Starting over at 32?

[Crazycatlady7876]

Would you do it? Leave a relationship of 5 years at 32, knowing you really want to get married and have children?

Not abusive or anything but just not sure we are compatible anymore - lockdown probably exacerbating things and I realise how much our relationship was me out doing my own thing and so the time we spent together was more of a novelty/treat.

We’ve talked about marriage but covid has just put a pause on everything.

I feel like if I want a fresh start I am running out of time if I want to meet someone else.

I can’t even imagine dating again - obviously post covid if that ever happens! And surely by 32+ the dating pool is really fucking small and everyone has baggage? I just find the idea really depressing.

But more depressing than just feeling meh and at times resentful of DP?

Anyone done this at a similar age and actually found someone better, gone on to have children etc?

I told him I was worried we were no longer on the same page art our future. We had a few months of talks about what we both wanted and what we could compromise on. Taking all the "at some point" vague statements away, we didn't want the same things. So splitting was the logical conclusion. It's very hard emotionally, obviously, but not acrimonious between the two of us particularly.

If you live together that long with a guy with the relationship not progressing to marriage they normally just take you for granted. At your ages, if he saw you as the one he wanted to marry and be together rest of his life, he would be co-driving the relationship forward, making the effort. He certainly would have proposed before now. You're right to reconsider things and start over again when you're young enough now at 32 to do so.
Cohabitation before marriage (especially long term cohabitation) is linked to higher divorce rates so another reason to not drift into marriage/kids with him.

Inertia effect in men/couples: www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201407/should-you-move-in-together-or-not

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/is-cohabitation-still-divorce-risk

I think you'd be mad to consider settling for this at 32. You could live to be over 100...and so could he
That's a long time to spend with someone who you stopped feeling compatible with in your early 30s.

How old is your partner?

Have you discussed children OP?

Have you told him clearly how you feel? And that you have thought about leaving?

I'd leave if I knew I had the money for sperm donation pregnancy.

I couldn't stay if I no longer loved them. But I'd want children.

There are plenty of blokes out there in their 30s looking for women without baggage such as your self alot of them are remaining single simply because they don't want to get into a relationship with somebody who has allready got children, I would say that you are well placed and in an excellent position to bag a bloke who hasn't got children allready. They are more likely to have their shit together as well like career, house, know what they want, no drams/hassle/crazy exes e.t.c
It would be better than staying in an unhappy relationship for the rest of your life and thinking what if

Oh leave him or you’ll resent him & waste your life.
I left my emotionally abusive husband at 30; left my nice but useless bf at 35. Met current partner at 36 & now pregnant at 39... so happy I waited!

He’s absolutely a decent bloke - I just feel he makes hardly any effort and we are stuck in a massive rut but I don’t think things can necessarily change.

What does he say about this? I can’t see that you have mentioned your feelings to him? It sounds like I would try and tweak your relationship before throwing the towel in. He’s a decent guy and you love him and you really want kids. If he’s a decent guy he’ll make more effort (that’s the main issue right?).

When did your feelings start to change? Is it due to lockdown boredom and him being around too much? I basically ignore my husband at the moment too so could be accused of not making an effort

Me and DH got together at 38 (me) and 40 (him).
Had DS at 39, married at 40 and being induced with DD tomorrow at 42.

32 is a perfect age to leave and start over.

You need to be conscious that the longer you stick it out, the more pressure of your biological clock. So you can say now, oh I'm 32, what if... but in a couple of years, it's oh I'm 34, oh I'm 38, oh I'm 40...

Don't waste more time on the guy if it's not right.

Don't settle, as having a baby is a grenade into a relationship and you need something really solid for it.

You have to try and think how will you feel in 10 years with children and a house/marriage. Is that an appealing prospect? Will you feel fulfilled?

I started again at 35, (but not my choice exh ended marriage with affair). However it was the making of me. I met someone else and had a baby at 38. Life is not perfect but I am much happier than I would have been had I remained married.

You have to trust your feelings

@Hawkins001

I'd wait and build friendships with others first to see how well you get on, then if it's truly what you want, it gives you the best starting position, rather than rushing to split then when realise ing oh pickle's, so to speak.

Are you seriously suggesting OP lines up the next guy before she ends this relationship?

@user1481840227

I think you'd be mad to consider settling for this at 32. You could live to be over 100...and so could he That's a long time to spend with someone who you stopped feeling compatible with in your early 30s.

This has really made me think!

I move halfway across the country aged 32 for a new job. I dated for a bit and when I was 34, I met a lovely man, and we’re now married with a child. Sadly I suffered early menopause in my late 30s so we can’t have any more but if not for that we’d have had two, I think. DH was divorced when we met, though, which I get might be off putting to some.

*moved

I think you should end the relationship. As others have said, you could both live for many more years.

As for a small dating pool, a single 32 year old without children I expect will get more offers than you can imagine.

You clearly arent happy. I was married at 25. Divorced and met someone else at 31. Had my kids at 33 and 39. Sadly didn't work out. I'm now 48. And hope there is the right someone out there for me.

I know you feel 'old'. But honestly you aren't. Go and find your happy.

I wish someone had drilled that into me. Ex had an affair when I was 36. I thought I was over the hill blah blah. Forgave him. Only for it to happen again after second dc was born.

And actually at 36 I could of met someone else and still had time for a second child. Be brave.

What are the actual issues in the relationship? You say he doesn't make much effort - how does this manifest? You go out and do your own thing (in normal times) and he stays home?

My DH and I are like this - he's way more of a homebody than I am, but I'm happy to go off and do stuff with friends or on my own. In all honesty I'd love DH to join me more, he's my favourite person, but he doesn't enjoy it so I'd never force it, our relationship is great in other ways.

I guess it's about what you're willing to compromise on for a a lifelong relationship - for me I can handle this difference between us, but for other people it would be a dealbreaker. Just remember that one person cannot provide you with everything you need socially - you share different things with different friends, and people complement your life in different ways.

OTOH - of course you can start over at 32, loads of people are single in their 30s!

Also, bit concerned that you say "he doesn't make me happy any more". That's not his job, it's your job to make yourself happy.

It might just be that you've used a casual turn of phrase, but could be a bit of an insight into how you view romantic relationships. A relationship should enhance your life, sure, but it's one of many things that contribute to overall life happiness.

I met DH when I was 32. We had DS when I was 35 and married when I was 37. Now 41 and very happy indeed.
I left a LTR a few months before meeting DH. The man I left was a decent and kind man, just not the man for me. He's also in a happy relationship now.
In addition to meeting my DH and having our DS, leaving allowed me to do something that I knew was completely for me, taking charge of my own future rather than hanging onto something I didn't really want just for a peaceful life. It was absolutely, 100% worth it. Don't stay stuck, neither of you deserve it.

[quote MixMatch]If you live together that long with a guy with the relationship not progressing to marriage they normally just take you for granted. At your ages, if he saw you as the one he wanted to marry and be together rest of his life, he would be co-driving the relationship forward, making the effort. He certainly would have proposed before now. You're right to reconsider things and start over again when you're young enough now at 32 to do so.
Cohabitation before marriage (especially long term cohabitation) is linked to higher divorce rates so another reason to not drift into marriage/kids with him.

Inertia effect in men/couples: www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201407/should-you-move-in-together-or-not

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/is-cohabitation-still-divorce-risk[/quote]
@MixMatch But is is correlation vs causation?

I wonder if they studied who exactly was getting divorced and who wasn't, other than just looking at divorce numbers and co-habitation.

A great number of people who don't co-habit before marriage are religious, some if them very much so. At the very least, they are more likely to come from conservative backgrounds where cohabiting is frowned on. Of course those people are going to divorce less! That's not because they didn't co-habit, it's because they're religious! They have a whole set of social norms and religious beliefs that make that less likely. Traditional social norms and pressure will also influence it.

A friend of mine was married but no kids at 34. She was exactly like you and decided she had to take the risk just to be happy. She did that, divorced, then started her own company (incredibly successful) and then met the man of her dreams. 3 kids later.......the rest is history.

She is incredibly Bally and couldn't imagine what it would be like had she not left

I split from my first husband at 30, mirroring your reasons we had grown apart. It was my sliding doors moment. I do think what if I stated what would my life be like? Certainly a lot easier!

Though I don't regret it.

My next 9 years was crazy to say the least, first person I dated was an abuser physically and mentally I had a child with him took two years of court battles to get rid of him. Internet dating was insane, felt like I was kissing way too many frogs!

But I finally at 36 found my soulmate we are settled, moving house getting married and having a longed for baby ( which I had three miscarriages before this). I'm now 39 can't wait to get out of my 30s and live my 40s the way I always hoped for!

Life is a journey and I'm actually glad I made the choices I did because it has led me to where I am now.

Whatever you decide, make sure you have no regrets.

I was in a very similar situation last year, 31 years old, in a relationship of 10 years that was meh, never really very passionate and lived separate lives and acted more like flat mates i.e. separate meal times, bed times and in the end, separate beds. He knew I'd wanted to get married for years but never proposed, despite me speaking to him and rowing about it with him several times. We were going through IVF for the last couple of years, numerous failed rounds and that probably put the pressure on, but we'd got to the stage of having good embryos in frozen storage and it was very hard to walk away from knowing all I'd been through to get to that stage (including being very ill in hospital with ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) and that I might not meet anyone else in time to have a family. I also had 2 cats who were like my children, so can understand not wanting to leave because of pets. The pandemic gave me the final push to leave, it looked like we were going into lockdown and I couldn't bear the thought of spending it stuck in an unhappy situation. Also, out next IVF round was cancelled because of Covid, and as I stood there crying as I told him, he just sat there and didn't get up to give me a hug or seem to even care. It's like I'd just told him it was raining. It was the final straw. He asked me to marry him as I was leaving, but by that point it was too late and I didn't want to.

I went to live with my mum and dad, spent a lot of time in lockdown healing, walking and helping on their allotment. Being horrified at the thought of having to online date. Selling the house from a distance once estate agents re-opened and going back and forth to sort out my stuff which was a stressful nightmare and took 6 months from offer to completion. In the meantime I got chatting to a nice farmer over the wall of my mum and dads allotment, and got to know each other slowly over a few weeks, until one day he chased me down to the bottom of the allotments to ask for a date. We went on a walk and a picnic.

Several months on and I've not long since moved in with him, met and developed a good relationship with his 2 lovely kids, and having a child of our own and marriage a bit further down the line has been discussed. It's all moved very quickly, and hasn't been without it's ups and downs (he has more "baggage" than a Tesco self-service checkout) but I'm happier and more in love than I've ever been.

I hope you can gather the strength to leave. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I had a lot of the same concerns you did, but it was also the most worthwhile thing I've done and it's worked out for me. Life's to short to settle for just ok