be strong or so i thought. I am in no doubt i can do this purely because i do everything anyway with dc and within the home. Moneywise wont be brilliant but i can cope ive already looked at what i maybe entitled to on uc to top up my wage and worked my bills out i am starting to get a plan.

And your so right attilla he does have a problem with my anger (as such) if i react to him thats when he blanks me usually for a few days then just starts worming his way in but no apology as to his actions...just lets just leave it.

He has been diagnosed previously with depression and anxiety and stopped taking the medication and refused to seek any further help so whilst i do sympathise with him and his suffering its no excuse for how hes treating me and using it as an excuse (if he was seeking help i wouldnt have this view i am sympathetic to him mh issues and have always tried to help but if someone wont try and help themselves and treat someone how he does with me that sympathy goes out the window)

My mom always taught me to never show anyone who hurts you that have hurt you and unfortunately with my crying today i have but it didnt change him 1 bit he didnt care...I just dont understand how you can hurt someone like that and not be bothered id be heartbroken if i hurt someone like that but not him!

It being rented should make things easier. When does the current contract end. A friend in similar situation to you got landlord to give notice on the joint tenancy and she took in on in her sole name. They had to wait out the notice period as he wouldn't voluntarily go but once it e pored he did leave. Perhaps this might be a route. If you can't live together whilst notice expires, maybe move to your mum's temposrily especially whilst schools are online.

Leaving is hard but it sounds very clear that you have reached the end of this relationship and you and your dc will be much happier away from him. Life gets so better once an abusive dp is gone. Well done on your determination.

How awful,how's things today x