Age gaps

[Jj2431]

Asking for a friend (genuinely), she has started dating a man (2 months ish). He is 15 years her senior. She fancies him like mad and he seems lovely but she keeps doubting it because of the age gap and keeps thinking he's only in it because she's younger. Anyone with an opinion or experience?

I love older men - dh is ten years older. I’ve never fancied younger men or even men my own age!

How old is she?

15 years is quite a lot to be honest, but there's a difference between a 25 and a 40 year old, and a 45 and a 60 year old.

Let me guess - she is in her 20s, and he is around 40+?
And he seems so not like the other younger men she used to date. More mature. Confident. Stable. Knows how to treat a woman well, make her feel special. Etc...

Of course he is with her because she is younger. If he wanted a woman closer to his own age - there are plenty out there. But - the ego boost won’t be the same.
And - let’s not forget early onset midlife crisis.

None of this says she shouldn’t date him. It’s fine to date older men - nice to be treated nicely, and pampered. Why not have your fun too.
Just don’t get too serious. Why chose 15 year difference in the long term when you don’t have to.
I am in my mid 40s now myself. And trust me - I’d have not much use for a partner of 60+. I simply do not find them attractive.

My partner is 14 years older.

I have never been attracted to anyone younger than me. I've always sort of had a think for older men. In an ideal world I was my partner wasn't 14 years older, mostly because I know he's likely to die some years before me ... Though I know these things can be unpredictable.

I also know logically in years to come he will be hitting retirement etc and I won't be there and our lives will change. Though if he's anything like this father who is pushing 80 still working shift work min 4 days a week, fixing up houseboats etc and sailing it won't be too bad.

Of course people will have something to say.

It's early days, see how it plays out.

You never know what will happen.

As long as she is happy

There are 16yrs between my parents. They are currently 82 and 66 and have been very happily married for over 40yrs.

As women on average live longer than men it’s preferable to settle with one a few years younger if possible.

As long as there isn't a power dynamic where she defers to him and it's kinda like working out some daddy issues? If that dynamic is there, it might feel good to her now to be looked after and not have to do her own thinking, if she's say in her 20s, but it tends to wear thin when you're in your 40s and have grown more self-assurance.

But if it feels like a relationship of equals, then the age gap isn't of itself a problem.

There is 10 years between me and DH. As he approaches 60 the age gap seems more like 20 years.
I didn’t get another child because he felt too old. I will regret that forever.
If I could go back I’m not sure I’d do it again. I fell for the older, experienced man thing.

A fifteen year age gap is very nearly a generational gap, meaning that they will probably have different worldviews. This will create hurdles which are not insurmountable but which she might have to manage in the future. If he's attracted to her just because she's younger then she may well be discarded when she reaches the age he currently is. Only time will tell.

It's different for everybody. My partner is about 15 yrs older than me. Historically, he's only been with women around his own age. I've always been attracted to older men's confidence, stability and even the way they look. There has been a power imbalance in some of my relationships with older men, but not all. I've never had the desire to be a "kept" woman and I don't date older men for their money.

While I do acknowledge that my boyfriend is attracted to my youth, he treats me as his equal. We have a very balanced relationship, real emotional connection and similar interests. Some older men are mid-life crisis pricks who only want a younger woman for the ego boost. That might even be the vast majority of them... but everyone is different.

I was once with somebody 14 years older than me, starting when I was in my 20s. The age difference didn’t bother me then. Now I am 50 and I am very glad I am not with a 64 year old, we would be at different life stages, him coming up to retirement and me with another 17 years to go if I carried on until state retirement age.

I married my DH when I was 25 and he is 13 years older than me. We are still happily together 20 years later. We have one DD. He was financially better off than me when we met and this allowed us to make choices for our family (me taking time off to spend time at home with DD) and now as my career develops he has been able to retire early. It has worked really well for us and the age difference has only been an advantage.

It's not a big age gap IMO.

I'm guessing she is maybe 25 and he's 40?

That to me doesn't say 'he's in it as she's younger'.

It's not like he's 75+ like Mick Jagger and she's 25.

I dated a man 14 years older- well, we were in a 5 year relationship - when I was 21 and he was 35. I didn't think 35 was especially old.

We did split up but it wasn't to do with age. He went on to marry someone 15 years younger!

I actually think that in most cases, younger women need a man a good 5 years older at least as most younger men till they get to 30 are less mature than women of the same age.

@MMmomDD

Let me guess - she is in her 20s, and he is around 40+? And he seems so not like the other younger men she used to date. More mature. Confident. Stable. Knows how to treat a woman well, make her feel special. Etc...

Of course he is with her because she is younger. If he wanted a woman closer to his own age - there are plenty out there. But - the ego boost won’t be the same.
And - let’s not forget early onset midlife crisis.

None of this says she shouldn’t date him. It’s fine to date older men - nice to be treated nicely, and pampered. Why not have your fun too.
Just don’t get too serious. Why chose 15 year difference in the long term when you don’t have to.
I am in my mid 40s now myself. And trust me - I’d have not much use for a partner of 60+. I simply do not find them attractive.

@MMMONdd I think that's quite cynical.

The man I dated when I was 21 was a colleague - me, fresh out of uni, him, older and wiser.

We had stuff in common with our work so it didn't start off as a dating thing.

I also hate the 'I'd not have much use for a man over 60'.

Such ageism! My partner now is over 60, has a body better than most 30 years olds and could give them a run (literally hahaha) in every respect. No one believes his age and they reckon he's about 50.

My DH is 14 years older I'm 30 and we've been very happily married for 5 years. The age gap is not an issue for us. I do tease him when he asks me if I remember such and such from late 80s early 90s he just rolls his eyes and laughs

There's 16 years between me and OH. We met when I was 29 6 years ago. I do acknowledge things will change as we get older right now we don't notice the age difference most of the time.

It is a big age gap there’s no doubt about that.

Has the man got children already? Has your friend?

It’s not just the gap. It’s the different life stages it’s over a decade.

Depends on her age I think. When she is middle aged she may come to wish the gap was the other way round!

I agree with @MMmomDD

The human brain doesn't fully stop developing until you're around 25 so I think an older man dating anyone younger than that is downright predatory. An early twenties woman and middle aged man just don't have the same amount of life experience, age gap relatioships will always create a power imbalance.

If you're friend is an adult then obviously she can date whomever she wants but I would advise her not to compromise in the relationship AT ALL. The older man will have already had his own youth to have fun and build his career, she really should do the same for her own sake. If he supports her on not missing out on ANYTHING for the sake of their relationship then I'd rescind my judgement. I see too many young promising women giving their youth to old men though and it saddens me, hence my noticeable lack of support here.

We have a 9yr age difference and met at 20 & 29. We've been together 15yrs now and married almost 8. I think that as you get older the age gap seems decrease an becomes less significant to others and for us it has never bern an issue. I could see it perhaps being and issue if you have different ideas about if, when and how you want children and your body clock it ticking especially if the female in the relationship is older.
Like any relationship if you are on the same page there's no reason for it not to work.

15 years for us and you'd never know!

22 years between us, friends for years before getting together. Just welcomed out baby boy last year. Age means nothing as long as you both want the same things x

@RedWelliesAreHot

Cynical - maybe, but to me it’s just honest and not pretending that life is something that it’s not.

It’s is of course ageism - and goes both ways.
Younger women are simply more physically attractive to men, on a biological level. No reason to dispute it - we all know it. We all - have been in our 20s and had older men ogle us.
And - older men are attractive to younger women for the reasons I mentioned - maturity, stability, etc.
Those couples who get together with large age gaps can work of course. But age difference does catch up with everybody.

So - my point is - she likes him - great. Why not have fun and enjoy dating. But when it comes time to find a partner to have kids with - find a guy closer in age.

And finally - not sure why I have to pretend - as a mid-40s woman - I do not find 15 year older men (in their 60s) attractive. Equally - don’t find men that are 15 years younger attractive. So I am an equal opportunity ageist, I guess.

My ex went off with a woman 17 years younger than him. She likes Hello Kitty and he is mid 50's. They look ridiculous together !

My parents were 20 years difference. The marriage was a disaster.

A male friend I know dumped his 48 year old wife and married a 24 year old. She left him for 26 year old woman !

Personally I think the older the couple get the huger the age difference.

Depends on your life stage as much as age.

Me and my oh have a 10 year gap but have similar aged kids.

Our interests are very similar.